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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To tell my boss how unreasonable his comments are

29 replies

Cluelessat33 · 25/09/2023 17:29

I've posted about my boss on here before. Over the last 8 years I've dealt with some pretty unreasonable behaviour. Constant critical and unpleasant comments, often in public. He picks apart and corrects my work constantly (think criticising me for using single spacing, kind of level). He's once threatened me with disciplinary action for something I didn't do. At one point I was put under investigation for gross misconduct with some team members, again for something I didn't do, and after one meeting with HR, it was thrown out and we were told it should never have been brought to them.

He is often critical in front of other people. Or makes 'joke' remarks which are pretty critical and unnecessary in leadership meetings. My performance reviews are always excellent. I've never (other than the two examples which were unfounded above) had my conduct questioned. I'm a hard worker, I go above and beyond because I feel passionately about what I do, despite the challenging working environment.

He is leaving soon. Thankfully. But today once again he made a comment in our leadership meeting which quite clearly implied I'm often slacking. He said afterwards it was a joke, but at a time when I'm doing more than one person's job on part time hours, and feel stressed about the number of plates I'm spinning, the comment hit a very raw spot.

Would I be unreasonable to use him leaving as an opportunity to tell him how demoralising I have found his comments over the years, particularly at time when he knows I'm under significant pressure. I believe his public putting downs have lead to another male colleague doing the same, something I will be putting a forceful stop to me, as he is a lower grade to me. Or should I just leave it as he's leaving and there is no point.

OP posts:
HappiestSleeping · 25/09/2023 17:34

Personally, I would ask if he is open to feedback. If he says yes, word it neutrally, but give him both barrels. If he says no, then you know there's no point. Use examples as evidence. You did x, and y was the consequence which you may not be aware of. Additionally, it made me feel demotivated. Try and balance it with some things he does well. The old 'shit sandwich' so to speak.

JoinInBetty · 25/09/2023 18:04

Why didn't you speak up when he was being a twat in the meeting.
If nothing is ever said then they will never have the chance to change. Or you speak up and they carry on being a twat just like my ex manager

Canyoudigityesyoucan · 25/09/2023 18:07

If you think he’s going to take onboard your feedback or grow/learn from it, give it to him on exit.

if you want to give it to him to make you feel better and get a loaf off your chest, don’t bother. It’s a waste of your energy, just be grateful he’s off and see it as a learning opportunity for you to nip these things in bud earlier.

Sorry he was an arse to you!

Aquamarine1029 · 25/09/2023 18:09

Why have you stayed in this job for 8 years?

Tinkerbyebye · 25/09/2023 18:10

Call it out when you come across it. So if he makes comments again in the meeting it’s a ‘sorry. Xx I think that comments uncalled for, as you know I am doing two peoples work on part time hours’. If he then says it’s a joke tell him it’s not funny

and do it each time

donquixotedelamancha · 25/09/2023 18:10

I've voted YABU just because doing this after 8 years is fucking stupid.

Do what you should have done all along: Pull him up every single time; do it privately once, then do it in public and report his abuse to his line manager every single time.

Don't have a go at him and don't report him over petty stuff- only things you can clearly document.

QuestionableMouse · 25/09/2023 18:12

Write it in his leaving card!

Glorifried · 25/09/2023 18:14

And don't wait to pull up junior gobshite either.

The quicker you stamp it out fhs better.

Retrievemysanity · 25/09/2023 18:20

Well not unreasonable but it’s a bit late now if he’s leaving. Plus if he’s that much of a nause, he probably won’t care anyway.

GRex · 25/09/2023 18:20

The time to deal with this was when he was a fellow employee and through HR. You can still review it with HR now, and find out procedures if you are poorly treated in future by anyone else. All you will achieve now in speaking to him directly is an enemy, so YABU as that approach is pointless.

category12 · 25/09/2023 18:23

I think knowing he's leaving, you should try to challenge him at the time from now on instead, so your junior sees you're not going to put up with this shit any more.

But I know it's not always easy to think of the right response or sound controlled when you're on the spot. Maybe have a few lines rehearsed, such as Tinkerbyebye's ‘sorry. Xx I think that comments uncalled for, as you know I am doing two peoples work on part time hours’.

If you do give him feedback on his performance as your line manager, bear in mind the possibility of crossing paths in your career in future.

RedMayaQueen · 25/09/2023 18:26

I would not. You don’t owe him feedback. I have no idea why you’d even try to do something so nice for him to help him be a better person or manager. I’d be waving him off merrily and happy to see the back of him.

ChocolateCinderToffee · 25/09/2023 18:28

Don't say anything to him. He knows what he's doing, he knows what effect it has on you else he wouldn't do it. He's a prize twat. Don't sign his leaving card, don't donate to his leaving collection and take his last day as leave if you can.

Then cut him out of your life. He's not worth giving headspace to.

StrongerThanYouTh1nk · 25/09/2023 19:00

What are you hoping to achieve OP?

ambitchious · 25/09/2023 19:05

It is likely he will pity you for saying these things now, after eight years. He will see you as an even more coward, most people would have challenged him a long time ago. Not even this last time did you open your mouth to say to him that you are actually doing more than one person’s job. So a bit lame to say something now tbh.

ambitchious · 25/09/2023 19:10

Chances are also if you give him this feedback now, his reply and feedback to you might be something even worse and you’ll feel more pissed off. Learn from this and in the future stand up for yourself. And others who might need it. Life is too short.

Moveoverdarlin · 25/09/2023 19:12

I think I would have spoken up in the meeting and said in front of everyone ‘well it’s a good job you’re leaving isn’t it and you won’t have to put up with my incompetence anymore.’

DoratheFlora · 25/09/2023 19:15

Moveoverdarlin · 25/09/2023 19:12

I think I would have spoken up in the meeting and said in front of everyone ‘well it’s a good job you’re leaving isn’t it and you won’t have to put up with my incompetence anymore.’

^ this

I'd try and get one like that in before he goes. Sounds like you will have ample opportunity if he's as outspoken as you say.

No point in giving feedback. I would imagine he has the skin of a rhino.

ambitchious · 25/09/2023 19:15

I think the only thing you can do now is to reflect over why you haven’t stood up for yourself and how to get the confidence to do that in the future. He sounds like an arse, and they seriously need to be shut down. Good luck op.

DaughterNo2 · 25/09/2023 19:19

Why haven’t you reported it to HR?
When the comment was made in the leadership meeting, what was your response?

Ascendant15 · 25/09/2023 19:22

Don't waste your breath. It won't have any impact, and could backfire. If you were going to fight this, you shouldn't have let it go on for 8 years. But leaving or not he can take out a grievance against you.

Cluelessat33 · 25/09/2023 20:11

I definitely have stood up to him before and spoken to him when he's over stepped the mark. Ultimately the make up if the business means effective hr has not been in place, making a complaint about the person in charge hasn't been simple or straightforward.

OP posts:
Alwaysdieting · 01/04/2024 06:06

I wouldnt say any thing I would just not turn up for his leaving do. Actions speak louder than words.

GCAcademic · 01/04/2024 06:18

Alwaysdieting · 01/04/2024 06:06

I wouldnt say any thing I would just not turn up for his leaving do. Actions speak louder than words.

You’ve resurrected a six-month old thread; the leaving do will have already happened.

Alwaysdieting · 01/04/2024 06:54

Yes thanks i notice that after I posted.