to want to kick my sister out already????

[glaskham]

ok....my 17 year old sister is living with me, DH and our 2 DC. She was going to be kicked out of home and have to live in a youth hostel sort of place...me and DH didn't want her going to one of them places, she's got an illness that is very hard, but it makes my parents feel they cant do anything with her.....but saying that they didn't try, they swanned off to their holiday home and left her alone at home for over a week just because 'she'd been ok for a few weeks' (as my mum said to me)

Well we brought her in nearly 4 weeks ago now and i'm starting to regret it.... she's not done anything bad because of her illness as i've been doing ym best to try and confine her to the house, and i take her everywhere with me as if she was a toddler....but i'm not used to having a lazy teenager in the house. she's not working and is here all day everyday sat on her laptop....is it unfair of me to confiscate it because i want her to do more round the house to help pay her way?....if she doesn't get a job soon i will ahve to get a part time job to pay her way, and i'm a SAHM because me and DH want me to be and can cope on our income.....with an extra mouth to feed and put a roof over her head- she's costing us loads in electric leaving lights on etc and constantly leaving her laptop on....costing us an extra £15 in 4 weeks so far....god knows about the phone bill as everytime i turn my back it seems she's phoned someone!!!.....i'm at the end of my tether!!!

i dont want to give up on her becuase i took her in to help her in the way my parents refused to acknowledge she needed....but if i dotn sort it then i'm going to bottle it up so much that i'll loose it and kick her out for her sheer laziness.... she hasn't even gone to sort out getting jobseekers, and ahsn't even glanced at the jobs pages in the paper even though i keep circling them and handing it to her!!!

I dont know what to do.....i want to get her back to how she was the first week...i made a rota of what jobs she had to do on what day (to ease my workload of housework and also have the house even more sparkley) but now i'm having to ask her all day to do things.....she left pots there for over 2 days till she washed them....and that was the second time she'd done that so i refused to wash them (lucky i have spare pans eh!!)

she sleeps in bed till 10-11am each morning, she doesn't even wake up when the kids jump on her!!! and i ahve to shout her loads of times before i get an answer!!!

so advice....i need to know what i can do to get this lazy teen out of her pit and working more to pay her way.....if she did all the housework i ask of her i wouldn't mind getting a little job to pay for her, but at the moment i worry what my house would look like if i was at work!!!

HELP ME PLEASE!!!!!

the other thing is your kids. what are they seeing and feeling?
they will undoubtably feel atmosphere and will feel when things are not right in thier own little home, surely??

i have been in a very very similar situation myself and i dont mind telling you that it was the most stressful time in my life.
things got much much much worse, beyond my control and kind intents to cope with.

i feel for you really i do, it is very difficult and you are torn in several seemingly impossible direction all coated in guilt with a huge capital G.

You said that you'll give her 6 months and then if she's changed, your parents will consider taking her back. What if they don't want to?

Also, could you ask your parents for help towards her upkeep? You're helping them by having her.

my kids are very young still, and love my sister to bits, there is no negative atmosphere around them!! but i do know they are aware of something....DS has completely changed his sleeping pattern, and funny with food sometimes....

DD seems fine exept is getting woken by DS and then being cranky in the day!! I will not let my sister compromise my mothering and how much i tend to my children!!

from reading the op, you cant kick her out.

im not for one moment saying that Glaskam, you sound like a lovely lovely caring mum who want to do right for to many eople. please dont think that is what i meant, not at all.

I would be concerned about how things would get if the situation doesnt get any better thats all. I was thinking ahead.
For me in my situation, my 17 year old discovered night clubs and drinking over the months.
coming in at all hours etc.

I am prepared to help her find youth hostel sort of place (we have 2 in the local area) where she'd be given a flat and given the right help and support....but mum has said she wants her home as she realises she could have done more for her than she did....but dad is still not wanting anything to do with her. I am not putting my life and family into this position for any longer than i agreed with DH!! at the end of the day it is worse for him as he's working to keep us as a family and my sister!!

my parents have agreed to help where they can but i dont want to feel like i have to count on them....i feel she should sign on for her keep at least!!....and i suppose if i can get a job then thats a couple of hundred £ a month extra to help....which she wont cost that much.....so we'd be in a better position for having her here to look after the kids while i'm working a few hours a day.....

oh i didn't think you were implying anything negative towards my parenting!!! I just wanted to make clear that this is only, and always will be, a temporary arrangment!! and if i noticed my kids were not getting what they want and need because she's here then there'd be no question to her moving out....

