To desperately want a 3rd?

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Honestly my heart and my head are in constant battle at the moment. We have two beautiful kids. I always wanted a 3rd, but traumatic 2nd birth and then lockdown madness and work put a pause on it all. Now I’m rapidly approaching 40 and it feel like now or never.

But, I’m self employed and it would be a nightmare rearranging clients. I’d probably loose a whole year’s income. We have a small 3 bed house, and I don’t think we could make kids share with the larger age gaps. I found the newborn stage so so so hard. I don’t have the best health- though nothing that would cause complications, just make it harder.

My logical thinking says no. Enjoy what you’ve got. Everything else is desperate for another.

would I be mad to have another?

if I don’t how the hell do I get over this?

YABU - don’t do it
YANBU - do it

It's my policy not to have more kids than I have hands.

All those threads that exist where women talk about buckling under the strain of three - you're not allowed to say "well why did you have three then?".

But you can say it on these threads. Don't have three.

To quote an oft used and irritating phrase on mumsnet - This ^^ with bells on.

Your reasons for not having any more children far outweigh any positives you might gain.

You’re right. Plus we aren’t mega wealthy and I would like to plan better for retirement, helping kids with deposits etc.

I just don’t know how to get over this sadness. I think a large part of it is losing a sibling as a child and just wanting my kids to have the joy of growing up with other siblings. But sibling closeness isn’t guaranteed.

And this, I have to say, is the reason why I would never risk a child - 3rd or 2nd or even 1st - past the age of 40. I could not cope. I would not cope. I wouldn't want to try to cope. I don't know how people do it, I really don't. We have 2 healthy NT children, (couple of years apart in age,) and for the most part they've been good kids/ARE good kids (now in their 20s.) Both left home now and totally independent.

But even with 2 like this, it's been quite hard work sometimes, not without its challenges, and expensive. We would not change a thing, ever, and love them to the moon and back, and they are wonderful, successful, kind young adults now who bring so much joy to our lives, and are great friends to us. But as I said, it's had its challenges and trials and tribulations. (Especially when they were between 14-15 and 20. A special kind of hell!)

All the spats and fights with other kids at school, (and their parents,) 12-13 years of school politics, fighting over toys and gadgets/wanting one each, the expense, 2 sets of clothes and school uniform and supplies, 2 small humans being totally dependant on you for everything, being mum's taxi and ferrying them everywhere, entertaining and tolerating their mates (who seemed to LOVE our house!,) and putting 2 young adults through uni, and the expense that entailed. That's just the tip of the iceberg! We have the expense of their weddings yet! I mean, we won't be paying for all of it, but we will be paying quite a lot.

Now we are aged 50-something with 2 young adult children who have left home, and we are very happy. All of us. I can't imagine having children who need a lot of care, and 24/7 demands, and to have no life to ourselves. And there would be no end to it, as children like this need care all their lives.

Something that I don't think has been mentioned by previous posters is that you say you have HMS and suffered SPD in a previous pregnancy, requiring crutches. I too am hypermobile and had another baby after suffering SPD in a previous pregnancy. I thought I could manage but SPD often gets more severe each pregnancy, so I was completely debilitated from week 12 in my last pregnancy, complete agony. I couldn't even roll over in bed without crying in pain. I spent 6 months lying in bed or sitting propped on a chair, unable to walk, drive, do anything really.

It had a severe impact on my existing children's quality of life. My husband had to leave his job to be my full time carer for the rest of the pregnancy, which destroyed us financially and caused immense stress. Most people recover from SPD soon after birth, but because I'm hypermobile, I still suffer nearly 10 years later having undergone extensive physio and osteopathy. This could happen to you too so PLEASE consider this.

Good point @Mastersstudent83.

I'm a head over heart type of person and I simply cannot fathom why women would put their own lives at risk and consequently affecting those of the children they already have and their partner. If almost looks like selfishness - I want another child come what may, sod everyone else.

I've just had my son after 2 daughters. Our middle child is six, I didn't get to choose when I had them as we had fertility treatment. Some cycles failed and some were a success so my ages are 11, 6 and 7months.

We started trying for a 3rd in 2019, I just knew I wasn't done. My first attempt I didn't respond to the meds, the 2nd cycle was cancelled due my vitamin d levels being low, then Boris shut down the country. Between lockdowns and my clinic closing we were on and off for months, we caught 3 x and had very early losses. I was beyond devastated. With the time ticking on, our gaps getting bigger and the heartbreak of miscarriage people thought I was insane to continue. Everyone just kept telling me I should be happy with what I have. I was, but something inside me just wouldn't let it go.

Now, here I am nursing my boy 4 years in the making. He is our world, the girls love him, his dad dotes on him and my heart I'd so unbelievably full. I feel complete and also done. My head and heart match and I'm so grateful I didn't listen to anyone.

There are challenges like a 3 bed house, finding stuff we can all do together and wow the sleepless nights hit different but we just make it work. I have absolutely no regrets.

Thank you - yes the SPD was much worse in 2nd pregnancy (I assumed because I had a toddler in tow who wanted carrying). It took a lot of expensive private physio after birth to sort it out. I’d genuinely forgotten how bad it was, no way I’d manage if it was worse than that.

Congratulations! So glad you have your little boy 😄I bet his big sisters are so proud