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Original poster

Should 18 yo be trusted with 8yo, 10yo and 14yo with autism alone for a week

57 replies

lookingforadviceuk · 24/09/2023 13:14

Hi, i'm looking for advice, any is welcome! An ex whom my partner shares 3 children with (8,10 & 14 with autism) intends on leaving them for a week with their 18 year old brother whilst she goes abroad. Obviously we as the other parents have no idea how responsible he is, and we only found out last minute through the kids (she had no intention of telling us by the looks of it!) We are struggling to know what to do, would other parents be OK with this? I personally feel really uncomfortable with the idea. Thank you in advance!

OP posts:
IncomingTraffic · 24/09/2023 13:37

It will probably be absolutely fine. I would imagine the children’s mother has actually thought about it and decided her adult child can manage.

I wouldn’t have wanted to leave my eldest DS in sole charge of 3 younger children at 18 for a whole week. But more because it wouldn’t have been fair to him. Not because I would doubt he’d be completely capable of it.

If the children’s father is so against it, maybe he could rent an air b&b near the school and do it himself. Or is your expectation that his ex must stay at home instead?

Original poster
lookingforadviceuk · 24/09/2023 13:39

IncomingTraffic · 24/09/2023 13:37

It will probably be absolutely fine. I would imagine the children’s mother has actually thought about it and decided her adult child can manage.

I wouldn’t have wanted to leave my eldest DS in sole charge of 3 younger children at 18 for a whole week. But more because it wouldn’t have been fair to him. Not because I would doubt he’d be completely capable of it.

If the children’s father is so against it, maybe he could rent an air b&b near the school and do it himself. Or is your expectation that his ex must stay at home instead?

No, not against this at all. It's just he found out yesterday that it was happening next week so hasn't been able to pre plan time off work, somewhere to stay etc.

OP posts:
JudgeRudy · 24/09/2023 13:55

There's really not enough information here. Let's assume the children are all at school and within walk8ng distance and theres no significant behavioural problems such as truancy etc, then I see no reason why an adult sibling couldn't look after the children provided they have the time, are willing and the kids are happy.I'm curious why you don't know if theyre capable of taking on this level of responsibility short term. So your partner's their dad? Surely he knows. Even if he disagrees with their mum, that's tough. Whilst they're in her care she makes decisions. All perfectly legal and it doesn't look like theres another practical solution. The 'services' won't get involved in this one, neither should you.

Aquamarine1029 · 24/09/2023 13:56

Anyone who thinks this is even remotely acceptable has appalling judgement. Even the mother knows this is piss poor parenting. That's why she didn't inform the father about any of this.

JudgeRudy · 24/09/2023 14:02

Aquamarine1029 · 24/09/2023 13:56

Anyone who thinks this is even remotely acceptable has appalling judgement. Even the mother knows this is piss poor parenting. That's why she didn't inform the father about any of this.

Bit of supposition there. We've no idea why the mother didn't mention it. She probably didn't mention who came to youngest birthday party or when Jackie and Ben are getting married....because its private.

Ontheperiphery79 · 24/09/2023 14:02

As none of us here knows the 18 year old in question, it is impossible to say.

However, if their father, who presumably has Parental Responsibility for the three children, has sufficient concerns, then it is for him to liaise with his ex surrounding this.

Legally, there is no comeback on an 18 year old looking after his minor age siblings. However, if the Father has safeguarding concerns, he can either collect his children, notifying the police and Social Services if necessary, or he can trust the Mother's judgement and carry on his life, whilst maintaining daily contact with his children and be in contact with the 18 year old brother to ensure all is going okay.

diddl · 24/09/2023 14:03

Aquamarine1029 · 24/09/2023 13:56

Anyone who thinks this is even remotely acceptable has appalling judgement. Even the mother knows this is piss poor parenting. That's why she didn't inform the father about any of this.

I can't help thinking this tbh.

Even if the 18yr is capable & wants to do it-why should he?

Have the kids said something because they don't want it to happen?

3 kids is a big responsibility.

ExtraOnions · 24/09/2023 14:03

Autism is a spectrum … is the 14 year old “high functioning”, or “high need” (apologies to other ASD parents, I know these aren’t great descriptors)
How well are the young people behaved normally?
Is the 18 year old mature ? You have 18 year olds looking after people in hospitals & care homes

NImumconfused · 24/09/2023 14:05

Seems very unfair on the 18 year old to me, but hard to tell if it's actually unsafe without knowing more about the child with autism. I have a DD 14 with autism, the "high-functioning" type (as is academically able, in reality she barely functions at all), and I wouldn't leave her with her older brother for an overnight let alone a week. Not because he isn't sensible and capable, he definitely is, but because it would be unfair to make him take responsibility for trying to anticipate her lack of judgement and tendency to act before thinking.

