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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

How do I stop kind elderly neighbour giving ds sweets?

45 replies

Sweetieban · 22/09/2023 10:31

We live next door to a very sweet older lady. We live on a street where kids play outside on their own. The lady has a great grandchild who also plays sometimes. Lovely kid.

This neighbour gives sweets to all the kids on the streets every day. I’m talking lolly pops and packets of popping candy. She has a mix tub of them that she gives them on the daily.

DS has ADHD and part of it means that he shouldn’t be eating stuff like that.

I have told him he’s not allowed, but he takes them and eats them in secret (not so secret as I find the packets in his pockets when I wash his clothes!). I don’t want to shout at him about it constantly (he’s seven) and I don’t want to single him out on the street.

But I can’t imagine other parents are delighted about the daily bundle of utter shit that their kids are eating either.

I’m also quite anti UPF. Quite apart from the fact that it’s terrible for his teeth!

How do I get it to stop?! I want to ask her, but how?

YABU - leave it alone

YANBU - it’s really unhealthy and has to stop

OP posts:

ManchesterGirl2 · 22/09/2023 13:51

FrustratedMumofBoys · 22/09/2023 13:44

I would give her a multipack of chocolate buttons to offer my children instead. Thank her for being so generous. I love that my children are able to build relationships with older people. My elderly neighbours do the same for my boys when I do their shopping for them. I just explained that I like to limit their sugar and chocolate is much better for them and their teeth than sweets. I said I'd provide them so they aren't out of pocket but they apologised and said they'd be very happy to give them alternatives.

Is chocolate really much better for teeth than sweets? It's still 50% sugar.

iatealltheminieggs · 22/09/2023 14:01

If she is as lovely as you say, then just explain to her. