Both of my children are a bit dominant with other kids

[brytal]

Nothing I'm proud of at all and I'm very much trying to understand why and how I can change it.

First DC is 3, second is 1.

I don't remember my first really playing with kids at 1. It was Covid so I didn't take her to playgroups.

She played on the playground with kids and always seemed very interested in them, but she wasn't a bully and didn't take other children's stuff or push in front of them on the slide etc.

She started nursery at 2ish and I was told she sometimes snatches etc.

Then her brother came along and all was fine until he started being able to take her toys etc. she often pushes him away, doesn't want him to play with her stuff. Tug of wars. They argue a fair amount about toys. They don't want to share with each other, all quite normal. I step in on repeat to try to teach them.

1 year old has recently stated socialising more with other children and he's pushing in on the slide, pushing children down, taking their toys etc. I'm of course stepping in on repeat.

As it stands though, when we go anywhere, they're definitely the children who are not behaving very kindly towards other children. Of course we step in, but it's not nice and it seems like it's going to take a while for them to stop doing this, because they also do it at home with each other so much.

Any advice or experiences ? Is it always like this with siblings? The younger one then becomes a bit of a ' bully ' quite young ? I'm the younger sibling and was beat up by my big brother a lot, but it made me timid with other kids, rather than a fighter.

First DC is 3, second is 1.

stopped reading after this 😂

You have to keep stepping in and if they don’t play nicely take them home. It will stick eventually.

They will be fine because you are on top of it and teaching them.

This. You are being a responsible parent, they will grow out of it

Don’t fanny about with “gentle hands, darling”. Be firm - “no, we don’t do that, hitting/snatching/pushing in isn’t nice and if you do it again, we’re going home” and follow through if they do.

Yeah I do that or I take stuff they like away or I have time outs, that kind of thing.

This. Just minimise its impact on other children, ie. keep doing what you’re doing. It will pass.

Christ come back in a few years love.

Can you enlighten me, love ?

This. Just carry on the way you are. They're born with a personality, you can influence it but try not to compare them to very passive or naturally gentle children

Your kids are 3 and 1, exhibiting normal behaviour for their age. You just need to keep enforcing good behaviour and boundaries. It really is that simple.

Hope you’re enlightened love.

Do you know any other 3 and 1 year olds?
Does your 3 year old go to nursery or other childcare setting?

You're doing the right thing by keeping an eye on things and teaching them how to get along with others but it sounds like their behaviour is typical for the age and you might be catching other kids when they are being calmer rather than when they are whirlwinds too.

It's not good to push and snatch but it's not usually possible for kids those ages to use older techniques like using their words instead. They need to learn so that they can get along with others but it takes time.

If the 3yo is at nursery then it's worth asking what his behaviour is like towards kids his own age and how he is compared to them. Sometimes kids won't be so physical with others - just their younger sibling.

Is your younger one very competitive? My second child had more sibling rivalry brewing in her than her siblings had combined so I had to make sure that the others had space from her. They don't physically fight any more but I could see why the older one would get annoyed with her.

I know other 3 year olds and 1 year olds. The 3 year olds are usually pretty much like my DD. But the 1 year olds aren't like my DS. They're much more chilled and don't behave like he does. But, one thing to note is that my 1 year old is probably more mature than the other 1 year olds I know. He's running around, very agile- just crazy. He also already has pretty good understanding of stuff and speaks a little. ( I know that's not unusual at all ). But the other 1 year olds I know are still much more babyish than him. They are just starting to walk, whereas my son is already running. So perhaps, they'll also behave like him in a few months.

My 3 year old goes to nursery and they say she's learning to take turns and share just like all the other children. She can be stubborn about

I think that the way you deal with this at home can have an impact. Start noticing what you say and how you say it when issues occur at home. It may be that changing the words you use or tone of voice will work better. Do you explain to the 3 year old how it affects the 1 year old when she pushes/hits/grabs for example and do you show the 1 year old that the 3 year old is sad when she takes his toy or whatever. Give them the same language that you use “I feel sad when you…” “it hurt when you kicked me…” and of course “whe n you have finished with the car please can i have it.” All of this on repeat and hopefully you will get there.

Sorry I pressed send. Apparently she can be stubborn about sharing but nothing out of the ordinary. She's improving there and learning and on par with her peers.

They don't seem to care about that and just want to hurt each other tbh. 3 year old occasionally gets it and says sorry.

Emulate "taking turns" as per the nursery and also "toys are for sharing".

I would also read "how to talk so kids will listen, listen so kids will talk" plus "siblings without rivalry".

I think it helps them if you verbalise what their behaviour is communicating.

As long as you give clear reasons for why it's wrong, don't use euphemisms they learn. Remove them from the situation after one warning eg they snatch a toy, you approach say no we don't do that it's x's turn handing toy back, they do it again you repeat and bring your dc away from the situation for literally a minute explaining why you have removed them. Repeat at all instances and they learn. By 4 that sort of behaviour with friends and strangers tends to reduce a lot but with siblings squabbling is ongoing, time outs work well for this sort of behaviour once they understand it's wrong so about 4. (I used this approach with my 2 and quite frankly the dog as well !)

I think that there is definitely a difference in the way some younger siblings interact with other kids at this stage. I found that with my 2 girls.
A firm hand is needed. Also I found that the older one appreciated that toys were for sharing if she has some special ones that were not for sharing. So when younger one was asleep or out, she could get them out.
As pps said, it's a long game!

Yes you have to keep doing what you’re doing. Being firm about it and steering them away whenever that act in that way. They’re 3 and 1 so they’ll be acting on instinct at this point, but you can make sure that they will grow out of it and into better habits by making it really clear.

It’s the parents who just leave the “dominant” child to it that cause the problem - no doubt in some cases thinking it’s fine as their child isn’t on the receiving end.

They're very young and you're correcting the behaviour, they'll be fine.

We have the opposite with our eldest, even at 5 she's the one standing back at the top of the slide as the others push past her. Harder to teach the nuance of standing up for yourself without going too far the other way!

Youngest is 3 now and did indeed learn the negative behaviours like pushing, whining and tantrums at a younger age thanks to the excellent classes her big sister gave. All very normal.

It's far easier to teach appropriate boundaries along the way than to instil confidence imo. They will hopefully develop empathy and kindness as they get older but that's still a way away (at least for the 1yo).

You're doing exactly the right thing. Keep going and things will improve gradually, though ime you won't really see the rewards until they're around 4/5 and starting school. It was at this age that I really began to see what all my efforts had been for.

Read some parenting books to understand what to expect from your children at 1 and 3. You have expectations of them way beyond their ages.

I have actually and I do, thanks. I don't 'expect' . I just asked if it's common for the sedond child to behave like my son does, because he sees that behaviour modelled in children.

Stop being so patronising.

The single biggest example is how you treat them.