to expect my mum to allow me to call her back?

[Youcannotbeserious]

OK, this is such a tiny little thing, but it's bugging the life out of me, and I just son't know whether I'm being unreasonable...

My mum calls me several times throughout the day. Mostly, I don't mind this, even though it's usually just to check up on me

But, when she calls, if I'm busy and say 'I'll call you back in two minutes', she gets stressy and says that she'll call me back in 2 minutes.

She says that this is because it saves me the price of the phone call (20P ?) but it just bugs me.

If she says 'two minutes', it's like schychronised watches.... In EXACTLY 2 mintues I will get a call. If I say 20 minutes, it'll be 20 minutes....

What's most annoying is that often, when she calls back, I'm still not ready to talk / finished what I was doing, but she just doesn't understand...

I mean... AIBU and just getting stressed about things that shouldn't even bother me?????

What would happen if you say: "No, I'LL ring YOU back in 2 minutes. But I might not be finished by then so it might be 5 or 10."?

Get caller Id/answering machine and dont answer the phone when your busy, if its important/emergency she will leave a message.

WA - We'll get into a debate about how I have to pay for the call.

Her general reaction is to say 'I'll call you back in 2 minutes' really loudly and then put the phone down..........

Say, "I'm busy doing xyz, i'll ring you back when i'm done". That way you're not giving a time and if she offers to ring you back, say I don't know when i'll be done so best I ring you ... then hang up really quickly

How would she be if you said "I'm a bit tied up, I'll call you back later" - so not giving a time frame for the call? Hang up on her before she gets time to suggest she calls you back.

And if the phone rings before you're ready to talk to her, then ignore it ... there's no law that says you absolutely have to pick the phone up just because it's ringing.

My mother is exactly the same. I could have written this post word for word.

I don't live near her and phone her on a Sunday, if I don't phone by 9am either her or my dad are on the phone asking if we are ok, or has something happened.

They then phone me on a Wednesday when I get back in from the school run. Today I went to the gym and didn't get back until after 10. There was already one message at 9.40 and then they had phoned again at 10.10 (checked 1471).

Now that they have been unable to get hold of me (still on dial up!) they will ask where I have been, who with, what I was doing and there it goes on. If I phone them, they will tell me to put the phone down and they will call me back (same reason - saves me paying for the call!).

I am an only child.

Sorry, her response made me laugh a bit. I know it's not nice, though and very frustrating.

I like the 'not giving her a time' idea, or get caller id. I don't pick up the phone if my mil rings, even if dh is up stairs bathing ds. I know who rang and can tell him to ring her back, so I don't have to speak to her. But then I do hate her and am a cow!

Why does she even phone several times a day in the first place? Seems a bit OTT.

If I try to tell them I will call back if I am busy, they still try to tell me some mundane story for 20 minutes before letting me hang up.

Fimbo - DITTO!!!!!!

Also, if I don't profer a timescale, one will be imposed...

WA - your response made me smile!!! I would love to ignore my mother sometimes, but she just gets herself into a frenzy and when I do talk to her she'll either be sulking (because I am horrible, and where did she go wrong?) or stressed beyond belief (Because I have been mauled by killer dog or crushed by a massive 4x4 and then I feel guilty.

Sadly, I am the younger child and my sister still acts like a 12YO with them. No kidding! So it does feel like IABU

Probably a long shot, but does she have a mobile and can she text? A quick text saying 'will ring you bit later', might fob her off for ooh, er... another 5 mins or so?

I don't know. I give up on these mothers. They're either overbearing, or couldn't give a shit. there's no inbetween!

I think I should just give my mothers number to your mother, Cannot and then they could chat to each other to their hearts content and not pester us!!

My mother is a drama queen and my father does nothing to help the situation. I am already having to hide the fact my dd is doing a dance show this year, as she will go in the huff big time, if she finds out my mil is going (we live in England they live in Scotland). My parents are terribly jealous of anything we do with my inlaws.

Wow! They sound like sisters!!

My mother gets well stressed if I do stuff with my MIL!!!!!! Even down to having a cuppa with my MIL!

Sad thing is, my MIL is just LOVELY - and I do really enjoy spending time with her!!!

I'm forever not telling my mum stuff because the reaction is just not worth it!

WA - Yes, she does have a mobile and can text, but that won't stop her calling me.... If I don't answer the home phone, she'll call my mobile to see where I am!

