To not want to be part of this conversation

[Homehomehomealone]

I am visiting my parents for a few days as I live a bit of a distance.

My mum always drags me into their relationship problems but I've had enough.

I was sitting in the living room with them both when my dad got a text message from 'Jenny', an acquaintance he made through his hobby. He told mum how Jenny said she'd like to meet up with Dad and Mum, as their paths have all crossed before and they had seemed to get on well (nothing weird, just coffee!).

Mum doesn't like Jenny and thinks my dad runs around after her a bit too much for her liking.

I wish I could stay out of it. They bickered back and forth then mum said to me 'Home, do you think your dad should be texting Jenny arranging meet ups like this!'

To be honest, I'd had enough and said 'Listen guys, I'm staying out of this'. I left the room and went to 'my' bedroom. About 5 minutes later, my mum came into my room, clearly furious, and said 'I just want to tell you that the way you stormed off mid conversation was incredibly rude and disrespectful to us!'.

I felt very shocked and didn't want a fight, so just said 'umm, ok?'. She left the room. I'm going through a lot of things, stuff she doesn't know about as I prefer to keep my business private from her, and am already feeling very sensitive and vulnerable.

Aibu to not want to be part of her issues with my dad? I'm sick of her moaning about him to me and constantly telling me things!

YANBU
It's not fair to drag you into that
You said you didn't want to get into it and calmly left the room

Just reiterate in front of both of them that you will not participate in any conversations about their relationship

I think it's rude to try and drag you into it
I'd go home if they continued to do this, I hope you get your worries sorted out @Homehomehomealone

I think you had quite a strong reaction. You could have just said ‘Mum I have no idea’ and stayed where you were. They do sound quite tedious but you aren’t there often.

I think leaving the room was a bit dramatic and unnecessary

But I agree that its best not to get involved in their bickering

"Nothing to do with me". Repeat ad nauseum every time she tries to drag you into their bickering.

I left the room because I'm sick of it. It's every time I see them I get dragged into something about someone. I find it very overwhelming and it's been going on for a very long time. The conversation is normally very tense and I feel like some kind of mediator.

"Please don't drag me into this again, it's your relationship not mine."

Read about the parent-child-adult triangle. You have to stay in adult mode when they go into parent mode, rather than revert to child mode.

Can you explain more please?

I think you got a strong response from her because you are challenging a decades-long status quo. My mum does exactly the same, and has done since I was tiny. I've also recently started laying down boundaries, and getting strong kickback - I should apparently, as an adult daughter, be available as her confidante. But despite the outrage at my undaughterly behaviour, she has got the message to an extent - I now don't get nearly as much complaining about my dad as I used to. I just refuse to engage.
Solidarity - it's really hard to start laying down boundaries after a lifetime of dysfunctional patterns. My parents aren't awful at all but they definitely have a blind spot in this particular area.

Say ‘This is your relationship, not mine, and I’m not getting involved.’ Repeat as needed.

I relate so much to this. Yes it's being going on as long as I remember.

Your mum is being unreasonable dragging you into BUT a) she isn’t to know you’ve got a lot on if you haven’t told her and b) similarly, if you’ve never told her before that you want to stay out of their bickering then she isn’t going to know how much you dislike it. So as far as she’s concerned this has been a stroppy reaction out of nowhere. I would take the opportunity to explain that for years you’ve hated that she does this, you come home for a nice visit and don’t want it marred by their rows.

Sympathies, I have the same with my mum. What enrages me is when my dad was actually awful and I was a child, she did fuck all about it and used to cry to me, I would even say leave him but she'd ask me not to get in the way or suggest suicide for us both (yeah, I know ). My dad managed to semi buck up his ideas and now I'm an adult with a family of my own she still expects to slag him off inbetween telling me how wonderful things are now.

I avoid going to their house. They came to mine recently, started bickering and I said in a half serious half jokey way, "I'm an adult in my own home, which is happy, I don't need to listen to this, so you can continue it on the drive or in your car if you like" it actually worked, surprisingly. If she tries via text I don't respond. If she brings it up on the phone I say "hmmmm". If she continues I say "I don't want to get involved, you should speak to a friend". I have always been my mums best friend and she's never noticed she's not mine.

" I have always been my mums best friend and she's never noticed she's not mine."

This is very insightful. It's made me really reflect on why I don't want to ever be my kids best friend. Not because they aren't awesome people, but because I never want to burden them with the task of being my emotional confidante. I can certainly be their sounding-post, if they honour me with that role, but not the other way around. This is one respect in which parent-child relationships should not be equal, even in adulthood. I wish my mum thought this way too - unfortunately she does not.

Maybe.

