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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be angry at DH - work trip

32 replies

AngryBird6122 · 25/09/2023 21:34

I struggle to sleep when he is away and suffer with anxiety, almost had a breakdown last year but pretty stable on medication now.

He went away for a work networking trip. This is the first trip since before covid.

He could have flown home on Sunday morning (getting home Sunday evening) but booked to fly home Sunday night (getting in this morning) as he said he would be tired after the main event on the Saturday night and would want to sleep in and come home Monday alert and ready to deal with kids etc etc.

He actually got in at 2.30 after the main event, then got up at 8am to watch football for 9am so didn't sleep in as he apparently needed to and was drinking beer early in the morning.

He came home today and is STONEd. He took weed gummies before the flight to help him sleep....

I needed him to go food shopping today and pick the kids up from school in the car but he was too stoned to drive.

Even though we are not on good terms about an hours ago he said we could spend some time together. Being pissed off I said I don't want to talk but we can sit and watch something. 10 mins in he was snoring.

He is supposed to get up with the kids tomorrow but I can't image he has set an alarm.

he was also very flaky with contact over the time he was away (4 nights total) despite knowing I would find it difficult.

usually a v good partner.

How annoyed would you be? I feel utterly disrespected and don't know what to do.

OP posts:

Fallingthroughclouds · 25/09/2023 22:30

This may not be the issue here, it's just a suggestion, but sometimes when we have mental health issues we can dehumanise people who are close to us as in saying 'he knew it would be difficult for me'. What about what's been difficult for him. Yes it was work, but maybe he also needed some headspace. Possibly this weekend should have been more focused on what he needed to do, rather than what you needed from him. I don't think he intentionally got stoned, he just underestimated the effect. For some reason he's not striking me as a wrong un and I think you need to let this one go, frustrating as it may have been.

Original poster

AngryBird6122 · 25/09/2023 22:31

@Fallingthroughclouds thank you, it's good to have a different perspective

OP posts:

WandaWonder · 25/09/2023 22:34

Northernparent68 · 25/09/2023 21:50

I’m not sure why you’re angry, your husband was working and then had a long flight. Why can’t you go to the supermarket or take the children to school ny yourself ? It sounds like you’re using your anxiety as a way to control him.

Yes this, sure he sounds like a twat but the world cannot revolve around anxiety

Original poster

AngryBird6122 · 25/09/2023 22:35

WandaWonder · 25/09/2023 22:34

Yes this, sure he sounds like a twat but the world cannot revolve around anxiety

Show quote history

It doesn't, that's why he went on a four day work jolly!

OP posts:

JudgeRudy · 25/09/2023 22:52

Assuming he knew the effect of the gummies I'd be annoyed that he's stoned and opted out of family life since his return, however if he had no idea they would be that 'strong' I wouldn't be so angry.
I think flying home later is fine. I don't think he should always have to do what's best for you.
I'd find it really tough being with someone who struggled to spend time away from me.

Radiohat · 25/09/2023 23:19

Maybe he needed a little time out.
Anxiety is difficult to deal with & also difficult for the patner of a person with Anxiety. We all need blowout days from time to time.

Could you sort out a little trip for yourself ?

AmazingSnakeHead · 26/09/2023 00:03

I think things are mixed here. YABU to be annoyed he didn't take the earlier flight. I go away with work and it is exhausting, even if on the outside it looks like a "jolly" it often just isn't, it's networking and you have to be in full on work mode the whole time. A trip to the US for just four days is long and exhausting. I'm also assuming if he went all that way that he wasn't just hanging out with his UK colleagues, but had some higher ups to impress. I also have a partner with anxiety and it is honestly draining having 8 missed calls and having to excuse yourself from dinner to call back because you've not replied in a couple of hours. It's draining to listen to how your being away at your job is causing untold anxieties, while also trying to seem normal to your boss. I don't say this to be harsh, just to try and give some perspective.

But!! you are absolutely not unreasonable to be mad that he's stoned. When I'm away for a few days I do everything when I get back. Take over with DC straight away, do all the beditmes and wake ups. I'm shattered because I've been working harder than usual, but I still do it. My parner would hit the roof if I were too stoned to be an active member of the family after being away. He's also very stupid to be taking drugs on a flight like that, could have been taken off the flight and missed even more time.

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