Both of my children are a bit dominant with other kids

[brytal]

Nothing I'm proud of at all and I'm very much trying to understand why and how I can change it.

First DC is 3, second is 1.

I don't remember my first really playing with kids at 1. It was Covid so I didn't take her to playgroups.

She played on the playground with kids and always seemed very interested in them, but she wasn't a bully and didn't take other children's stuff or push in front of them on the slide etc.

She started nursery at 2ish and I was told she sometimes snatches etc.

Then her brother came along and all was fine until he started being able to take her toys etc. she often pushes him away, doesn't want him to play with her stuff. Tug of wars. They argue a fair amount about toys. They don't want to share with each other, all quite normal. I step in on repeat to try to teach them.

1 year old has recently stated socialising more with other children and he's pushing in on the slide, pushing children down, taking their toys etc. I'm of course stepping in on repeat.

As it stands though, when we go anywhere, they're definitely the children who are not behaving very kindly towards other children. Of course we step in, but it's not nice and it seems like it's going to take a while for them to stop doing this, because they also do it at home with each other so much.

Any advice or experiences ? Is it always like this with siblings? The younger one then becomes a bit of a ' bully ' quite young ? I'm the younger sibling and was beat up by my big brother a lot, but it made me timid with other kids, rather than a fighter.

It's all totally normal at their age, especially where they have a sibling and are learning to compete for resources.

As previous posters have said, the only thing you need to do is be very firm and clear - "NO!" and lift them away from the situation, carry them outside if they go into a rage. I wasted too much time with the "Ooh, we don't snatch!" "Gentle hands" bullshit, and trying to persuade a toddler of the wisdom of sharing. It all got easier when I just started barking "NO" and lifting him out of it.

I parenting course said to explain to them what you want them to do rather than just telling them what not to do.
I would also say you need to play nicely which means no taking other children's toys and if you do we will leave - and stick to this.
I once told my twins at age 3 that I would leave a playground if they didn't stop fighting - it started to thunder which was the real reason I left but they assumed it was because they were fighting and I never had an issue in the playground ever again.

Tribevibes · Today 10:00

Your kids are 3 and 1, exhibiting normal behaviour for their age. You just need to keep enforcing good behaviour and boundaries. It really is that simple.

Hope you’re enlightened love”

Unnecessarily rude. For lots of children, it isn’t normal behaviour at that age.

Just keep on top of it - we have close friends whose children at that age got let away with bullying behaviour and guess what, they're not very nice children to be around now. Which makes social gatherings awkward and usually ends in tears from ours who hate being around them.

Just keep on OP. Most parents will understand and sympathise as long as you watch and intervene as needed. They’ll get there.

And I’d echo “No!” rather than trying to reason with a barely verbal child.

Agree the post was rude, but it absolutely is normal behaviour at those ages. Not all DC will do it, but it's very normal and not indicative of poor parenting or issues like additional needs etc. As long as it's persistently corrected they'll grow out of it.

Then you are doing fine - they will grow out of it

Honestly, pretty much stopped reading when I read they were 3 and 1. It sounds like very normal behaviour for that age group. 3 year olds sometimes snatch, and 1 year olds sometimes push. That's the nature of the breed.
It sounds like you are projecting a bit because of everything that happened with your bully of an older brother.

All you need to do is to follow through on corrections, "if you push/hit/snatch from others, we're going to go home." Then go home if the behaviour continues.

Chill. I thought my 2 DC were the devil incarnate at that age. They're lovely well adjusted teenagers now.

It always feels like your children are being the worst. They're not, you're just doing the decent thing and parenting. I bet if you look closely others children are similar but maybe not being picked up on (deliberately or not).

I must say I never used the “when you do this it makes me sad” language, because it didn’t, it made me annoyed. So I would try to do it the other way and praise them when they do the right thing, catch them playing nicely and comment on it. When they are snatching/rough just comment “it looks like you want this toy too, but we take turns. You can have this when Bob is finished his turn” or “it looks like you’re frustrated right now. That’s fine, but we don’t hit because it hurts. You can say “I feel annoyed!” to let your sister know how you feel”

Beware of setting them up against each other or always having a golden child. My SIL and BIL are like this - the youngest one antagonises the oldest, the oldest fights back and the youngest goes crying to mum. This has been going on for 9 years now and they have no closeness and honestly the family are falling apart over something that’s blindingly obvious to an outsider.

