To think this is a form of abuse?

[Notokat]

My ex partner has never met our daughter (I left him in pregnancy after I couldn’t cope anymore with the silent treatment etc). Baby wasn’t planned but we were planning to ttc the year after she was born so I didn’t think it was problematic, though obviously a shock to us both. DD was two last week. He has been in regular contact since she was born. Every few weeks there’s a text making small talk, ‘hope Dd is enjoying herself,’ then more chat about weather etc. No commitment to see her, nothing of actual substance in the messages. He does pay maintenance.

The abuse bit… if I dare to say anything he doesn’t like such as ‘why haven’t you seen dd, what a low thing to do as a parent’ or ‘will you increase maintenance to help with nursery cost,’ or ‘why are you texting making small talk if you haven’t seen dd,’ he ignores the question and says he ‘thought he could trust me’ and if I start making accusations about him he will report me… ?!

I’ve never once said I would make accusations about him, I’ve only ever called him out on being a shit dad. I’ve engaged with his messages as I hoped he would eventually see her, be decent towards her etc. I am getting so sick of the back and forth but honestly my nerves are shot when I feel I can’t say anything with any degree of honestly in case he makes threats. Is this abuse? Is he crazy?! He is very educated and intelligent, I almost can’t fathom how he can react in this strange way. This has been going on now for two years, I’m sick of it. I want him to either see Dd or cut contact with me for good. I’ve no idea why he would be in touch but never see her? I don’t want to be the person who cuts contact as I feel I would be cutting him off for dd and that doesn’t sit well with me. But I am exhausted of tiptoeing round him.

Why are you keeping in touch with him if he's showing no interest in seeing DD?

Why are you even wanting him in DDs life if he's this fucking useless and an utter arsehole?

You have no need to communicate with this man via text like this. Stop chatting. Respond to messages about DD, offer and facilitate contact. Stop trying to call him out on his shitty parenting because you’ll just end up creating more drama. Requests for money need to go through the correct legal channels.

@00100001 I thought it was the right thing to do to make the effort for her sake. I have absolutely zero interest in him personally and if he died it would be a satisfactory resolution after what he’s put me through. And I never thought I would say that about anyone ever.

@asosStalker its hard to separate the two though. When he asks about Dd obviously as the months pass I then raise why he hasn’t seen her. Otherwise I a merely some postbox for him for updates?

I would describe it as stonewalling rather than abuse. I can understand your disappointment and frustration that he is not interested in seeing your dd or dealing with your feelings about it. It’s really crap.

But he’s unlikely to change his mind on the back of your messages calling him out. So on that basis they are probably not doing you or your dd any good.

He’s never going to be an actual parent so stop your expectations. Take the maintenance and apply for increases properly. I would consider changing my number and having email contact .
Frankly I’d be grateful he’s not muddying the waters by wanting occasional contact.

You don't have to engage with hom because he texts you.
Just ignore the texts, block if necessary.

What do you think he will add to your daughters life? what sort of behaviour will he exhibit towards her? What positives will he add?
I doubt he'll be an asset so move on without him - he won't change so don't hope for a miracle

@StripeyDeckchair i feel if I don’t engage that down the line he may turn it on me that I stopped his contact. I worry about this a lot. As much as I despise him (and I truly, truly do), I know he is her dad and it’s not for me to block him from opportunity to see her?

If I said I only want him to be in touch by email he would take offence to this and again would Iikely use it against me in future. I’ve just had enough. No matter what I do I can’t do right.

@StripeyDeckchair i don’t know what he would add, I just think a child should know their parents. I worry for her.

My ex use to do this, didn’t see the kids but would text me asking how they are 🤦‍♀️

My concern would be that this is his way of continuing to mess with your head. He knows you want him to see DD so he's playing this game. If you block him, which you should, he may then decide he wants to see DD in order to reel you back in again.

@BananaSlug did you get to the bottom as to why? I cannot understand it. I don’t enjoy messaging him and I assume he doesn’t enjoy messaging me either… we’ve nothing to say to each other!

@JustCleaningtheBBQ he definitely doesn’t want a relationship with me. Neither of us want that. So it can’t be to reel me back in, he knows that it’s over. This is what makes it so strange. Either see her or don’t! But if I say that then he threatens me.

Unless you are saying abusive things, just say "go ahead." Call his bluff. He just wants to shut you up or have you play along with him.

But change the way you write things a bit, use neutral language.

