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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be angry at DH - work trip

32 replies

AngryBird6122 · 25/09/2023 21:34

I struggle to sleep when he is away and suffer with anxiety, almost had a breakdown last year but pretty stable on medication now.

He went away for a work networking trip. This is the first trip since before covid.

He could have flown home on Sunday morning (getting home Sunday evening) but booked to fly home Sunday night (getting in this morning) as he said he would be tired after the main event on the Saturday night and would want to sleep in and come home Monday alert and ready to deal with kids etc etc.

He actually got in at 2.30 after the main event, then got up at 8am to watch football for 9am so didn't sleep in as he apparently needed to and was drinking beer early in the morning.

He came home today and is STONEd. He took weed gummies before the flight to help him sleep....

I needed him to go food shopping today and pick the kids up from school in the car but he was too stoned to drive.

Even though we are not on good terms about an hours ago he said we could spend some time together. Being pissed off I said I don't want to talk but we can sit and watch something. 10 mins in he was snoring.

He is supposed to get up with the kids tomorrow but I can't image he has set an alarm.

he was also very flaky with contact over the time he was away (4 nights total) despite knowing I would find it difficult.

usually a v good partner.

How annoyed would you be? I feel utterly disrespected and don't know what to do.

OP posts:
Original poster
AngryBird6122 · 25/09/2023 21:41

I feel like I am not a priority mainly

OP posts:
Ducksinthebath · 25/09/2023 21:46

I’d be more worried about a professional adult taking drugs specifically to get on a flight. Is that usual behaviour for him?

Original poster
AngryBird6122 · 25/09/2023 21:47

@Ducksinthebath no, he has only had weed before in Amsterdam, it's not something we do at home, and he has never had any other drugs. It wasn't to get on the flight (hes not afriad on flying) it was so he would get a good sleep)

the drugs were legal where he flew from btw

OP posts:
DustyLee123 · 25/09/2023 21:48

Your kids father takes drugs, that’s your problem.

Original poster
AngryBird6122 · 25/09/2023 21:48

@DustyLee123 I have no issue with weed, i really couldn't care less. He has it once every 5 years or so in Amsterdam!

I am fuming he had it on a work trip, the day before he came home

OP posts:
Northernparent68 · 25/09/2023 21:50

I’m not sure why you’re angry, your husband was working and then had a long flight. Why can’t you go to the supermarket or take the children to school ny yourself ? It sounds like you’re using your anxiety as a way to control him.

Original poster
AngryBird6122 · 25/09/2023 21:52

@Northernparent68 he wasn't working. It was a jolly. I could go to the shops and deal with DC but he was going to today because I have been doing it since Thursday, just to give me a break. Like, a partnership!

OP posts:
BrawnWild · 25/09/2023 21:55

I think your anxiety is the problem.

Neither me or DH take drugs but DH is a good man and if he took something legal to aid a nap and it didnt go as expected we would work round as it's just one of those things.

My husband is amazing and if he got the chance to catch a day to chill to be switched on for the next week I'd be all for it. But then again I have a mythical husband that gets up with the kids, takes them out, makes breakfasts and lunches and adjusts he working hours to do childcare. If he wasnt like that and was just being lazy I'd be fucked off. Only you can judge if it's a one off.

disappearingfish · 25/09/2023 21:55

You said it was a work trip in your OP.

I think you're entitled to feel a little grumpy but honestly, he's been away a handful of nights. It's not divorce territory.

I'd be unimpressed with the drugs though.

Wakeywake · 25/09/2023 21:57

He's been away for four days, for the first time in about 3 years, and he's a bit useless on the fifth. Sure, he's a bit imature to take weed to sleep better. But seriously, it's no big deal.

AnnaTortoiseshell · 25/09/2023 21:57

If my DH was under the influence of drugs when our DC were about I wouldn’t be casual about that, personally.

On the other hand, your anxiety isn’t really justification for being annoyed that he was on a work trip.

Original poster
AngryBird6122 · 25/09/2023 21:57

@BrawnWild thanks I get your point of view totally, but it's not just the fact he came home stoned, it's the fact he stayed an extra night so he could lay in after the night out, but didn't, he got up to watch football and drink!

@disappearingfish it was a work trip, but loads of activities, not working, if that makes sense. So games, competitions, party etc. He was NOT working hard!!

