to want to kick my sister out already????

[glaskham]

ok....my 17 year old sister is living with me, DH and our 2 DC. She was going to be kicked out of home and have to live in a youth hostel sort of place...me and DH didn't want her going to one of them places, she's got an illness that is very hard, but it makes my parents feel they cant do anything with her.....but saying that they didn't try, they swanned off to their holiday home and left her alone at home for over a week just because 'she'd been ok for a few weeks' (as my mum said to me)

Well we brought her in nearly 4 weeks ago now and i'm starting to regret it.... she's not done anything bad because of her illness as i've been doing ym best to try and confine her to the house, and i take her everywhere with me as if she was a toddler....but i'm not used to having a lazy teenager in the house. she's not working and is here all day everyday sat on her laptop....is it unfair of me to confiscate it because i want her to do more round the house to help pay her way?....if she doesn't get a job soon i will ahve to get a part time job to pay her way, and i'm a SAHM because me and DH want me to be and can cope on our income.....with an extra mouth to feed and put a roof over her head- she's costing us loads in electric leaving lights on etc and constantly leaving her laptop on....costing us an extra £15 in 4 weeks so far....god knows about the phone bill as everytime i turn my back it seems she's phoned someone!!!.....i'm at the end of my tether!!!

i dont want to give up on her becuase i took her in to help her in the way my parents refused to acknowledge she needed....but if i dotn sort it then i'm going to bottle it up so much that i'll loose it and kick her out for her sheer laziness.... she hasn't even gone to sort out getting jobseekers, and ahsn't even glanced at the jobs pages in the paper even though i keep circling them and handing it to her!!!

I dont know what to do.....i want to get her back to how she was the first week...i made a rota of what jobs she had to do on what day (to ease my workload of housework and also have the house even more sparkley) but now i'm having to ask her all day to do things.....she left pots there for over 2 days till she washed them....and that was the second time she'd done that so i refused to wash them (lucky i have spare pans eh!!)

she sleeps in bed till 10-11am each morning, she doesn't even wake up when the kids jump on her!!! and i ahve to shout her loads of times before i get an answer!!!

so advice....i need to know what i can do to get this lazy teen out of her pit and working more to pay her way.....if she did all the housework i ask of her i wouldn't mind getting a little job to pay for her, but at the moment i worry what my house would look like if i was at work!!!

HELP ME PLEASE!!!!!

Ah, a lazy, selfish teenager. Not an uncommon breed. Plus in your sister's case there's obviously lots going on with the relationship with your parents and her illness - not surprising she's either not being reasonable/is seeking attention and reassurance that people love her whatever she does/or is taking advantage - you choose!

Does she know you are seriously contemplating having to take a part-time job to support her? I'd sit her down and have a serious, firm but polite conversation (assertive, not shouting or blaming). Show her the electricity bill - in fact show her your income and outgoings so she really gets the point.

her illness revolves around money, she has some form of kleptomania (sp?)....so i am trying to show her how much we have to budget to afford to keep ourselves and the kids etc...in the hope she will get different assosiations with money other than just to spend on things for yourself (like my parents do...and brag about how much X cost etc)

i told her when she moved in that depending on how things go i may have to take a part time job if she couldn't get a job and depending on what jobseekers allowance was....i'm under the im pression its about £40 pw but i'm not sure as she's not been to find out and get herself on their records!!! I have tried to accompany her but with DS at nursery i cant really go out for long in a morning to go with her....DH is off on friday (which is normally weekend) so if she hasn't been by then i'll drag her myself and leave DH with the kids!! I just dont know what to do....i do feel she's taking advantage of me, and DH is feeling put out in his own home, we cant even cuddle on the couch in an evening as she sprawls out and sits with her laptop!! I dont feel DH should feel like that in the homes he's working so hard to keep over our heads!!

Isn't kleptomania a compulsion to steal things?

I don't mean to trivialise what your sister has got as I don't have all the facts but why is she not able to get a job? And why does she need looking after constantly? Is it because she would try and go and take things?

I don't mean to sound harsh, but why should you go out to work to keep your sister? Whe hasn't even been to sign on or whateverl let alone look for a job! Really don't understand this at all. Why should your DH suffer when, as you say, he is working to keep a roof over your heads?

What comes first to you - DH and DCs or your sister? Your sister is taking advantage big time

Set a date by which she either has to get a job and contribute to the household budget or move out.

I'm sorry, but I think your parents were doing the right thing. You stepped in and 'saved' her and now you're facing the same things your parents had to deal with.

While you facilitate her lazy lifestyle, she won't have to change, will she?

Is she getting any help for her illness? That prob needs to be the first thing to sort. Then the jobseekers thing so she can contribute to the home.

Then you need to sit her down with a list of rules and jobs that SHE needs to do around the house to 'earn' her place in your home. And a stark warning that if she doesn't stick by the rules she is OUT.

Oh - and you need custy!

As she's 17 she is not automatically eligible for JSA. She will need to claim JSA under "severe hardship" regulations. This will consist of you basically having to tell the Jobcentre that she will be evicted if you don't get rent from her. Your parents will also have to confirm that they are unwilling to have her back in their house.

Your sister should contact the Jobcentre and ask for an appointment to claim "JSA Under 18 Severe Hardship". If you can go with her this will help as the adviser can confirm your requirements "from the horse's mouth", so to speak. Your sis will also have to register with the local Careers Service and attend all interviews with them in order to keep her payments coming.

