Annoyed at people telling me I’m lucky

[BananaSlug]

Something that really annoys me is when people say I’m “lucky” my children’s father isn’t around, how is it lucky to have kids with someone that doesn’t care about them or want to see them? Where is the luck in that? It’s actually awful having children with someone who doesn’t care about them and doesn’t want to see them. But never mind how I feel about it it’s also horrible for the children who feel abandoned and question why their father doesn’t care about them, I have to deal with the hurt and upset my children feel and honestly if I knew this that I would be now raising kids alone with no input from their father I never would have had children. If I wanted to raise children alone I would have used a donor but that’s a route I would never ever take as I didn’t want to raise children alone. I would just not have had any as I have no support from family so wouldn’t intentionally put myself into that situation and I expected even if me and my ex broke up he would still be involved in our children’s lives.

I wish for nothing more than a ex that cares about the children just as much as I do, that wants to see them just as much as I do, my ideal would have been 50/50. Yet people still tell me I’m lucky to have an ex that doesn’t bother, yes because that’s was my goal in life to be raising children alone with no support. You are not allowed to say people are lucky when their ex is good and decent because ”it’s not luck it’s the norm” so why is it ok to say it the other way round? I tried to explain this to people but still being met with well you are lucky as better that than an abusive man around, but my ex wasn’t abusive to our children so that isn’t the case here and if I came onto a persons post who shared 50/50 with their ex and their ex paid for half of all child related things and told them they were lucky because my ex doesn’t bother I would be ripped to shreds but it’s seemingly ok to tell me I’m lucky because some exes are abusive?

I hear you OP. I was single parent for 11 years. Its hard work and to boot we have to put up with snides asides because the guy, usually, legged it 😮😡..on top of everything else. It does get lonely..my DD father couldnt be bothered nor commit to coming to arranged visits, broke my DD heart, oc as loving mums we have to make up for dads shortfalls.
I get your frustration.
Tbh though, tell you what grates my gears? When someone says 'hes a good un isnt he?" When tbh they do bare minimum of what we do and its fawn fawn as if he's a walking Jesus! Angers me. If someone would say that now, i just say ' yes, thats why we are together, because we are both good to each other' . Ive had the 'arent you lucky' im 'yeah he is too'. 😂

So people are just seeking you out in the street to approach you and say you're lucky to be a single parent? Weird. Or did you just want a whinge about how hard your life is?

It’s on Facebook single parent support groups, that’s literally what the group is for, I wasn’t winging I was asking for tips on how to cope with exhaustion for those that parent without an ex involved and was told how lucky I am!

Lucky in what respect though? What do they mean?

Lucky he is not involved?

Well, I'm a single parent with an ex-husband who has disappeared from our lives and honestly I feel luckier than if he was dragging me through the courts fighting me for custody. So in that sense I feel lucky!

What did you get out of this twatty post, @Cally098?

Thanks, I did find that post pretty unnecessary.

Well my ex hasn't seen ds for 15 years and I do consider myself lucky.

Of course it's better to have two loving parents.

But if you've had a child with an utter cunt then having to them deal with that person for 18 years could be hellish. I know that my ex would have made our lives a misery

Even if you feel that way doesn’t mean others are lucky? That’s my point I guess, I want my ex to have some custody. I would take him to court if I could.

Again even if you feel that way it doesn’t make others lucky.

Perhaps leave Facebook. I'd be annoyed in your shoes.

The people telling her they think she is lucky, clearly have their opinions, likely based on their own experiences.

Their experiences and opinions aren't going to change this lady's situation.

And it was a genuine question - does she just want to have a whinge about things, as sometimes that in itself can let off a bit of the frustrations and anger at a situation! If so, we're all here for that to bounce it off, it wasn't meant in a shitty way at all - we all love a good whinge to get it off our chest!

But by all,means come at me if it'll make you feel better hun, all the best xxx

Well no one said it does but people respond based upon their own experiences. If they are having a shitty time with a crappy ex then, in their experience, you are lucky.

