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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Watching WhatsApp

36 replies

HidinIdentity123 · 23/09/2023 19:31

Last night was a fairly normal evening. DP drinks a lot on the weekend. Drinking at our local pub, some acquaintances invite us both back to theirs for drinks. I decline. DP(40s) (unusually) thinks he would like to go but doesn’t know where they live. He wanders off down the road for 15 minutes and comes back, no idea where the ‘party’ is. Another girl we are drinking with, let’s call her Jane (18) offers to show him when she goes home. I tell him not to be ridiculous but leave it at that.

I leave DP, Jane and another male friend to have last drinks and smoke. This is common. I got to bed 2ish. I always ask Jane to text me when she gets home so I know she’s home safe ( she doesn’t have far to go). By 2.50 I WhatsApp her to check, she confirms she’s home and apologised for forgetting to text. All good, I go to sleep. DP gets into bed at 5.30am, waking me up. Something seems odd. I quietly check Messenger/WhatsApp for any communication from him in the meantime, and see DP was online at 5.19. Gut feeling makes me check, Jane was online at 5.09.

When he wakes up I ask him what he did for 3 hours. He can’t remember, I ask if he went to the party, he thinks he did, but can’t remember anything. I message Jane to see if he went, she says she showed him where to go on her way home. I message another friend who was there, she says DP never turned up.

By lunchtime, DP has concluded that Jane took him to the wrong place, there was no one there, and he turned round and came home. That doesn’t take 3 hours!

I can’t help but watch WhatsApp all day. I notice both DP and Jane are online within a few minutes of each other, particularly at the time he ‘remembered’ what happened. I should add that Jane is an employee of mine, DP has no reason to have her phone number, however he is a social media tart and adds anyone and everyone as soon as he meets them. AIBU to think there’s more to this?

OP posts:
Vegandiva · 23/09/2023 19:40

Trust your gut on this one. Doesn’t remember something that just happened?!? 🙄

SisterMichaelsHabit · 23/09/2023 19:42

I can’t help but watch WhatsApp all day.
You need to work on this obsessive behaviour before your next relationship, it's not on. Either you trust your partner or you don't.

And I do mean next relationship. The trust is gone in this one, it's dead in the water now.

Original poster
HidinIdentity123 · 23/09/2023 19:43

He’s blaming it on the alcohol - 2 and a bit bottles of wine and he’s lost 3 hours 🤷‍♀️

OP posts:
Vegandiva · 23/09/2023 19:44

Either way I think you can do better or would be better off alone, he’s either cheated or he’s an alcoholic, neither are good

SeekChase · 23/09/2023 19:57

As judge judy says, if it quacks like a duck, its a duck. Definite red flags.

Jak803 · 23/09/2023 20:11

Trust your gut.

winterchills · 23/09/2023 20:13

Yeh definitely something dodgy here. I wouldn't be believing either of them

Overreactingmom · 23/09/2023 20:14

This would ring alarm bells for me op. I hope you get to the bottom of it

teaandtoastwithmarmite · 23/09/2023 20:33

This does sound dodgy as

CirceIsMyHomegirl · 23/09/2023 20:35

He's full of shit.

Cosycover · 23/09/2023 20:38

He is in his 40s and you think he has shagged your 18 year old employee?

God that's so disgusting. You need to keep quiet for now and act like you aren't suspicious. And get digging.

Or the next time you see them both online simply ask for his phone and see what he says.

Original poster
HidinIdentity123 · 23/09/2023 20:39

If I try and login to his WhatsApp from a different device will it ping and tell him? I can take a guess at his password!

OP posts:
IAmAnIdiot123 · 23/09/2023 20:41

It will likely send him a verification text so I wouldn't do that. Just wait till he's asleep then look at his phone.

Original poster
HidinIdentity123 · 23/09/2023 20:42

@Cosycover thats my plan. I’ve laughed it off for now. She’s moving away next week, but that’s not the point….

OP posts:
catsnore · 23/09/2023 20:45

Could you ask to check something on his phone (like a phone number or something?). If nothing to hide he will gladly hand it over. You might be able to sneak a look at his WhatsApp. If he's hiding something he's not going to hand it over or will stand over you while you check.

TokyoSushi · 23/09/2023 20:48

Eeek, that doesn't sound good OP

Whattodo112222 · 23/09/2023 20:50

Doesn't sound good.... but watching WhatsApp all day is not exactly healthy is it...

Original poster
HidinIdentity123 · 23/09/2023 20:56

@Whattodo112222 i agree it’s not healthy, and I have managed to do all my normal tasks too! I won’t do it forever, just trying to work out what happened last night!

OP posts:
Sunshinenrain · 23/09/2023 20:57

Watching the WhatsApp tells you nothing and will only drive you mad.

I spent ages proving this to my dad who was convinced that my mum was cheating.

But there is obviously something suspicious going on with your DH.
It doesn’t necessarily mean it’s Jane though.

I would ask another couple of people who were at the party and make sure that he definitely wasn’t there.
I would also do some digging.

I would then confront him and say X said you weren’t at the party.
He’ll most likely say they were drunk and so don’t remember etc and then you can say Y and Z also confirmed that you weren’t there.
Tell him you want to see his phone and you want the truth of where he went.
I

Original poster
HidinIdentity123 · 23/09/2023 20:58

@catsnore we never borrow each other’s phone! I can’t think of a reason I would that doesn’t instantly sound suspicious 😬

OP posts:
Butterkist8 · 23/09/2023 21:00

Irrespective of Jane, you clearly don't trust him.

Let him go.

Jak803 · 23/09/2023 21:04

It sounds to me like he might have a bit of a drinking problem, which in itself can affect how one trusts their partner. If they’re likely to get totally out of control regularly and disappear into a booze hole, that has caused trust issues in my experience. I came to realise that my ex partner was cheating on me with alcohol. I don’t know if this was relevant, but the drunkenness, not coming home until late and the memory blanks in my experience made it difficult to rely on his version of events and led to me becoming a bit obsessive about his behaviour.

Timmytap18 · 23/09/2023 21:10

Probably not the point but, look I love a little drink and a nice time but I can't think of a scenario where it would be 2am and me and my partner wouldn't go home together.

I think it was an episode of How I Met Your Mother that said, nothing good happens after 2am!

He should have come home with you.

Original poster
HidinIdentity123 · 23/09/2023 21:14

@Jak803 He drinks a bottle of wine a night, two on weekends. He normally forgets conversations, we go over the same ground a lot! It drives me mad, but I know not to discuss anything of importance when he’s drinking. However, if he asks a question about tomorrow, for example, I’ll answer it. We tend to be out together, I hardly drink at all, so complete holes are rare. I think that’s why last night is driving me mad. All he can remember is falling over and breaking an ashtray.

OP posts:
CClaire · 23/09/2023 21:47

Dodgy AF. Sorry OP.

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