Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be absolutely fed up of my overly critical/negative DM?

33 replies

lavenderandlemon · 23/09/2023 17:51

I suppose this is more of a vent than anything, but I'm losing my mind at the mo!

Due to divorce I'm back living with my mother for a while, which I am of course very grateful for. But it's really doing my head in at the same time. She's always been a bit like this, but it's definitely got worse as she's got older - or maybe I notice it more?

It feels like everything I do is wrong, from loading the dishwasher to my choice of sandwich filling, and of course, I must be told all about it. Everything is questioned - why did I park like that, why did I hang the washing out like that, why am I tired, did I close the front door properly, why did I look out the window just now - and on and on constantly!

So, I know IABU, and I should ignore it and be grateful, but god it's wearing me down! Anyone else's mother like this?

OP posts:
Gassylady · 23/09/2023 17:54

You have my sympathy it must be so draining for you

LivingDeadGirlUK · 23/09/2023 17:56

My mum is like this, as she has got older she just says whatever pops into her head, there is no filter before it goes to her mouth.

Wildthingsrevenge · 23/09/2023 17:58

My mum was like that. When we went anywhere in the car, she had to comment on every bloody street we went past. It's draining not to be able to do right for doing wrong.

sympathy!

neilyoungismyhero · 23/09/2023 18:01

I'm married to a similar person it drives me nuts.

Whereareallthejellyfish · 23/09/2023 18:29

You have my utmost sympathy, my DM has been like this all my life, to the point where I have crippling anxiety, which is apparently all my fault too - because she used to have that and just snapped herself out of it!!

It is draining, it is tiring and I really really feel for you OP xx

ChildrenOfTheQuorn · 23/09/2023 19:06

Buy some headphones.

KnowledgeableMomma · 23/09/2023 19:19

No words of advice here, just letting you know you are not alone. My mother had to move in with us after my father passed away and we are in year 4 of this. It hasn't gotten any better and I agree, it's soul crushing!

Original poster
lavenderandlemon · 23/09/2023 20:13

Ahhh, so glad I'm not alone! @Wildthingsrevenge not being able to do right for wrong is exactly what it is!

@ChildrenOfTheQuorn headphones might help a bit, but maybe not much - if I don't answer her because I'm busy, she tends to just keep repeating what she's said until I do!

Just remembered another one at dinner - she has to comment on and pick apart every meal, e.g. is this meat cooked, should we have cooked the carrots for longer, this is very fatty, is it too spicy for you, it's not as good as the M&S one...I just want to sit and enjoy my food, not think about all the things that might be wrong with it!

OP posts:
Restinggoddess · 24/09/2023 00:02

What happens when you ask her a question?
This seems to be a list of questions- is that all she does? Is she caught in a cycle of questions- I wonder what happens if she is explaining something as opposite what she sees as conversation but comes across as questions
Just wondering
You have my sympathy

PussInBin20 · 24/09/2023 00:08

Well you’re a better person than me as I couldn’t live with mine due to the same reasons!

Staygoldponyboystaygold · 24/09/2023 00:16

You have my sympathies, my DM can be like this. I find just having her here for Sunday lunch exhausting.

DramaAlpaca · 24/09/2023 00:17

I have one of those. She doesn't have a positive bone in her body, she criticises everyone and everything. It's very wearing and it's just one of the reasons that I'm low contact with her. You have my sympathy, OP.

jannier · 24/09/2023 07:59

Is she suffering mental health issues?

ChaToilLeam · 24/09/2023 08:04

Mine is like this. It’s very, very tiring. She has to find fault with everything.

Yirk · 24/09/2023 08:10

Maybe your mother has established her own routines since you left and is struggling with change, maybe you need to move out and manage alone .

ShimmyingThroughTheChaos · 24/09/2023 08:16

We have this with MIL. It's relentless and soul crushing.
It's a combination of mental health issues and total lack of boundaries in her case.

whatdidshedotogetahillnamedafterher · 24/09/2023 08:17

I feel for you OP. I have one of these mothers. All you can do is move as soon as you can.

BluebellsForest · 24/09/2023 08:17

Yirk · 24/09/2023 08:10

Maybe your mother has established her own routines since you left and is struggling with change, maybe you need to move out and manage alone .

What a helpful and insightful and not at all dismissive post. 🥰

Embarrassednamechangeadoddle · 24/09/2023 08:21

My mother is very much like this. You have my sympathies. Sadly I think change is unlikely with people like this.

I think head phones was a great idea. Get out the house and go for walks etc as much as possible. You could try aski mg why she is so negative but I doubt she has ability to change so probably best to try to manage it yourself.

will you need to be there long?

whatdidshedotogetahillnamedafterher · 24/09/2023 08:22

Just to say as well OP when you do move out it will swing round to oh I will miss you, its be so nice having you here,I dont know how i\ will cope I will be so lonely when you have gone!! You wait ...this is what they do!!!! You cant win!

Yirk · 24/09/2023 08:27

No not all of us will say that, some of us like to see you but are fine when you leave.

Some very intolerant and ungrateful and impatient children .!

FlamingoFloss · 24/09/2023 08:29

I feel you. My mum is so negative about absolutely everything and I really struggle with being around her.

SallyWD · 24/09/2023 08:31

My mum is not like this but my in laws (and DH to a lesser extent) are. It drives me absolutely mad!! I think they can sense my displeasure so do try and reign it in but it's still too much!! Why can't people just keep their comments to themselves?

Yirk · 24/09/2023 08:32

Maybe you shouldn't visit them then everyone will be comfortable?

bluetongue · 24/09/2023 08:33

My parents are lovely people and do lots for me. They are also incredible annoying at times and very set in their ways.

A number of years ago while between rental houses I had to move back for three weeks and that was too long.

Y relationship with them, especially my mother, is so much better if we only have small doses of others

My advice is to move out ASAP, even if it means sharing with someone else.