Oh I can so emphathise! On one famous occasion my Mum was so busy calling me on re-dial to see if I'd arrived home from her house safely that her line was engaged for about an hour and I couldn't get through to her to say 'STOP FCKING CALLING ME!!!!'

E-mail has been my saviour, we e-mail each other a lot through the day and now I get a phone call about once a fortnight, in fact, sometimes I call her for a chat

Well, here's what happens when my mother doesn't hear what she wants to: She puts the phone down.

She's just phoned (again) and started the conversation (as she does EVERY conversation): Are you all right? I mean. FFS! Why would I NOT be alright? I haven't even been out of the house since I last spoke to her.

Anyway, cue mundane conversation.... and then she says something about coming down to see me ''if I can't cope''. WHY CAN'T SHE JUST WANT TO SEE ME? WHY DOES IT HAVE TO BE LINKED TO ME NEEDING HER HELP???

Surely IANBU to want to be treated like a teenager at 35????????

ANyway, my failure to comply has been noted and the phone was simply put down on me... Conversation about my ability to be an adult over.

Am just sitting in tears now, so I suppose she's right. I am a bloody mess.

Am sending hugs to you. My mother is very overbearing as well and always assumes that somethign dreadful has happened if i'm 2 mins later than I said I was going to be!! No advice but you're not alone.

Thank god its not just me - I thought I was the only one who's mother still treats them like a 10 year old! I mean, not only have I been an adult for the last 15 years and lived on my own for the last 10, I now how a child of my own FFS, surely now is the time that I should be respected enough to be treated like an adult and my requests listened to!! Sorry YCBS - rant over, not trying to hijack your thread . My only advice is stand your ground and keep repeating your wishes as calmly as possible. I still have hope that one day all my efforts will not be in vain and will pay off . Bless 'em, do you think in 20 years time our LOs will be saying the same about us

Thanks Lawrene and PB - it's nice to know I'm not the only one!!!

I am DESPERATE not to end up like this with my LO. (so is my DH!!!)

I actually don't think my mum enjoys things because she can never relax or just go with the flow....

I know I upset her because I didn't tell her about my PG until 2 weeks ago (and even then DH told her) and she feels that this reflects on her as a mother.

I just wish she could just accept that I'm an adult, I am not perfect, but I'm not a useless bag-o-crap either and I do love her. ANd I KNOW she loves me, really I do, I just would like her to RESPECT me too...

Mums eh? Hope I don't end up like that

my Mum rang me on my mobile the other day and said "Where have you been - I couldn;t get hold of you"

Er.... I'm out, Mum, thats why I have a mobile - how hard have you been trying exactly

I can't understand these mothers who have to be on the phone to their grown up daughters every day, never mind several times a day!

I communicate with my mother by letter - yes good old fashioned snail mail, and if I write too often she complains that I don't give her time to write back! She only phones if she has a good reason. Like when my dad died. She'll happily talk to me if I ring her, but after a while she starts to fret about the bill.

If some one - any one - was ringing me several times a day just to chat, esp if I had young children to look after, I would start to use an answerphone and not pick up the phone when the caller called. They could leave a message if it was urgent.

You cannot easily change your mother's behaviour, but you can change your own, OP. Just tell her that she is phoning too often and that you will not pick up when you are too busy. And do that. She may not like it, but if you are firm she will get the message.

''She may not like it'' is the biggest understatement in the history of understatements!!!

I don't want her to not call - I'd hate to communicate with her by mail - I just want her to not link everything back to her being needed as my mother.

I dont think you're being unreasonable but...but...but....

I see my mum every day and yet we never talk, she has shown little basic human emotion towards me for my entire life.

She only ever phones me if she's pissed and wants to slur something about the kids that ive forgotten in a bad-motherly-way.

I'd actually be quite touched if she cared enough to think something was wrong!

Thanks ST - I do know that she loves me, and I do appreciate that.

I don't want to fall out with her / make her feel bad / tell her to stop calling.

I just wish I could come up with some half way house where she recognised that I am pretty sensible, don't put myself in stupid situations (usually!) and will call if I need help....

(Does your mum SWEAR blind that she hasn't been drinking when she phones you drunk? Mine does .... SWEARS she hasn't touched a drop and then can't remember calling the next day!!!! I find it funny (and ironic, as she'd be HORRIFIED if I ever did this to her!!!)

Wow! You actually WANT to speak to her several times a day? You are an ultra filial daughter, Youcannotbeserious, and deserve extra brownie points.

I really like sending and receiving letters, but each to her own.

So it's not the frequency of her calls, it's the content of them, Youcannotbeserious?