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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How do I stop kind elderly neighbour giving ds sweets?

45 replies

Sweetieban · 22/09/2023 10:31

We live next door to a very sweet older lady. We live on a street where kids play outside on their own. The lady has a great grandchild who also plays sometimes. Lovely kid.

This neighbour gives sweets to all the kids on the streets every day. I’m talking lolly pops and packets of popping candy. She has a mix tub of them that she gives them on the daily.

DS has ADHD and part of it means that he shouldn’t be eating stuff like that.

I have told him he’s not allowed, but he takes them and eats them in secret (not so secret as I find the packets in his pockets when I wash his clothes!). I don’t want to shout at him about it constantly (he’s seven) and I don’t want to single him out on the street.

But I can’t imagine other parents are delighted about the daily bundle of utter shit that their kids are eating either.

I’m also quite anti UPF. Quite apart from the fact that it’s terrible for his teeth!

How do I get it to stop?! I want to ask her, but how?

YABU - leave it alone

YANBU - it’s really unhealthy and has to stop

OP posts:
Original poster
Sweetieban · 22/09/2023 10:47

Bump!

OP posts:
viques · 22/09/2023 10:55

You have to tell her. Old people aren’t stupid, she probably thinks no one minds since no one has said anything. Ask her if she would limit the sweeties to one day a week for all the children, explain that your son knows he shouldn’t be eating many sweets because of his condition but it is very hard for him to say no when other children are getting them. Then explain to your son that as he is only having the sweets once a week he doesn’t have to hide them from you.

angsanana · 22/09/2023 10:57

You just need to tell her straight. And tell your DS to say no if offered.

SalmonBelongInTheWater · 22/09/2023 10:59

Just tell her? That's really bad she's doing it without checking with parents. Could be kids with allergies, dietary requirements, veggie or vegan kids, kids who don't eat pork, most jelly sweets have gelatine in. I couldn't not say something.

CurlewKate · 22/09/2023 11:14

@viques "Old people aren’t stupid,

Good to know!

Blondeshavemorefun · 22/09/2023 11:26

Solution. Watch him play outside and when she comes out say no

I wouldn't let my 6yr play in the road alone

Original poster
Sweetieban · 22/09/2023 12:38

He’s seven, and there’s always at least one parent out there - some others who watch, sometimes I do. We live on a cul-de-sac with lots of children aged 0-9 ish. They’re out there playing hopscotch / roller skating / skipping etc every night. It’s lovely - an absolute dream. (Better than watching telly!) But too much for all of us to stand there the whole time. I’d never get dinner made etc!

They ring on her bell and ask for them when she doesn’t come out and offer (he is 100% not allowed to do this). She likes it, which is why I feel embarrassed to ask her to stop. Don’t want to take that away from her!

For those saying tell her to stop - how do I do it gently? and you’re right on the gelatine - hadn’t thought of that. While he doesn’t have any dietary requirements, I’m veggie (he’s not) and honestly don’t love the idea of all that gelatine, either.

OP posts:
Severntrent · 22/09/2023 12:41

Not sure what to do, but it sounds a brilliant place to live!

cromwell44 · 22/09/2023 12:48

So the parents are supervsing and allowing the kids to ring on her doorbell? Perhaps they need to take responsibility for their own children.

IncompleteSenten · 22/09/2023 12:55

Ask her to stop. If you want to avoid awkwardness then lie your arse off. Blame the dentist. Say dentist said sweets and snacks must stop because they're affecting your child's teeth and you are concerned.

NooNakedJacuzziness · 22/09/2023 12:57

Someone needs to tell the kids not to knock and ask for them!

Bellaboo01 · 22/09/2023 13:03

As you have a 7 year old who is playing outside, i assume that you are either watching him or a responsible person is watching him? In that case - they need to be told not to knock on the door of the elderly lady or whoever is in charge of the kids outside, then they/you need to step in and tell the kids to stop.

oakleaffy · 22/09/2023 13:16

Severntrent · 22/09/2023 12:41

Not sure what to do, but it sounds a brilliant place to live!

