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AIBU?

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Original poster

Awkward situation with friend owing me money

52 replies

bagpuss90 · 22/09/2023 11:10

i made a donation on behalf of a friend to a nominated charity following her family members death. She doesn’t do anything online - which is why I did it for her . So she’s never repaid me . She said she gave me 100 quid cash. No one ever gives me cash these days . 100% I would have remembered it . I absolutely know she’s never given it back. It’s now a really awkward situation. I think it’s not just about the money- it was her family member and there was nothing given by her in his memory . I might add Im self employed and not in a position to lose 100 quid right now. I don’t want to fall out with her but it’s really awkward. Any ideas ? Or just a lesson learnt

OP posts:
pyjamalife · 22/09/2023 11:11

Hi friend, just wondering when you'll be able to give me the 100 from your donation?

olderbutwiser · 22/09/2023 11:15

Do you think she genuinely thinks she has paid you back; or do you think she is trying to get out of paying you back?

Original poster
bagpuss90 · 22/09/2023 11:20

I’m not sure

OP posts:
BabaPixi · 22/09/2023 11:21

Was it close family to her? No excuses but her head could be battered and grief can make you so forgetful. No ideas unfortunately as there's no way to prove it, it would leave a very sour taste for me though.

Original poster
bagpuss90 · 22/09/2023 11:22

She said she took it out to pay me - I suggested she checks if she took 100 quid out around that tIme. It’d be a starting point

OP posts:
BrawnWild · 22/09/2023 11:24

Then I'd start by saying one of you has a terrible memory and needs a doctor so can she show you proof of the transaction to put both your minds at rest. Do it via text if possible.

QuestionableMouse · 22/09/2023 11:25

I agree to do everything in writing. You're going to have to be blunt and accept that this friendship is probably going to be over. Might be a shit thing to do but could you ask the charity to refund it?

Serenity45 · 22/09/2023 11:25

"I'm not sure who you took the money out for, but it definitely wasn't me! If you could drop it round ASAP I would appreciate it"

SummerInSun · 22/09/2023 11:26

I think you have to be firm here "sorry friend, but I am absolutely sure you have not paid me back. And as you don't remember where or when you gave me the money, seems likely you are confusing your intention to pay me with actually paying me. Although X is a very worthy cause and I wish I had more money to give to worthy charities, I'm just not in a position to make a donation of that size at the moment. I'd be grateful if you could please have the cash for me when we next meet at X."

Testina · 22/09/2023 11:26

When did this happen?
Sounds like a while ago.

I can understand (just) that you might do an online transaction to help a friend, but not why they wouldn’t give you the cash immediately.

By waiting, you’ve left yourself wide open to her lying that she paid you.

Why don’t you want to fall out with her?
I’d say that £100 stolen is a perfectly good reason for falling out.
I’d give her one chance. Show her you’re not an idiot and politely but firmly say, “no, you’re mistaken, you didn’t pay me back”. Keep it simple, don’t start anything about, “I’d remember because…”

Then, if she hard balls, you’ve lost your money - and if I were you I’d count it as £100 spent on knowing who not to waste your time on in future. One silver lining is at least you know your stolen money has done sone good - not lined her pocket.

Birch101 · 22/09/2023 11:26

If that was me I'd be mortified I hadn't paid a friend back, sounds like she is suggesting she took the money out and hasn't said oh lord I never gave it to you, it's an envelope on the side I'm sorry etc which would suggest she is intending to pay you

£100 is a lot of money to forget to pay someone.
I hope she pays you back and it is truly a mind fog of grief

ManateeFair · 22/09/2023 11:26

pyjamalife · 22/09/2023 11:11

Hi friend, just wondering when you'll be able to give me the 100 from your donation?

If you read the OP's post, the OP has already asked for the money and her friend has claimed she already gave it to her.

Serenity45 · 22/09/2023 11:27

Most charities would absolutely refund in this type of situation (I've worked for a few, both large and small).

Original poster
bagpuss90 · 22/09/2023 11:30

I only left it a week or two before I chased he for it . It happened in July . Ive been trying to be nice ( maybe too nice ) because of her bereavement

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 22/09/2023 11:35

That really is awkward. If she’s refusing to pay you (perhaps she can’t afford to?) then you’ll need to write it off. I appreciate you say you can’t afford to lose it but it’s already gone (in July) so you ‘lost’ it then - what you mean is you don’t want to write it off because it’s a lot of money to lose. Which it is. Next time get cash up front for anything like this.

Tumbler2121 · 22/09/2023 11:36

In light of what others have said above, think you should tell your friend that you are asking the charity for it back as it was sent in the name of xxx based on the promise of reimbursement.

Testina · 22/09/2023 11:38

Well, it sounds like you can afford to lose it - though you shouldn’t have to.
So you asked for it in July and they presumably replied that they’d sort it?
And you’ve waited 2 months before asking again, and now they’ve replied saying they already gave it to you?
The only thing to do is hardball and say no, you didn’t.

NoSquirrels · 22/09/2023 11:44

Do you think it’s that she’s trying not to pay you, or do you think it’s that she genuinely thinks she has? What is she usually like with money etc?

spuddel · 22/09/2023 11:55

Nicely tell her you know grief can play havoc on memory, you understand it's been a difficult time but she definitely still owes you the money.

mcmooberry · 22/09/2023 12:00

I have had awkward conversations about people owing me money before and I make it my policy to be friendly and factual but not be apologetic at all as they are the ones who haven't paid.

I would say something like "Hi friend, please can you check your bank statement as I am absolutely certain that you didn't refund me the £100 I paid to X charity. Was happy to help at this awful time and obvs didn't want to keep chasing you for it, but I do need it back now."

Unfortunately if she took the money out and just spent it as she may well have done if she uses cash a lot, you may end up at an impasse.

Original poster
bagpuss90 · 22/09/2023 12:09

Testina
I really can’t

OP posts:
Original poster
bagpuss90 · 22/09/2023 12:11

Also as I said she gave nothing in her loved ones memory

OP posts:
QuestionableMouse · 22/09/2023 12:16

bagpuss90 · 22/09/2023 12:11

Also as I said she gave nothing in her loved ones memory

Honestly?

That's not your problem. If she was that bothered, she'd had made a smaller donation herself.

You're being daft and wet.

mcmooberry · 22/09/2023 12:18

Actually now I have read it, I think @SummerInSun 's message would be perfect.

Mrsttcno1 · 22/09/2023 12:21

I agree with others that checking for cash transactions could be a good idea, but ultimately if they have proof of that, or of any amount cash withdrawal really as could easily say I withdrew £x and had £x in the house (My dad for example, literally always has cash in the house/in his wallet so he wouldn’t necessarily need to take £100 out to do this), then you’re probably just going to have to chalk it up as a lesson learned because if they are adamant they gave you it, and you’re adamant they didn’t, there’s nothing left to do

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