I've started putting some boundaries up lately and she doesn't like it. She went on a big rant about her sister telling g me the same story she has been telling me for years. I told her I didn't want to hear the story again and she fell out with me. Not long after that she started on about someone else and I said 'I don't want to talk about this' and she snapped at me 'you never want to talk about anything!'.

I'm actually more than happy to talk about a vast array of subjects but am sick of being a therapist. I wouldn't mind if she took some of my advice on board but she doesn't! She just talks at me and ruminates on the same thing, over and over.

She has no real friends so I kind of fill this role but it makes me feel so used. I know this sounds really silly but it leaves me feeling horrible. I've tried to tell her and she just takes it really personally and acts passive aggressive ('oh don't worry, I'll never bother you again' etc)

@Jericha and @MarsandMercury
I relate to so much of what you're both saying.
I've noticed my oldest child has started saying things like 'mum, you look sad! What's the matter?' And I HATE it when he says that. I keep telling him 'I look after your feelings; you don't have to worry about mine!' I can't imagine going round my kids and slagging their dad off to them!

When I was a teenager, my dad had some kind of very brief fling with someone else. My parents woke me up one morning and both sat on my bed to tell me! They didn't split up, so why tell me?! It was like I had to be involved in even that!

My mum had been suspicious of the woman my dad was with and used to tell me about phonecalls she had listened in to or texts she had read. It was just too much!

'I wish my mum thought this way too - unfortunately she does not.'

Me too, and I kind of think it's an abuse of power. As a child you want to solve all their problems and feel so important to be trusted and its only as you get older and realise you feel like something is very wrong with the dynamic and wonder why you're carrying so much baggage that doesn't even belong to you. Its awful!

@MarsandMercury @Homehomehomealone sorry you're both in the same situation. I totally agree Mars, that's how I (hope I) approach it with my children. We shouldn't have to play therapist or keep their secrets, it's completely toxic. For me, I only realised this once I became a mum. I saw a therapist about an unrelated issue but she steered me to address my relationship with my mum, which she pointed out was, and is, emotionally abusive. I see it all with fresh eyes now.

I‘d have been inclined to say "Mum, I don‘t want to get involved, but I also suspect you would have been angry if I‘d taken Dad‘s side too", as it‘s not that she‘s cross you left the room, but because you didn‘t agree with her.

You did the right thing - both of my parents whinge a bit to me about the other, but more in a "he STILL leaves his dirty socks on the floor after 40 years!" kind of lighthearted thing.

I spent my whole childhood as a go-between. It was misery some of the time, and so sad, because they both loved us and wanted to do their best for each of us. They had no concept how damaging their low-level warfare was on us; and how we hated getting sucked in.

I did have this out with them many years later when they tried to drag one of my DD's into their disagreement - no way was I having them do that to one of my children!!!

@Mischance yes exactly my situation. I remember feeling really proud once as a 10 or 11yo when my dad said to me something like 'oh we can always rely on you to adjudicate our arguments, you're very wise'. Now as an adult I wonder wtf they were thinking! I think both my parents believed that if they were present, engaged and loving with me (and they absolutely were), it wouldn't really matter that the two of them were engaged in a cold war of attrition with each other (and often over me!). Unfortunately, it did matter. Our home now is exceptionally calm and peaceful (my DH grew up in a house similar to mine) - possibly too calm and peaceful, we are both ridiculously conflict averse as a result of our upbringing.

I got this as well @MarsandMercury

'You always hit the nail on the head!'

I had to listen to all sorts of things, not just marriage stuff and that was also awful, if not worse.

Children shouldn't be expected to be anyones counsellor. I'm actually the other way now and don't talk to many people about my feelings so I don't burden them. I certainly don't go to My mother. The last time I went to her with a problem was about 15 years ago and she basically told me that she was sick of listening to me moaning and I decided to never turn to her ever again.

@Homehomehomealone That sounds hideous! I think it's a kind of emotional immaturity, there isn't the self-awareness to realise when they are crossing boundaries. My mum has talked to me about her sex life with my dad and I wonder on what planet anyone could possibly think that's an appropriate subject to discuss with your daughter!

Unfortunately she does keep hoping I'll confide in her, but she's a rubbish listener and always takes the subject back to herself.

Nicole LePeira on Instagram is very insightful about parentification (as she calls it) and the emotional dynamics of adult relationships with your parents. I sometimes feel guilty because she's talking mainly about abusive parents and on the whole, my parents did a very good job - but this one blindspot of theirs was incredibly damaging.

And if course I can't discuss it with my mum as when I've tried she says 'oh yes right, I see, we were clearly just terrible parents and did a dreadful job, well fine, if that's your opinion there's no point discussing anything' 🙄