It sounds like my far off childhood ( Alisa Ave, Twickenham) it was a safe U shaped road that joined Gordon Ave
It was wonderful- so safe feeling , and no through traffic.
All the kids played out- I really was sad when parents left for a bigger house near Richmond Park where NO kids played out.

I still dream of Alisa Ave sometimes.
Crazy.

Edit: Very rarely an elder lady neighbour gave us a boiled sweet- at Christmas- but sweets weren’t such.a thing then.

Frabbits · 22/09/2023 13:20

Just go round there and ask her to stop....? It really doesn't warrant any more thought than that.

Natsku · 22/09/2023 13:25

Just tell her (politely, obviously). The neighbour across the road gave DS a lollipop, I just told her he's not allowed them and she said ok. No more lollipops. (still gives him plenty of other food though, I just said no to sweets but I don't mind if she feeds him roast carrots and he actually eats them Grin)

Oblomov23 · 22/09/2023 13:28

Why are the other parents letting their kids ring her doorbell every day? That's not on at all!

SchadenfreudeIstMeinMittelname · 22/09/2023 13:32

Sweetieban · 22/09/2023 12:38

He’s seven, and there’s always at least one parent out there - some others who watch, sometimes I do. We live on a cul-de-sac with lots of children aged 0-9 ish. They’re out there playing hopscotch / roller skating / skipping etc every night. It’s lovely - an absolute dream. (Better than watching telly!) But too much for all of us to stand there the whole time. I’d never get dinner made etc!

They ring on her bell and ask for them when she doesn’t come out and offer (he is 100% not allowed to do this). She likes it, which is why I feel embarrassed to ask her to stop. Don’t want to take that away from her!

For those saying tell her to stop - how do I do it gently? and you’re right on the gelatine - hadn’t thought of that. While he doesn’t have any dietary requirements, I’m veggie (he’s not) and honestly don’t love the idea of all that gelatine, either.

I doubt very much that she actually likes being harassed in this manner. You and the other parents need to tell your kids it's not on.

Fallingthroughclouds · 22/09/2023 13:33

@Sweetieban "How do I get it to stop?! I want to ask her, but how?"

Really? You walk up to her, open you mouth and words come out that explain the situation.

floppybit · 22/09/2023 13:33

Just coming on to say I wish I'd raised my kids in your street, sounds fab! (No help with the sweets though)

CherryMaDeara · 22/09/2023 13:35

Blame it on the dentist.

ManchesterGirl2 · 22/09/2023 13:35

SchadenfreudeIstMeinMittelname · 22/09/2023 13:32

I doubt very much that she actually likes being harassed in this manner. You and the other parents need to tell your kids it's not on.

Show quote history

I can completely believe that she likes it. If she's a bit lonely or bored, and has plenty of money for sweets, she might find it a nice way to connect with the kids in the neighborhood and spread some joy. A bit like some people enjoy feeding stray cats 😁

cadburyegg · 22/09/2023 13:38

Op your post is a bit misleading because now it transpires that the kids knock on her door and ask! That's entirely different from her just coming out of her own accord.

I think you need to be supervising your child more closely tbh

coxesorangepippin · 22/09/2023 13:38

You have to tell her.

I HATE this attitude of people giving kids sweets and thinking they'll like them for it!!

PenhillDarkMonarch · 22/09/2023 13:40

If you don't want him to have the sweets, don't want to ask the supervising parent to stop the kids asking for sweets and don't want to tell the lady to stop giving out sweets then I am not sure there is an easy answer.

Does your child value money? Can you offer to buy the sweets off him if he brings them home and gives them to you - perhaps help him see how that could add to to a toy he really wants?

He may not 'sell' you the sweet everytime but maybe enough that it cuts down his consumption?

FrustratedMumofBoys · 22/09/2023 13:44

I would give her a multipack of chocolate buttons to offer my children instead. Thank her for being so generous. I love that my children are able to build relationships with older people. My elderly neighbours do the same for my boys when I do their shopping for them. I just explained that I like to limit their sugar and chocolate is much better for them and their teeth than sweets. I said I'd provide them so they aren't out of pocket but they apologised and said they'd be very happy to give them alternatives.