I also HIGHLY recommend “Siblings Without Rivalry” which is a fantastic book. Also How to Talk. Both changed my parenting.

Those long explanations don't work with 1 year olds. I've seen parents do that and the child has no idea what they're talking about, doesn't care, and wouldn't even if they were capable of concentrating long enough to follow it. OP doesn't seem to be that kind of parent though so her kids will be fine.

Does anyone tell your relations what's going on?

Same! Op are you seriously asking? At 3&1 really?

I don't think my child knew what other children were at that age

My child was the same as your one year old - not because she was used to fighting for what she wanted but because she was the youngest of a large family and assumed that if someone waved a toy around her it was because they were offering it to her! We played lots of swapping games and her devoted older siblings were discouraged from giving her everything she showed an interest in.

My boys were rough as toddlers and I think it was because they hadn't learned any better. By the time they started nursery they were fine. You're doing all the right things.

I guess I was lucky in that mine did understand that from a young age, although I do agree that a 23 month old is different to a 13 month old.
Time outs are awful though, it just teaches your child that their emotion is something to be punished for.

@Pollyputhekettleon nope! Both BIL and SIL are prickly and I wouldn’t dare raise it.
They came to stay recently and my 13 year old, as soon as they left was like “omg they need family therapy, why are they so mean to X all the time when it’s obviously Y who’s causing the problem?”
It’s a truly terrible family dynamic caused by over punishing and constantly misreading the situation, and labelling the older child as a problem.

That's horrible, the poor kid.

Don't agree. It gives them time to calm down enough to hear you when you explain that it was their behaviour that got them there.

Some toddlers are naturally more gentle than others.. you only have to watch at a toddler group to see that, but the vast majority are much kinder and better behaved by school age as long as boundaries are consistent.

I have a feisty, sociable toddler dgs I look after, and between 1-2 he was a tiny demon.. inclined to push, snatch and given a chance, bite. But at 2.6 he has improved considerably as his speech has developed, ditto his understanding, and although we still watch him like a hawk in situations that are likely to trigger behaviour (favourite toys at toddlers, being over tired etc) the reminders of turn taking/ kind hands/ swift removal, are working.

It's when carers DON'T monitor and step in that the behaviour continues. Toddlers and small children aren't reasonable and it takes time to learn :)

I had 4 very close in age and at times it was like a war zone.. but they all became very nice children eventually :)

I think a time out for a bad behaviour doesn't teach them that feelings are bad. I think a time out for having a meltdown teaches them that feelings are bad.

I don't do time outs for tantrums, just for bad, defiant behaviour. Example : DD keeps taking the toy off her brother, I explain it's his turn and she can play with it once he's finished. DD continues, then takes the toy, pushes her brother over and looks me straight in the eye and says ' ha ha '. That kind of thing needs a time out.

Another example, DD wants to wear pink top that's in the wash and for some reason she just can't let it go and starts having a huge crying / screaming tantrum. No time out required here. For that situation I try to validate ' your want to wear your top but it's in the wash so you're disappointed and sad.' I understand ' ' do you need a hug ?' Usually now she would just come in for a hug herself and tell me she's feeling a bit sad because she can't wear her top. Anyway it's what I've taken from a bunch of books and mumnset advice tbh...

Your approach needs more consistency and simplicity. Time out, verbal reprimands and removal of items is to much and confusing at this age. Choose one and do it every time. I'd recommend a firm no and no hen remove the child and walk away. Let them go back on their own to the toy/slide etc and if it happens again no and go home. That's it.

It's not actually that normal despite what others say. It's just tolerated because people excuse it as they are young. Parents are too soft these days

I couldn't disagree more about it not being normal.

They must be nice to each other some of the time. When they are praise like mad. When you see other kids being kind tell them about it - look at that little boy sharing his toys with his sister isn't he kind- look at that lady cuddling her dog isn't that lovely- can you help mummy and fetch Tommy that teddy

@Sheselectric22 i am fascinated by you! Do you have children?