Good luck.

OMG have just logged onto my sisters laptop instead of using my pc, which she is fine about....but it automatically signed me in on her msn....one of her 'friends' asked 'is your sis there i wanna see your tits again'....so i was really upset she's using her cam to show lads she doesn't really know herself, when she's actually got a bf. then it upset me so much i looked on message history, and saw she'd been saying how much she hates me and everything, and then she went on to have 'cyber sex' with him and using her webcam.....i'm now really upset!! and to top it off when i was on i looked at message history for her bf and she was telling him to come round in the middle of the night for sex, and talked about going out for a drive....without my say so. with her illness i have limited her to one visit a week.....and i've found she's been getting money from somewhere but not found out yet.....i'm busting my ass trying to get a job to keep her (applied for 2 jobs yesterday) and she's slagging me off and going behind my back!! without me she'd have been in a hostel place!! i feel so angry but dont know what to do!!!

Ouch, what a mess.

I'm not sure snooping is a great idea, but the whole situation is pretty complicated and difficult.

Your sister needs some sort of counselling I think - maybe she should start with her GP?

I know snooping was wrong!! thats why i dont want to confront her....but i cant hide what i've seen and read from my DH as its upset me so much, and he'll want me to confront her!!

I am trying my damned hardest to help her get GP appointments and get herself signed o and looking for a job....but now i feel i've been doing it all for nothing!! I feel she doesn't appreciate what we've sacrificed for her!! we are not comfortable in our own home for having her here!!......

is kleptomania really an illness then?
if though wouldn't she be eligible for disability allowance?
is she under medical care?
I don't think it's very practical to keep her with you 24 hours a day and the whole Internet/ex with her bf thing surely is par for the course for a teenager.
It's not illegal to have sex at 17.
I think you need to get some proper advice - both financial and parental. What about social services?

Don't even think of getting a job to support her. It's not your role. You are offering her a good home and your love and support, that is loads.

She is taking advantage big time. She has an illness ok, but it doesn't mean she cannot earn her keep around the house. You have to sit her down and make it clear to her how bad an effect this is having on your family, and work out a realistic solution.

You sound like a fantastic siter by-the-way.

SISTER, not siter of course

how did it go on Friday when she went to the job centre?

Thanks...i'm sat in tears here, have just re-read the part where she was slagging me off, she's actually said 'she's really pissing me off, i hate her so much'......i just cant believe she'd say that after what we've done for her!!

She will have massive trouble finding a new job because of the grounds of why she was dimissed from her last job, revolves around trust, and money etc....and not a lot of employers like to give someone who is 'unreliable' around money. So me getting a job and her signing on is our only option at the moment.

I know its not illegal for her to be having sex, and thats not my problem, its that she's arranging for her bf to come round here to have sex with him once me and DH are in bed!!! which to me says they are at it on my couch in the middle of the night!!

she didn't end up going, it was my dads birthday and so i was going there between taking and collecting DS from nursery, and i ahd a few errands to amke in the morning....i said as she will need to sign on on grounds of hardship it might be best if i attend too, so i will be taking her on monday while DH is off to look after the DC's

it sounds incedibly hard for you.
I know it will be very difficult but all the I hate her stuff - you have to develop a thick skin around teenagers. Remember how much our parents annoyed us at this age? It doesn't mean anything in the long run.

I wonder if Custy is around?
She is very good with teenagers...

CUSTY?????? sounds like i need your help!!!!

I think her being a teenager makes it 10x harder for me....i'm not used to a teenager, i was lucky to miss it as i left home before i would have got to this stage, so had to grow up VERY quickly.....so all this laziness and negative feeings from her doesn't seem normal to me!! plus i'm not years older than her so she'll respect em for that, I am 5 years older than her....even if it does feel like 15!!

I dont mean to be rude but when is it going to end for you are you going to have her to live with you forever because she cant be trusted with money

And are you going to only let her go out alone once a week forever

I think you need help with what ever her illness is if you have to look after her this much it should be carers allowance you get not a job and she should claim DLA

If she steals things and cant stop doesnt she need counseling or help to try to stop

sorry my ,,,,,,, button works again now

When she did it last my mum took her to their GP and they said there was nothing they could do, then she has done it again and it was much worse, invloving police etc... so i ahve changed her GP to mine and am just waiting for her to be on their records (expected next week) then getting her in there so they will refer her to a councellor.

I'm not going to restrict her to 1 trip out with her bf a week forever, but at the moment me and DH agreed the less she goes out the better we can control her invlovment with money etc until she i getting the right help, she knows the amount will be increased as behaviour is improved etc.

Me and DH have agreed she can stay for 6mths, and my parents have said if at the end of that time she has changed and is seeking the right help etc then they will consider taking her back home.

I dont have a clue what we'd be entitled to help keep her in food and clothes, but we are going to the jobcentre to see what they think, and i am going to seek help from citizens advise.

you are only 5 years older? so 23?
You have taken on a lot!!

If the Dr thinks she needs all this care you should be entitled to something

you have taken on a lot and I admire you for standing by your sister

i'm very nearly 23 yes, i have 2 young kids myself (3.2yo and 23mo) and i just didn't want to see her homeless!!!