If they have a proactive good ex then, in their eyes, you would be unlucky.

It's the people you're speaking to.

I've been a single parent for pretty much my whole parenting experience. I'd say I'm very lucky the first wasn't involved (knowing what I know about him now via the Internet - he's never met his son) but I wouldn't have considered myself lucky had my second child's father fucked off because he has been a good dad and a pretty decent co-parent.

Right, but if you are specifically speaking about a single parents support group then you might be talking about people who have been dragged through hell and back by their exes. So they might be wishing they were in your situation.

Those are the only places I have for support as a lone parent with no ex and no family I have no other ways to seek support, I feel like writing at the end of my posts (please don’t tell me I’m lucky) but then you can’t do that because it’s considered passive aggressive, as I said I think people are lucky who have exes who are around and invested in the children but I don’t tell them they are lucky, I see posts from women upset that their ex wants to take the kids on holiday but I would never dream of telling them how lucky they are because mine would never do that.

But again if someone posted on here saying their ex pays £1000 maintenance and I said wow you are so lucky would I not be torn down for saying it? Because my ex pays nothing? I feel they are lucky but I’m not allowed to express my opinion without being pulled up on it so equally why is it ok to do it to others? Just don’t comment if it’s not your situation as I asked for advice from those that parent alone so no good 50 people coming on who don’t telling me “wow you are lucky”

People tell you you're lucky based on their own experience of having to co-parent with a difficult/abusive ex.

Their experiences and opinions on the matter are as valid as yours 🤷‍♀️

When my daughter was a baby I was scared my ex would kidnap her and I would spend my life looking for her (he's that type of person). But thankfully he just chose to disappear into the abyss. I feel lucky 🍀

So next time someone tells me their ex wants 50/50 it’s ok for me to tell them they are lucky because my ex doesn’t bother, that wouldn’t be a shit comment to make?

I hear you.
It's on a par with "I don't know how you do it.' Like I have a choice!

Thank you at least someone gets it as the others seem to be missing the point, I get YOU feel lucky but coming on to someone’s post who is struggling and asking how to cope with exhaustion and telling them they are lucky is pretty shit.

I do understand where you're coming from op, but if you're talking to other single parents you are possibly talking to the wrong audience.

It's like me complaining to you that my dh is annoying me. You might think I'm lucky that at least I have some support.

Or if I complain about my children to someone who wanted dc and couldn't have them.

It is a bit insensitive, but if you're speaking to someone who is dealing with an abusive ex they are bound to envy your situation.

I am in the enviable/unenviable position of knowing what both lone parenting positions feels like OP. My life choices are shit

DS1's dad wasn't involved since finding out I was pregnant and paid nothing for years, it was all on me.

Ex H is DS2 and Dad's dad and has insisted on having them 50/50 to ensure he doesn't pay but won't do any grunt work of parenting (washing uniforms/dentists/staying off work when they are ill/buying clothes).

Both are hard in their own ways like you say parenting 24/7 without a break and the emotional fucking nightmare of seeing your child feel abandoned/rejected is so hard. With DS2 & DD it's hard because their Dad treats them like a pawn in his fucked up mission to try control me and I simply miss them when they aren't here.

I guess people should be more careful bandying terms like 'lucky' around. It's not a competition is it? Raising children when the other parent is absent or a prick is hard full stop. Hearing a value judgement on it is difficult

Many, many, many men use shared children as a means to continue abusing their exes. Currently the courts rarely recognise this and essentially assist those men. They also, regularly continue an abuse they were committing against their children and their mothers are powerless to stop it.

If the other women are saying the OP is lucky, then it means that compared to them she very, very much is.

It’s a general post on a single parent support group on Facebook with 30 thousand people on I don’t comment on posts that are not relevant to me. If someone posted their ex was taking them to court for 50/50 I would be envious but I would not comment to tell them that their feelings aren’t valid and they are lucky because some exes haven’t ever had their kids overnight because they are entitled to feel upset and just because I would be happy I don’t expect them to feel grateful