Just if we can have here here and help her without the need for her to live in a drug filled place like one of these homeless hostels then i'd prefer to do that!!

Its your parents that need a kick up the pants. You just cant abandon your teenage children and its fairly easy to stop someone nicking your money.

Send her back home to her parents. Admit your mistake, say you will never interfere again. Really, she is not your problem.

Send her back home to her parents. Admit your mistake, say you will never interfere again. Really, she is not your problem.

Sorry, this is your parents' responsibility, this will cost your young family too much.

Who's paying for her broadband connection?

Not fair of your parents to lay this on you.

I understand that you want to do what is best for your sister.

Well, your sister does not want to be with you, she has been abandoned by her parents, taken from her home, she needs the stability of being in her own home and for her parents to take care of her.

Your job is NOT with this young girl. She will fail to show any gratitude, there is nothing to be grateful for, from her perspective, she has landed in a situation where she is in a young family, with noisy kids, excpeted to do a hell of a lot more than she possibly would do in regards to chores in her own home (2 other grown ups as opposed to 2 other grownups and to little kids). This must be a nightmare for her! You seem to fail to see it from her side at all, you bang on about all her shortcomings, show her NO trust by dragging her around everywhere you go, allow her no life. What an atmosphere for a 17 year old girl! Get her home!

As for dragging her to jobcentres, did you ever ask if she wanted further study? You seem to focus on what YOU as a familiy need (for her to find a job and help with chores) and what you expect from her, not what she can expect in return. She is 17 years old, with her whole life ahead of her, she may have dreams and ambitions you know nothing of, have you sat down and explored with her what she could possibly do?

Your job is with your parents, help them see what they need to do with her.
Then be a sister to her, that is what your role is.

Sorry, having a blunt morning.

Would add to this that I'm not sure why you think your sister can be trusted to look after your 2 DCs - do you trust her to look after them and not just get her mates round or get on her laptop?

Seriously, send her home. Not your problem but you are making it so, and upsetting your DH and DCs.

Quintessentialshadow- I had spoken to my sister and she is considering further study, she was in a job within childcare which is what she wanted to do, but she lost her job and now has a criminal record which means her CRB isn't clear so she can no longer work with children....she is contacting the police with regards to a course they can send her on that includes some councelling.

she has no friends (she lost the only ones she had from what she did invloving loosing her job), her bf works full-time and she has no money to do anything!! My parents were going to send her to a homeless refuge place and i took her in out of hope for helping her!!

Glaskam, I know, you have the best intentions, but I think she is in such position (and given her age and maturity) she will not be appreciative. There is soooo many responsibilities for her. She has fucked up big time, hasnt she?! It is hard for a sister to taken on parenting responsibilities of a teenager where the parents have given up.

By all means, be a good sister, help her through the practical, but she needs to be home. Dont let your parents wash their hands off her, and send her off like she is some invaluable parcel or piece of turd. SHe is not, she is a young woman who has screwed up and needs help and support. And help your parents too. I think you should all sit down as adults, you and your dh, your mum and dad and your sister and talk about what you can all do to help improver her situation, her chance of study, and a job, etc.

Sadly you are not able to help her properly. You can;t confine her to the house and treat her like an infant forever: this will not help anyone. If she is kleptomanic (rather than just light-fingered like quite a lot of teens) she should be getting some sort of treatment for it, or at least some kind of young offenders' programme. Have you tried asking at the CAB on her behalf?

Oh, and as for the cybersex and the webcam, dont mention it. It will be a serious intrution on her private space. Having sex, whether cyber or with a real person there, is very private, and mentioning it to her will not just be snooping, it will be like walking in on her having sex, and staying to watch the performance. (Seing as you could read and reread....) You will just ruin your chances of being able to help her.

I think you have taken on a huge responsibility and understand your loyalty to your sister but she can't be your problem forever - you have your own family to think about now. I would tell your parents that you can't continue and ask for them to take her back for one or two weeks on the condition that she changes her ways. If she doesn't and they kick her out to a youth hostel then so be it. There's nothing more you can do. She is old enough to take care of herself and she needs to learn how to do that. Having someone to rely on all the time isn't really healthy. The fact that she has slagged you off means that she doesn't appreciate anyting that you have done for her and inviting her bf round when your children are in the house for sex is totally inappropriate. She needs to grow up - illness or not. My parents were constantly defefending my younger brother and paying off his debts, court fines etc - he could do no wrong yet they kicked me out when I was a teenager - he is now 33 and still living at home totally unable to look after himself. Don't think that this is a short term problem - it's not and you have got to put yourself and your own family first. Good luck