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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My fault this person left work?

48 replies

sofasunday · 25/09/2023 18:37

Someone I manage (let’s call them Charlie - fake name) verbally abused a colleague in the office and said outright discriminatory (sexist and disablist) things. Others witnessed this & complained. I took them aside & told them it wasn’t appropriate. They said they regretted it and were apologetic. I sent them an email outlining what was discussed. Matter closed, as only repeated incidents lead to further action in our company, but every instance needs to be noted.

Simultaneously our office had planned initiatives before this situation occurred which are now live. They touch on anti-bullying, guest speakers are attending, awareness activities are planned etc

Charlie left the office today, after telling me they’re going off sick with work related stress as they feel humiliated by the department’s anti-bullying agenda and think it’s me trying to call them out in front of everyone. They said I’ve blown this all out of proportion and stressed them out.

aibu? I feel like they are playing the victim

OP posts:
ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 25/09/2023 18:40

YANBU. Their behaviour was absolutely unacceptable, you dealt with it. You did not call them out in front of anyone either, you did it discretely. I think you need to tell your own manager asap and start getting evidence from other staff formally recorded. This guy is going to cause trouble.

NotObligedToArgueWithStrangers · 25/09/2023 18:41

They brought this entirely on themselves.

Fodmapway · 25/09/2023 18:44

Wtf. Talk about playing the victim. Yanbu

Original poster
sofasunday · 25/09/2023 18:50

I just feel like they’re trying to threaten me by going off sick. I’m not the overall manager of the office, I wasn’t even aware that the company was launching the anti-bullying stuff, let alone personally targeted it towards them! These things are planned weeks in advance

OP posts:
user1846385927482658 · 25/09/2023 18:50

Sounds like poor communication on your part.

user1846385927482658 · 25/09/2023 18:52

sofasunday · 25/09/2023 18:50

I just feel like they’re trying to threaten me by going off sick. I’m not the overall manager of the office, I wasn’t even aware that the company was launching the anti-bullying stuff, let alone personally targeted it towards them! These things are planned weeks in advance

But can you see how it looks and feels to them?

It doesn't sound like a threat to me, it sounds like information. (That you're taking very personally whilst criticising them for taking the training personally.)

cuddlebear · 25/09/2023 18:53

I have said YABU but that is for covering up illegal discriminatory behaviour in the first place.

Ascendant15 · 25/09/2023 18:57

user1846385927482658 · 25/09/2023 18:50

Sounds like poor communication on your part.

I think you may be confused. The poor communication was on Charlie's part.

Report the conversation with Charlie to your manager and HR. Charlie might be invited to reflect on the fact that in most workplaces he'd have faced a disciplinary for his comments, so playing the victim here might not be his best strategy because he's drawing official notice to his behaviour.

Createausername1970 · 25/09/2023 19:00

If you followed the company policy - i.e. took them to one side, dealt with it discretely but kept the required record in case there were further issues, then you have done nothing wrong.

You know that the current workplace information initiative is totally coincidental,

Personally, it it were me, I would be raising this with HR or similar (by email, so you have your own paper trail) to explain why Charlie has gone off sick and why he believes it is your fault and why you quite clearly do not feel it is your fault, it is merely coincidental. Get it all in an email to your superiors and do this sooner rather than later, before anything official in writing is received from him.

Cover your arse, in other words.

MichelleScarn · 25/09/2023 19:01

So someone has been pulled up for bullying and is complaining there's anti bullying training?

Newestname002 · 25/09/2023 19:03

Report the conversation with Charlie to your manager and HR. Charlie might be invited to reflect on the fact that in most workplaces he'd have faced a disciplinary for his comments, so playing the victim here might not be his best strategy because he's drawing official notice to his behaviour.

Yes, ensure you have the facts accurately and confidentially documented both to HR and your line manager in case this person tries to make trouble for you. Cover your back. 🌹

smallshinybutton · 25/09/2023 19:04

Createausername1970 · 25/09/2023 19:00

If you followed the company policy - i.e. took them to one side, dealt with it discretely but kept the required record in case there were further issues, then you have done nothing wrong.

You know that the current workplace information initiative is totally coincidental,

Personally, it it were me, I would be raising this with HR or similar (by email, so you have your own paper trail) to explain why Charlie has gone off sick and why he believes it is your fault and why you quite clearly do not feel it is your fault, it is merely coincidental. Get it all in an email to your superiors and do this sooner rather than later, before anything official in writing is received from him.

Cover your arse, in other words.

Great advice. And maybe they are stressed, but who cares.

LuluBlakey1 · 25/09/2023 19:07

Charlie needs to be reported to your Line Manager and to HR. He should be sacked in my opinion- shows no self-awareness at all and has no learned from his actions.

AlisonDonut · 25/09/2023 19:27

If there is anti bullying training and you think it is about you, it means you know you are a bully.

SophieJo · 25/09/2023 19:29

AlisonDonut · 25/09/2023 19:27

If there is anti bullying training and you think it is about you, it means you know you are a bully.

That is very uncalled for.

WetBandits · 25/09/2023 19:32

SophieJo · 25/09/2023 19:29

That is very uncalled for.

Show quote history

I think you might have misread @AlisonDonut’s post, she most likely meant ‘you’ in a general sense and was talking about ‘Charlie’.

AdoraBell · 25/09/2023 19:35

Definitely playing the victim. Let HR know about the dates booked for the anti-bullying session and the incident.

SophieJo · 25/09/2023 19:40

WetBandits · 25/09/2023 19:32

I think you might have misread @AlisonDonut’s post, she most likely meant ‘you’ in a general sense and was talking about ‘Charlie’.

Show quote history

Thank you for pointing it out. I see that now.

Original poster
sofasunday · 25/09/2023 19:42

I’ve had no support with this. I contacted HR a week ago - they haven’t responded. I feel their input would help me navigate this. I suppose I can chase by sending them the latest information.

My bosses are supportive, one said they’re proud of me and the other gave me assurance I am doing the right things. But due to their busy schedules, I have basically had to sort it myself and tell them after.

Our company is notorious for never sacking anyone. Basically nothing can happen to Charlie at this stage. Yet it’s me that Charlie is taking an issue with for following management guidelines yet

OP posts:
Cola2023 · 25/09/2023 19:53

YANBU. It's like when someone gets put on a PIP so they go off sick for months in passive-aggressive revenge / to avoid being sacked.

anomaly2 · 25/09/2023 20:11

Amazing. Someone is upset because they are called out for bullying so they go off sick?? Unbelievable

WomanStanleyWoman2 · 25/09/2023 20:14

Charlie has spotted an opportunity to try to make their behaviour your fault, and has jumped on it. Don’t let them get away with it. Keep every email, document every conversation and ensure it is all tracked with HR. (I know you’re saying they’ve been useless, but keep sending them everything anyway - at least you will have the records.)

Apart from anything else, surely there will be some record somewhere of when the anti-bullying training was booked/devised? Should be easy enough to prove it was before Charlie’s inappropriate comments.

RethinkingLife · 25/09/2023 20:15

anomaly2 · 25/09/2023 20:11

Amazing. Someone is upset because they are called out for bullying so they go off sick?? Unbelievable

It sounds like a displaced DARVO? Charlie is DARVOing OP rather than the original target of Charlie's bullying but it does read like classic DARVO strategy.

Riverlee · 25/09/2023 20:27

I’m a bit confused. Charlie is abusive to someone, his colleagues see this and report his action, and you tell the colleagues off? Surely Charlie is the one at fault here?

Sureaseggs44 · 25/09/2023 20:31

How long has Charlie been there ? Sounds to me that they know what they are doing .