My fault this person left work?

[sofasunday]

Someone I manage (let’s call them Charlie - fake name) verbally abused a colleague in the office and said outright discriminatory (sexist and disablist) things. Others witnessed this & complained. I took them aside & told them it wasn’t appropriate. They said they regretted it and were apologetic. I sent them an email outlining what was discussed. Matter closed, as only repeated incidents lead to further action in our company, but every instance needs to be noted.

Simultaneously our office had planned initiatives before this situation occurred which are now live. They touch on anti-bullying, guest speakers are attending, awareness activities are planned etc

Charlie left the office today, after telling me they’re going off sick with work related stress as they feel humiliated by the department’s anti-bullying agenda and think it’s me trying to call them out in front of everyone. They said I’ve blown this all out of proportion and stressed them out.

aibu? I feel like they are playing the victim

Nope.

Unbelievable indeed. I am so pleased to be out of the modern workplace - not that I ever encounted any of this rubbish when I was there.

Sexist and disablist ?
Would you have taken it more seriously if it was racism?
When will all discrimination be treated the same?

Er what?

Just make sure your direct line manager is made fully aware of the situation, and make sure that your human resources dept are also aware. Just cover your back, ive had similar dealings and they rarely just go away, a week or so down the line there will likely be a formal complaint and you end up accused of bulling and discrimination!

I'm a people manager also.
I would contact HR or your line manager immediately and let them know what has happened including what he said. If you haven't already, write a statement as to what he said and the context you heard this in to add to the case.
Workplaces must have anti bullying and dignity and respect in the workplace training. The fact this has come in to play right at the time he did this is mere coincidence.

YADNBU

You need proof this has been brought up with your managers because ‘they are busy’ and if it comes to a formal complaint, they may leave you to take the bullet. Ditto, go to see HR if they are ignoring you. Tell them clearly you contacted for a reason and wish a formal meeting about the situation with Charlie and want it formally recorded. A slap on the back and verbal congrats can be forgotten by your bosses. Cover your back because they might not!

You say this happened today? Well, makes perfect sense for your employer to have arranged these talks etc because it’s National Inclusion Week.

Not suggesting that you need to explain yourself to Charlie, but might be worth pointing it out to him so he understands the context. He can then choose whether or not to continue being an arse. He’ll make himself look even more of a fool if he persists with his current reasoning.

Thanks for your support everyone. I am trying to do the right thing in relation to the unacceptable comments being made, hence following company protocol to the letter. it just seems to not be getting me many friends! I can’t believe this person thinks I should have ignored it else I’m stressing them out.

Charlie is a wanker, and is trying to bulldoze his way out of being called on it. You have handled this correctly.

I think Charlie had a certain dynamic with their old manager where things like this were brushed under the carpet for an easier life.

In my.workplace Charlie would.have faced formal.disciplinary action. I as a Manager might also.have faced action if I had.dealt with the matter.via a private.word.

It.is.not.u usual for.someone.who.has performed quite.badly to.go.on.sick.leave. IME this is followed by a solicitors letter which attempts to limit.all kinds of discrimination and wring treatment. HR will.sadly be used to dismissing such claims.

I think Charlie is a narcissist with no hope of changing his behaviour. Well done you, there should be more managers like you

I was a HR manager (I also separately managed operational areas). Document everything. Full statement in what, when etc. Send to HR and your management as well. Keep documenting in real time if other things happen, Charlie is turning the blame on you, so that they turn attention away from their own behaviour. It may lead up to a workers compensation claim (stress). Reasonable management disciplinary action is not “bullying” although you’ll get staff trying this avenue. Unfortunately people think that managers should take all kinds of rubbish.

Agree with this!

This matter has already escalated outside of your control (through no fault of your own) and HR need to be brought in.

I would limit your contact with Charlie unless another staff member (preferably HR) was present to ensure nothing is misinterpreted or taken out of context. This way you’ll have a witness and can refute any claims that could be potentially made by Charlie regarding the workplace.

It’s up to HR then to reiterate the issue was handled by you in confidence and that the training days were planned in advance and not targeted towards Charlie. It’s clear that Charlie has this thing called a guilty concious which is ultimately causing him to act out and play the victim.

Whatever you do, don’t apologize! Our own HR department where I works advised all staff of this, as an apology can be argued as an admission of guilt or wrongdoing.

Keep us updated!

Theres bullying and there’s a hate crime witnessed by multiple people. Every single one of your colleagues should have said something and you should be happy Charlie is no longer coming into work.

I would follow up by email first thing tomorrow and address the email as ‘Confidential and Urgent’ within the subject heading and mark the email with high importance. I would request to put a read receipt on the email too (they can decline) but it tends to emphasis the importance of that you will be actively following up if they fail to respond (again). If you still don’t hear anything by Close of Business, call the HR department directly first thing Wednesday morning.

Typically if I have something urgent to be actioned or responded to where I don’t receive a response, I’ll CC the Department Head and my own LM. Tends to spend things up! Your managers are right that you are doing the right thing.

Just be careful you don’t end up stressed and worn out too.

This is not only the most common approach, but I regularly read people here and elsewhere actually recommending it.

Your manager actually manages you - go off sick with stress. There's a disciplinary in the offing - go off sick with stress. Stress has become the new "bad back" - sick notes handed out like jellybeans, and nobody can prove / disprove you have it. Then people who are genuinely suffering from stress are treated as malingerers, because it's become the joke diagnosis.

The only thing that surprised me about this thread was that Charlie didn't go off sick with stress the second the OP told him that his behaviour was unacceptable.

Charlie has bullied and now thinks the anti anti campaign is bullying him in to not being a bully.

so is now off sick. And using the anti bullying campaign to continue bullying.

If Charlie is upset at the anti bullying work as he suspects it is about him then imagine how the person he was actually bullying feels.

Charlie is at it. They are being manipulative, if not then perhaps they are learning a lesson. Either way don't feel bad and dont waste any more headspace on this.

So the specific anti bullying session Charlie said was about them got cancelled. So they ended up being off for no reason as their perceived “calling out” never occurred. It will be an interesting write up because they can’t rely on that anymore imo. All they can say is they assumed it, and the only thing that actually occurred was the record of them being spoken to about their bullying.

Don't wait for HR to get back to us - pursue them proactively.

As advised by other PPs get everything in writing including the complaint, the witness statements and Charlie's response.

Going off sick is a common response to this type of situation.