Annoyed at people telling me I’m lucky

[BananaSlug]

Something that really annoys me is when people say I’m “lucky” my children’s father isn’t around, how is it lucky to have kids with someone that doesn’t care about them or want to see them? Where is the luck in that? It’s actually awful having children with someone who doesn’t care about them and doesn’t want to see them. But never mind how I feel about it it’s also horrible for the children who feel abandoned and question why their father doesn’t care about them, I have to deal with the hurt and upset my children feel and honestly if I knew this that I would be now raising kids alone with no input from their father I never would have had children. If I wanted to raise children alone I would have used a donor but that’s a route I would never ever take as I didn’t want to raise children alone. I would just not have had any as I have no support from family so wouldn’t intentionally put myself into that situation and I expected even if me and my ex broke up he would still be involved in our children’s lives.

I wish for nothing more than a ex that cares about the children just as much as I do, that wants to see them just as much as I do, my ideal would have been 50/50. Yet people still tell me I’m lucky to have an ex that doesn’t bother, yes because that’s was my goal in life to be raising children alone with no support. You are not allowed to say people are lucky when their ex is good and decent because ”it’s not luck it’s the norm” so why is it ok to say it the other way round? I tried to explain this to people but still being met with well you are lucky as better that than an abusive man around, but my ex wasn’t abusive to our children so that isn’t the case here and if I came onto a persons post who shared 50/50 with their ex and their ex paid for half of all child related things and told them they were lucky because my ex doesn’t bother I would be ripped to shreds but it’s seemingly ok to tell me I’m lucky because some exes are abusive?

Yeah that’s it I guess it’s not a competition of who has it worse, I was asking how to cope with the burn out from parenting alone with no breaks. Not saying who had it better or worse.

If he is going to abuse the children in that 50/50 time and they are terrified about being unable to protect their children. Then no. It would make you an absolute shit to try and make some stupid point to someone who is in a much, much worse situation than you. Grow up. No being a single parent isn't easy but it's easier than being powerless about your children being abused.

My ex isn’t abusive so not relevant to my situation and no need to compare. If your ex is abusive I’m sorry but that’s not my situation so I don’t need to be grateful because someone’s ex is.

"Come at me" jeez it's Sunday take the day off

Given that you say your ex has no interest in seeing his dc, there's no good reason to believe that he'd be any good as a father.

So maybe you and your dc are better off without him?

Anyone who abandons their own children isn't worthy.

@Cally098 so what if OP wants to moan is that what support you have ti offer? Bore off.

I co parent but it's a lot of stress and I get EOW (starts on a Saturday 10am NOT Friday eve) till Sunday. 2 full weeks in summer and 1 week at Xmas DS goes to stay with his dad I've had to argue, cry and tie myself up in knots. The only reason we have this pattern in place is because it's court ordered. Whilst I'm glad it is sheer hard work having someone do the minium.... I feel for you and I would feel frustrated too if I was you, you have every right.

Does the dad pay for his DC? All I can suggest is you stand back or don't engage with people saying these things.

OP I think you have every right to be annoyed, because people are commenting on your situation without trying to appreciate how you feel about your own life. It's insensitive.

A lot of people are though, so vent away but unfortunately most won't change until you explain it to them very calmly and slowly and unless they're a real friend, who has time to waste on that?

Basically imo you got to keep on keeping on, strengthen your friendships with people who do get it, and filter out the noise made by those who don't.

It's very unhelpful and annoying for you - sort of 4 Yorkshire men sketch

DSis exs have made made parenting and her life harder but she still has the exhaustion issue of a single parent as common ground with other singe parents -what ever their circumstances- and mentioning the ex complete absence just means you were being clear there's no backup at all and it's the daily grind you wanted help focused on.

It's a mix of top trumps and not seeing beyond their situation in short it's not meant to be helpful.

It's an insensitive way of putting it, as being a SP is very hard. But many probably mean, that your child has stability. They have ONE home. They have ONE bedroom. They don't have to think every day 'where am I going home to tonight?' Where the heck is home? They don't have to live out of a suitcase. They don't have to put up with new partners. They don't have to (shudder) be part of a blended family with other kids they may not like. They can go to the same school.

My mum brought me up alone, and I feel grateful for all those things. No, my dad didn't care. Never met me. But I had more stability and love than most with 2 parents. And that is all children want.

