To be absolutely fed up of my overly critical/negative DM?

[lavenderandlemon]

I suppose this is more of a vent than anything, but I'm losing my mind at the mo!

Due to divorce I'm back living with my mother for a while, which I am of course very grateful for. But it's really doing my head in at the same time. She's always been a bit like this, but it's definitely got worse as she's got older - or maybe I notice it more?

It feels like everything I do is wrong, from loading the dishwasher to my choice of sandwich filling, and of course, I must be told all about it. Everything is questioned - why did I park like that, why did I hang the washing out like that, why am I tired, did I close the front door properly, why did I look out the window just now - and on and on constantly!

So, I know IABU, and I should ignore it and be grateful, but god it's wearing me down! Anyone else's mother like this?

I feel for you, OP.

How long are you likely to be staying there?

My MIL is like this she can’t cope if I do something different to the way she does it.

I was cutting carrots in front of he once and she couldn’t understand that I peeled the carrots first before chopping the ends of… and she went on and on about as though it was amusing.

I made apple crumble and kept the apple skins on… she went on and on about how she doesn’t do that to the extent it was rude as a criticism of my cooking.

That sounds really hard work. Mine can be a bit like this too - these things might be worth trying:

• be relentlessly positive yourself - “What a beautiful morning!” “This stew is delicious,” “Such a funny thing happened at work!” etc
• ask her lots of questions about things she’s done, people she knows (obviously the answers might all be negative, but hopefully you can draw out some positive responses)
• reminisce - childhood holidays, Aunty Jean’s wedding, whatever might be happy memories from the past

and obviously make a plan to move out once you can. Good luck.

I suspect she is anxious about your well-being and thinks you’re a child. This seems to be very common with elderly parents.

I make it into a bit of joke 'come on mum, say one positive thing about dinner'

Just keep saying "it's a good job you are here to keep an eye on me/tell me when I am going wrong". You can say this as sarcastically as you like, but it might pacify her and shut her up.

Just to say I feel for you OP. I moved to a different country to get away from the criticism and negativity. Worked on my mental health and have been doing fine. Saw a few times a year but shorter periods. I then suggested she move to be closer to us as she is getting older and I am now remembering very clearly why I put some distance between us. It’s so easy for me to fall back into feeling bad about myself or feeling guilt or shame.

I am coping by making sure I stay in ver close contact with the people in my life that make me feel good. I also try and extra positive around her. It’s exhausting though!!

Solidarity.

@lavenderandlemon

My advice is to move out ASAP, even if it means sharing with someone else.

Yes to this ^^. Maybe consider a house-share (a friend of mine had her own large room with en-suite bathroom/shower) so you can get daily peace of mind and regain any independence which is being corroded. 🌹