Crackery · 24/09/2023 14:07

No way should an18yo be burdened with that huge responsibility no matter how sensible they are.

margotrose · 24/09/2023 14:08

The 18 year old is an adult, so legally it's not a problem. They're not being left unattended or anything.

But that's a lot of responsibility to put on his shoulders. I wouldn't have wanted to be in that situation at 18, that's for sure.

Lookingforasilverlining · 24/09/2023 14:09

lookingforadviceuk · 24/09/2023 13:39

No, not against this at all. It's just he found out yesterday that it was happening next week so hasn't been able to pre plan time off work, somewhere to stay etc.

Show quote history

Emergency parental leave?

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 24/09/2023 14:10

IncomingTraffic · 24/09/2023 13:37

It will probably be absolutely fine. I would imagine the children’s mother has actually thought about it and decided her adult child can manage.

I wouldn’t have wanted to leave my eldest DS in sole charge of 3 younger children at 18 for a whole week. But more because it wouldn’t have been fair to him. Not because I would doubt he’d be completely capable of it.

If the children’s father is so against it, maybe he could rent an air b&b near the school and do it himself. Or is your expectation that his ex must stay at home instead?

A teenager in charge for a week?? Absurd.

And why the snark against the OP's husband??

kittensinthekitchen · 24/09/2023 14:10

BoohooWoohoo · 24/09/2023 13:17

Poor 18yo.

I wouldn't be ok with this. Does the 18yo know the 14yo never mind how to deal with his autism? Will the 14yo be ok with the 18yo being in charge? I know that PDA can happen with autism.

Assuming you are referring to Pathological Demand Avoidance, it is certainly NOT something that can just "happen with autism" ffs

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 24/09/2023 14:11

Aquamarine1029 · 24/09/2023 13:56

Anyone who thinks this is even remotely acceptable has appalling judgement. Even the mother knows this is piss poor parenting. That's why she didn't inform the father about any of this.

Totally agree.

GreenMeanMachine · 24/09/2023 14:11

It depends on children and 18 year old. You can go fight for your country at 18 - so I don’t think you can just say “18 is too young, you aren’t responsible”. I nannied during my gap year at 18. I looked after a family with young children on my own for several nights (and a week at one point). This was when mobile phones weren’t a massive thing, internet was not in every home (2000). I was very responsible (had been babysitting since 13). I could drive and had a car. I use to do my own laundry at home and cook for myself (so did that for family). I worked for the family for years after in holidays.

What would probably concern me more though is not mentioning to you. I find it odd because, especially with the 2 youngest, surely it seems more sensible they just stay with you (unless for example tog live too far from school)? I wouldn’t expect one of my children to look after the others while I was away.

margotrose · 24/09/2023 14:13

A teenager in charge for a week?? Absurd.

The thing is, this teenager is 18 - a legal adult. It's very different and I doubt social services (or whoever) would be very interested in three children being left in their own home with an adult sibling for a week.

StrongandNorthern · 24/09/2023 14:15

Week of school seems like only real option. School should understand -it's essentially a safeguarding issue.

CrapBucket · 24/09/2023 14:17

Depends on the kids and the 18 year old - it could easily all be perfectly fine.

autumnmakesmehappy · 24/09/2023 14:18

Aquamarine1029 · 24/09/2023 13:21

Your partner needs to go get his children.

Yep. 100% agree.

LakeTiticaca · 24/09/2023 14:21

So the mother is dumping her kids on a teenager and swanning off on holiday?
I would report to SS

mirabellablue · 24/09/2023 14:21

No.

margotrose · 24/09/2023 14:26

LakeTiticaca · 24/09/2023 14:21

So the mother is dumping her kids on a teenager and swanning off on holiday?
I would report to SS

Do you genuinely think SS would be interested in three children being left with their adult sibling for a week?

margotrose · 24/09/2023 14:27

Lots of people seem to be forgetting that the 18yo is an adult in the eyes of the law - I doubt social services will be able to do anything about three siblings being left with a related adult in their own home for a week. It's not like she's swanning off and leaving a 16yo in charge.

feelingcrapaboutlife · 24/09/2023 14:29

Its too much responsibility for an 18 year old. A day, or overnight might be ok, but not a week.

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