No no maintenance he is absent in every sense. Thanks to those that get it, I’m honestly not saying other people can’t feel lucky and I get why some do but it’s telling me I’m lucky because their ex is worse, I’m honestly heading for a break down not having a single moment to myself I don’t know how much longer I can take as there is no family to help either so whilst I appreciate some people do feel lucky it’s telling me to feel grateful that’s bugs me.

My kids aren’t happy though, they are very messed up by him not being around, my son was asked why his father wasn’t at sports day in the summer and he came home very upset over it because everyone else had their father there and other kids are starting to notice his isn’t around, he was also asked why his dad never picks him up.

I hear you. I think you just want to be validated.

“lucky” is a two parent family whereby both parents are engaged in raising children in a respectful and loving environment. Anything else isn’t particularly lucky in my opinion.

How old are your DC? I have no support work other than DS dad. Obviously it depends on what your relationship was like when you was together and of course your children's dad natural characters. Could you try mediation/court route? Why don't you get any money for your DC? Have you gone through CMS?

@BananaSlug totally get it. I've been a sole parent for 26 years, no maintenance, no contact, he lives overseas (no address, obviously). My own parents didn't want to know for the first six years due to the perceived shame I had brought on the family (I was engaged to DD's father). If anyone called me "lucky" I would have a few swift retorts to make.

Thank you, yes I often wonder if it’s people with supportive families that tell me I’m lucky, I have no family help, I only have my mum but she would never help with my children, I was so ill in the holidays I couldn’t get out of bed for a week and I had no one, not a single person who could help me, or take my kids out so they weren’t trapped in the house for a week, I couldn’t cook so we lived off takeaways I felt so awful for them. Yet I seen someone saying they are ill so their ex has come to pick up the children to give them a break and I’m the lucky one?

He is not working or claiming benefits, he gets cash in hand but I can’t prove what he is doing so they don’t want to know.

I bet it's people with controlling and difficult or even abusive ex who think you are lucky. I would have been jealous of someone who's ex wasn't in the picture as my ex was so horrible and kept on his abusive using the kids after I left him.

But I went on to have a kid with a guy who was lovely not at all abusive but he got depressed and left decided actually he didn't want the family life after all. and has been absent since. I'm livid with him and if anyone told me I'm lucky he's not around to do his half I'd be pissed off too but I understand why people say it

@PurpleBugz it's a bit of a throw away comment I think. Surely your close friends wouldn't be saying OP is lucky. Like anything though if someone gets a bit more childcare or a bit more money it's considered "lucky". Its sure as hell a man's world.

Yanbu. Unfortunately a lot of people have limited emotional intelligence and can only view a situation from their limited perspective. Or are just sanctimonious . I have a dc with a health condition that has potential to get worse. I’ve had close friends and relatives with dc with no health conditions tell me how lucky I am because it could be worse. Lucky is having dc with no health conditions. Thoughtless and unsupportive wasn’t in it .

It’s also quite selfish in the context you describe. Essentially they are saying your situation is not worthy of support because they perceive it as not as bad as their situation. Meanwhile taking your support when offered.
id be rethinking my involvement with the group and looking for other support.

Many people think/post like that. Sometimes it's genuine because their life/situation is really shit, sometimes it's misery top trumps.

My mum is an abusive twat. You're sooo lucky to still have her around.

My ex only pays x (significant amount) . You're sooo lucky, my ex pays nothing.

My baby is sick/has SEN/behavioural issues /I'm struggling. You're sooo lucky, I can't even have kids.

I'm miserable because I lost my right arm. You're sooo lucky, I lost both and a leg.

I'm really struggling with my asthma and ended up intubated in hospital 3 times. You're sooo lucky, I'm already dead.

Some people lack the tact to realise that no matter how desirable your situation is compared to theirs, that's doesn't make you lucky or any less miserable/struggling. Some people just like to stick the boot in and to make you feel unreasonable no matter what. Because there's always someone that has it worse.Neither deserve the headspace. Take any useful advice and ignore the twats.

I think everyone's situation is different op. Some people have abusive exes. They would like to not see them ever again.
Co-parenting isn't always easy. Sometimes it's the biggest headache in the world.
Either tell people not to tell you you're lucky, or ignore.