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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Should I keep contacting her?

32 replies

Jennybeans401 · 25/09/2023 06:09

I have a friend who I was close to for years, my 2 dds were her dds close friends.

A year ago, my friend had started mixing with a new group of people and seemed to change. She had Covid conspiracy theories, was mixing with a group taking light recreational drugs (not crack or heroin) and she seemed to be different around those people than she was with me. She also kept cancelling plans and letting my dcs down. I was also going through bereavement which made it harder.

I got annoyed with her cancelling and made a comment about not arranging anything more with her. Unfortunately this triggered a type of rage and she sent several nasty messages to me and stopped my dds attending the tennis group they loved (she was the leader of the group).

I ceased contact with her after this. My dds have mourned the loss of their friends over this time and have begged me to reconcile. I have explained to them that she treated me badly but they both don't understand. To try to cut this story shorter, I bumped into this ex friend recently at an activity and she apologised. I accepted the apology and thought we'd moved on.

My dcs were so happy. They mentioned that her dds didn't speak to them when we'd bumped into them but I didn't think much of it. My dcs have begged me to meet up with them. I have now tried arranging a meet up with them several times. We are back to my friend delaying, cancelling or making excuses not to meet up.

My dcs have again been very upset and disappointed by it all. They are questioning if there's something wrong with them and I've reassured them it's not that. Would you come out and ask this person what's going on or just leave this now?

OP posts:

lookingforMolly · 25/09/2023 06:13

I would just leave it, she's not a friend

AtlasPine · 25/09/2023 06:17

To cut your children out of an activity she ran and they loved because she fell out with you is a horrible thing to do. I wouldn’t trust her ever again after that. Was it on a private court run solely by her? Or was a larger institution involved such as a tennis club?

MidnightOnceMore · 25/09/2023 06:21

I'd leave it, she cut your children out of an activity which is pretty terrible.

I think I'd explain in basic terms that it was her issue and focus on making new friends.

Original poster

Jennybeans401 · 25/09/2023 06:23

It was an informal group and she hired the court I think. The dcs loved it and they were very close to her dcs. It was devastating at the time.

I was willing to give her a second chance for my dcs who have really suffered loss of my dh and then their best friends. They've persisted so much with it that I have tried for them.

I feel like this person is hiding something perhaps? I don't agree with drugs but have never said this, I also don't agree with her view on Covid but I have respected our differences.

OP posts:

smallshinybutton · 25/09/2023 06:26

I'd leave it.

Original poster

Jennybeans401 · 25/09/2023 06:34

I don't really understand why she'd apologised and talked about meeting up then go back to delaying meeting up. It's v strange!

OP posts:

MidnightOnceMore · 25/09/2023 06:39

Jennybeans401 · 25/09/2023 06:34

I don't really understand why she'd apologised and talked about meeting up then go back to delaying meeting up. It's v strange!

You don't need to understand, you just need to accept it.

Your friend became a conspiracy theorist, dropped you and ostracised your children.

If you want to help your children, model how to move on from bad relationships.

ThisWormHasTurned · 25/09/2023 06:44

She may have felt guilty when she saw you. I think I’d be passive now. Don’t call her out on the cancelling thing again (she’ll only get angry, won’t achieve anything) but don’t offer or agree to any more dates. Just leave it like ‘Oh next few weeks are busy, I’ll be in touch’ or ‘Let me know when you’re free’ but not commitment to the date. Some people change and don’t want to hang out any more, just let it lie.

Original poster

Jennybeans401 · 25/09/2023 06:48

@ThisWormHasTurned I've tried to do this but then she replies with a list of days and times to meet like she genuinely wants to meet.

We her round to planning it then she suddenly remembers x happening on that day and van we rearrange as her dd doesn't want to miss it. Then it starts over again.

It's totally bizarre!

OP posts:

MidnightOnceMore · 25/09/2023 06:52

Jennybeans401 · 25/09/2023 06:48

@ThisWormHasTurned I've tried to do this but then she replies with a list of days and times to meet like she genuinely wants to meet.

We her round to planning it then she suddenly remembers x happening on that day and van we rearrange as her dd doesn't want to miss it. Then it starts over again.

It's totally bizarre!

I don't think it is bizarre or even that unusual.

It feels like you're struggling to accept the change in your friend. Whatever the reason, you can't make her go back to how she was.