Don't say what a low thing it is that he doesn't bother with daughter or criticise him: just be very formal.

Eg.
"[Child] had a good day, thanks, I'm happy to make arrangements for access at a mutually convenient time"
"Nursery costs are x amount - it would be helpful if you could share costs by increasing your contribution, could you consider?"
That sort of thing.

Don't engage with chit-chat about the weather or whatever, just ignore that. Only reply regarding your child's needs.

Stop worrying about her and get on with your lives.lots of children grow up perfectly happily with just one parent / no siblings / no grandparents / whatever.

You are under no legal or moral obligation to exchange regular texts with this waste of space. you can’t make him into someone he’s not.

If he wants to see his Dd at sone time in the future he can email you or end a letter - I assume he knows your address. So stop all this nonsense and concentrate on your own family .

Can you write to him (and keep copy), saying now that DD is 2, you feel it is a great shame for her that he has not been involved in her life. You will make it possible for him to make contact about her, but otherwise you do not want further communication with him. That will relieve you of chatting on texts, which is unreasonable of him to expect as you are no longer in a relationship. Then block him except for a mail or email address. Get him to pay full maintenance - not by talking to him but doing it via official channels. Hopefully you and DD can live happily without him always hanging uselessly around your lives. He is not suddenly going to become an involved dad, so you have nothing to lose and everything to gain in terms of feeling free of him and moving on. If you have any worries about how he might react, maybe get a solicitor's advice first before writing to him.

I mean more to reel in so he can keep messing with you.

Report you to who and for what?

Stop engaging with the daft twat. Ignore his texts in future.

@GalaApples thanks, that’s a good idea, I guess dd can’t blame me for anything if I can show I have given him ample time, kept the channels open by email only, but eventually cut off text. I think that’s reasonable? I just don’t want to get anything wrong for her. I wish he would just be honest with me but he is never ever clear in any messages.

I was in a similar position. DD is 12 now. I'd say cut contact with him. You will never understand him cos you aren't similar. When DD was a baby I used to cry to my dad asking why ex was like this. He would say, 'because he is. He just is. You're only winding yourself up' I would think this was so unfair and thought ex was being let off the hook, but soon came to see reason. You have to stop engaging with him. He pays a set amount out of his wage and that's that. You can have peace.

I don't understand why you haven't blocked him OP. If you do it, and he still wants to know about his daughter, surely it's up to him to apply to see her via the courts. Likewise, if you need money from him do it through the courts, it will be far less upsetting for you to do it via the proper channels than keeping in touch with him, if you really don't want to.

You're not blocking contact. He doesn't want it. Think about it: wild horses wouldn't stop you from being with your child would they? It would take more than a blocked number for you to give up on your child.

He's being very clear.

Ok so a couple of things.

1. You are in control of this situation and your daughters life, not him. You have the power here by merit of the fact you are her primary parent and make important decisions about her.

2. He clearly has no interest in your child or desire to be part of her life. If he did he would express that and make an effort to do so. He has made that decision and it will be up to him to explain to your daughter in the future why he did not make an effort to be in her life. Realistically if he never does and you do your best and give her your best efforts as a parent, she may not even care.

3. It is not your job to keep the door open for him and his relationship with his daughter, again that’s his choice. Yes it would be lovely if he was interested and engaged but he isn’t. So why keep agonising over his choices? You have no control over those.

4. Who cares what he says about you in the future or if he alleges he you stopped him having contact? You haven’t!
   You have written proof in those messages that he made no effort and he ignored any attempts on your behalf to initiate contact.

5. Locate your backbone and your anger! Why are you so worried about upsetting or annoying him? Send him a message with your address and say if you are interested in contact feel free to write to me. Then delete and block. If you move, let him know. That way he can never allege you didn’t make it possible for him to have contact.

BIG GIRL PANTS ON TIME!!

@dooneyousmugelf gosh that’s exactly how I have felt over the last couple of years! It’s so horrible isn’t it. I think part of it is I can’t reconcile his behaviour with who he was in the relationship. It is psychotic he could give the impression he was a true family man and then do what he’s done. I suppose because of that I’ve had more patience, wondering which version of him was the ‘real’ version.

@Punkkitty thanks. That all makes sense. I’ve been so worried about doing the wrong thing for dd that I tread on eggshells around him. I do think it’s time I cut him off. He can still email me but I think I will make it clear that I no longer want discussions about the weather or weekend plans… either let me know a date and time to see her or don’t get in touch.