OP posts:
Original poster
AngryBird6122 · 25/09/2023 21:58

I wasn't annoyed he was on the trip! I fully supported him going

OP posts:
Original poster
AngryBird6122 · 25/09/2023 22:00

@AnnaTortoiseshell bad bad anxiety, like suicidal last year, hence I thought he would have been a bit more keeping in touch and reliable etc, I wasn't trying to use it as justification, just he knows I have been through a lot and would find it a bit of a struggle

OP posts:
BelindaBears · 25/09/2023 22:01

I would be really angry about the getting stoned part. But your anxiety and poor sleep when he’s away isn’t really fair to put on him when it’s a work trip.

Original poster
AngryBird6122 · 25/09/2023 22:02

@BelindaBears I agree its not his problem and I was like look, I've got this, just know that when you get home Monday you will need to crack on so I can catch up on some sleep.

OP posts:
Original poster
AngryBird6122 · 25/09/2023 22:03

He could have flown home on Sunday morning (getting home Sunday evening) but booked to fly home Sunday night (getting in this morning) as he said he would be tired after the main event on the Saturday night and would want to sleep in and come home Monday alert and ready to deal with kids etc etc.

He actually got in at 2.30 after the main event, then got up at 8am to watch football for 9am so didn't sleep in as he apparently needed to and was drinking beer early in the morning.

This is the part I am most pissed off about! Plus the weed gummies...

OP posts:
LiarLiarKnickersAblaze · 25/09/2023 22:07

Wow the responses are harsh. So you've been carrying it all with the kids etc for four days, probably on little sleep as you don't sleep well when he's away. The least he can do is come back at a decent time and not stoned to pick up some of the slack. I'm with you OP, you must be exhausted. He's had 4 day work trip and probably bit of free time in the evenings.

Anxious or not, the OP is who she is and he is her husband not anyone else's. He's not meeting her needs and supporting her the way she is supporting him.

You say he's usually a good partner so whereas others might have a lower bar of acceptable behaviour, yours is higher.

Get some sleep and that will probably help x

AnnaTortoiseshell · 25/09/2023 22:08

Sorry OP, that sounds really tough. I’m sorry you felt so low, and glad you are feeling more stable now.

I’d be fuming about the drugs, but if he is normally pretty supportive I’d be glad he had a good time and just move on.

Original poster
AngryBird6122 · 25/09/2023 22:10

@LiarLiarKnickersAblaze thank you! I was planning to lay in tomorrow but I am going to have to get up now because I don't think he will get up with the kids, or have even set an alarm! At least I will sleep well tonight

@AnnaTortoiseshell thank you, I appreciate that 😊

OP posts:
Natty13 · 25/09/2023 22:12

This wouldn't bother me but I get what feels like a lot of child free time and my DH runs the show very well without me around.

I suspect you feel let down because you won't be taking a weekend away for yourself, and that even if you did you wouldn't come home to a clean house, empty laundry baskets and stocked fridge?

My parents taught me that the best thing you can do for your marriage and family is to take time for yourself and support your partner to do the same. Take youself for some me time, even starting with just a day next weekend. Let him know your expectations for the kids and household - what you manage while he was off having his fun.

Original poster
AngryBird6122 · 25/09/2023 22:15

@Natty13 he is generally very good, he certainly does his share with the house and the kids normally. But I think you are right, I never go anywhere or do anything, I think he just knows I'll be there, so I guess it didn't matter if he came home stoned or tired or whatever cause I was there to pick up the slack. I need to get off and do my own thing for sure.

OP posts:
Sunshinenrain · 25/09/2023 22:16

I think you are being very unfair to blame your anxiety on him not being there.
You are an adult and are responsible for your own emotions.

I also think it’s fine he spent longer in Amsterdam - I too would spend as long as I could there and make most of it.

It sounds like there are issues in this relationship though as this is not ok:

He is supposed to get up with the kids tomorrow but I can't image he has set an alarm.

He is the parent just as much as you are.
He doesn’t get to just not get up with them because you’ll pick up the slack.

Original poster
AngryBird6122 · 25/09/2023 22:21

@Sunshinenrain anxiety isn't something I have a massive amount of control over unfortunately

HE wasn't in Amsterdam, I was just saying he normally only smokes weed there when we go on trips, not in the UK or at home, ever. He was in the US.

OP posts:
NowWhattt · 25/09/2023 22:27

BelindaBears · 25/09/2023 22:01

I would be really angry about the getting stoned part. But your anxiety and poor sleep when he’s away isn’t really fair to put on him when it’s a work trip.

Edited

That’s so hard . I can empathise with op. My husband works away for nine months of the year and I have at times almost had a breakdown , and am often in crisis. I suffer anyway with debilitating anxiety and I can get suicidal and all sorts .
It is so hard when you have a mental illness and the added stress and anxiety of a partner working away.