TeaKitten · 25/09/2023 06:56

She said sorry to ease her own conscience, but she doesn’t want to spend time with you and your kids OP, so stop putting yourself and your kids through it. It just drags it out for everyone. She’s an idiot and unfortunately it’s just a sad thing for your kids that you can’t change.

NotObligedToArgueWithStrangers · 25/09/2023 06:57

Hard life lessons for your poor kids - some people are just dick heads who are not worth your time. It's sad for them, but not such a bad thing in the long run to show them that you don't allow people to treat you badly.

Original poster

Jennybeans401 · 25/09/2023 07:04

It is for me to accept it I think and I probably can.

My middle dd struggles with uncertainty, possibly autistic and likes to know where she stands. Seeing them again at this event has made her start to yearn for the friendship again.

In time she'll learn to accept it, it's one of life's lessons unfortunately.

OP posts:

TiredMamOfTwo · 25/09/2023 07:05

She doesn't want to be friends, she got caught out and did the polite apology but didn't mean it.

Move on op.

Original poster

Jennybeans401 · 25/09/2023 07:08

Looking back, my friend often criticised this new group she was with for the drugs and their weird behaviour in front of me and her husband.

I once saw her with this group and she was on board with the drugs with them which i was surprised about (she was a completely different person with them).

Her husband doesn't know about the drugs so I have wondered if she is pushing us away for this reason.

OP posts:

FedUpMumof10YO · 25/09/2023 07:11

She's not your friend.

BabaPixi · 25/09/2023 07:36

I'd leave this. Fully explain to your kids that's it's done also.

ShepherdMoons · 25/09/2023 07:58

OP I remember your post about this last year and how horrible this woman was. It's incredibly kind for you to forgive her but you've seen how she's totally insincere in her apology and you can explain this to your children.

You've probably caught her out in (several) lies if she hasn't told her husband about the drugs and she is trying to keep you out for that reason.

Do you really want your children to mix with her knowing her strange opinions and drug use? Don't cling on to your old friendship. Face up to who she is now,it might make it easier to let go.

My friends share my values and beliefs, it sounds like you don't have anything in common apart from your children.It's not enough really and with someone so callous as this you are better off investing your time elsewhere.

Hellodarknessmyoldpal · 25/09/2023 08:05

I'd leave it. She will keep letting your dc down. If they are at the same school they could still be friends there. I don't think i could get passed the fact she excluded them from an activity they were going to. Very cruel and not someone i would want my children around.

Starlightstarbright2 · 25/09/2023 08:14

How old are kids in this ?

Drop the subject .. one of the things I taught my Ds was we focus on the people who are interested in us .

Hiddenvoice · 25/09/2023 08:34

I wouldn’t contact her again and just leave things be.
How old are your children? I would try find a new tennis club and try encourage new friendships. Explain to your dc that sometimes people grow apart and that’s okay. Remind them it was a good friendship at the time but now they’ve all grown up a bit and time to make new friends.
If they ask to meet up with that woman and children
again I would just shut down the conversation and say no, not at the moment.

ShepherdMoons · 25/09/2023 08:41

This is all good advice OP. Try to move on from this experience, sadly people do come and go from our lives and this is something you might need to tell your children.

Also, it's important to let them know that you've done all you can but it takes two people to make a friendship work.

ShitMermaid · 25/09/2023 08:47

She’s a horrible person and shit friend.
This is a good opportunity to teach your children about boundaries and not accepting bad behaviour. They will learn from your actions so don’t less this bitch treat you so badly and keep begging her to be friends.

zingally · 25/09/2023 10:36

Did you post about this before? I seem to remember a post about some children being cut from a tennis club.

If so, that advice from before still stands.

This woman has proved, yet again, that - despite her apology - she isn't your friend. And her DDs aren't your DDs friends either.

Stop mentioning this woman and her kids to yours. If they bring them up, just say "honestly, I don't know what is going on, they'll get in touch when they're ready." And be a broken record with it. Your children are allowed to feel disappointed, but it's not really on you to fix that. Sometimes people behave in shitty ways for no obvious reason, and learning how to shrug and move on is an important message you can model to your girls.

Original poster

Jennybeans401 · 25/09/2023 12:47

Thanks , yes I posted about this last year. I feel a bit stupid now accepting her apology when clearly she didn't mean it. I usually make a plan and stick with it unless something terrible happens but I wouldn't mess about with people like she has done with us.

OP posts:

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