To desperately want a 3rd?

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Honestly my heart and my head are in constant battle at the moment. We have two beautiful kids. I always wanted a 3rd, but traumatic 2nd birth and then lockdown madness and work put a pause on it all. Now I’m rapidly approaching 40 and it feel like now or never.

But, I’m self employed and it would be a nightmare rearranging clients. I’d probably loose a whole year’s income. We have a small 3 bed house, and I don’t think we could make kids share with the larger age gaps. I found the newborn stage so so so hard. I don’t have the best health- though nothing that would cause complications, just make it harder.

My logical thinking says no. Enjoy what you’ve got. Everything else is desperate for another.

would I be mad to have another?

if I don’t how the hell do I get over this?

YABU - don’t do it
YANBU - do it

You’re identifying lots of reasons to stick at 2 and no good ones to try for another beyond wanting one.

Try really counting your blessings. Think about all the things that are wonderful about having 2 (and drawbacks of having 3). Live your life for a little while being delighted with having 2.

I assume there's a husband or partner on the scene. Have you discussed with him?

The reasons for wanting another are no different from wanting the first two. Another child to love and help grow and see them develop into a wonderful person.

Yes, he’s open either way. Happy to have another, slightly happier not to have another, because it’s easier not to have another.

How to get over it?

Imagine your third child has major disability or extensive needs. More likely in older parents. You can no longer work as they need 24/7 care. Your husband fucks off as many, many of them do as they "can't cope" with the stress. He gets a new, shiny, kid free younger woman and doesn't bother taking the kids any more. You're alone, no money, no support, have to fight every battle to get whatever minimum the council/government deems suitable. You become seriously depressed and your first two kids are suffering due to your exhaustion, lack of time and funds.

This is the exact scenario of one of my closest friends. She loves her child but if she could turn back time, and stick at 2, she definitely would.

You can't assume you will have a happy healthy third. Think what you would do if this was what happened.

I think part of being a good parent means being honest about your capacity (emotional, physical and financial) to look after the children you already have and the impact of having more.

From your posts a third child would stretch you (and your household) in at least two respects (physical and financial) and in doing so arguably the third (emotionally) as a result.

I think you need to consider why 3 children? Why not 4?

Practically everything you have said would apply to a 4th as much as a 3rd. So why would that be a red line for you for example?

Do you think your two children would benefit from another sibling? Unlikely from what you have posted.

I think its actually quite common to have a panic as we come to the end of our fertility to think now or never and that can - as you describe- result in a war between heart and head.

To begin with I think you need to stop romanticising the idea of 3 children.

My friends who went from 2 to 3 found that step much harder than they imagined (1 to 2 being easy).

From a practical standpoint you face more logistical issues around different schools, transportation to actives where divide and conquer between two parents just doesn't cut it quite as easily.

Grandparents who were happy to provide emergency support/babysitting for two children finding it too hard to look after 3 now they are getting older themselves.

Obviously there are financial implications and also in your case practical ones in terms of household space.

Personally I think you need to focus on the family you have now and be content that you've been a good parent by acknowledging that another child would only fulfil your maternal urges rather than being in the best interests of the two children you already have.

You've given so many good reasons why it's not the best idea for you. Maybe read those back to yourself?

Babies are so cute, but you might get twins. It happened to a friend who wanted to round up her brood from three to four. She now has five!

Your two DC will benefit from all that extra time you have and need you now to help them grow into wonderful people. They'd lose the best of you for a year to a newborn and sleep deprivation. All that said, only you know if your family is yet complete.

You haven't mentioned any reason for wanting a third child apart from you being 40 and feeling broody. Also, it doesn't matter about large age gaps sharing. My brothers have a large age gap of 7 years but still shared a bedroom (we lived in a 3 bed house). Also, older mums are more likely to have twins or children with SEN. Could you cope if this happened?

I posted about my desire to have a third child when I was 38. I was given every reason not to go for it and almost every poster said it was a terrible idea. I'm so glad I didn't listen. I know have the most beautiful 20 month old who has completed our family. I no longer have that deep sense of longing for another. It's gone.

If I was you, I would look at how you could change your circumstances if you did get pregnant. Get a potential Plan B with work sorted out. The home situation isn't a priority as such as the baby can stay in your room for the first 6 months at least. Ours is still in with is as our place is so small but we'll be looking for somewhere bigger soon.

I feel my other children benefitted so much from having another person in their family to love. The baby brought so much joy to us all, kids included. They love coming home from school to see her and we all love laughing at the funny things the toddler does. She has honestly enriched all of our lives so much. She is an awful sleeper thought, and that drove me crazy but were coming out of that now.

Make the decision with your husband.

I’ve worked through a charity I support with several families that’s happened to, severely disabled kids. It’s rare but it’s all consuming, though the husbands haven’t scarpered - not all men are that useless.

Regardless it’s something I’m very aware of, and no, I’ve no idea how I’d cope mentally with the relentlessness of it.

The health would be the kicker for me. I have lupus and fibromyalgia and we did want a third, but the recovery after number two when I was only 33 was tough and my body still hasn't recovered properly 8yrs on. I knew that doing it again as I approached 40 would be inviting another illness. I count my blessings and remember how lucky I am rather than dwell.

That’s been the big thing. I have hypermobility syndrome, get low blood pressure/faint, joint pain, vitamin d deficient and various injuries from HMS. Energy levels have fluctuated so much in the last couple of years. I manage, but pregnancy would be hard work (the first two were really tough. SPD I was on crutches)

Look at your other two children and tell yourself that it wouldn’t be fair, given health conditions, to spread yourself even thinner.

Oh hell to the no. Especially as you're nearly 40, and had a traumatic birth last time. Leave well alone. The urge will pass. Don't give in to it!

You’ve been very practical about your thoughts on this. It’s very very common for women to get a surge in broodiness as they approach the end of their fertile years. In your place I would genuinely try and ride the wave.

I desperately wanted a third but DH didn’t want to. It took quite a while to go away but I did make my peace with it and am glad of my 2 fabulous now adult DC.

If your lifestyle allows it get a dog.
I have one ds and got a girl dog.
I can let any remaining broodyness out on her without giving birth again.Its great!

I'm.43

My third turned out to be very disabled and has seriously affected all our lives, it isn't as rare of an occurance as you think either.
I'm trying to not be dismissive of your good work with families such as mine but you have absolutely no idea of what day to day life is like, you can not comprehend the relentlessness of someone needing you 24/7 and still having to fight for what they very clearly need.
I have missed out on so much with my eldest two, if I could go back in time I would stick with two, children need you more as they get older imo, it's incredibly hard.

Sorry but I wouldn’t in your situation

There's nothing in your post to suggest it would be a good idea

If it's not broken.....

Stay clear

Don't put your hormones in the driving seat here. They're thick as pigshit, and they don't care how this turns out for you.

When it comes to the hard decisions like this, head has to be in charge.

This is 99.9% unanimous don't do it!

I completely agree with this

I've got two - at 40, I wouldn't roll that dice again, even without your health issues. Risks of complications all go up and even another healthy baby will impact on the time you have to spend with your current children.

Teens need a huge amount of support these days emotionally practically and financially. It’s not like when we were teens. We regularly breath a sigh of relief we stopped at 2.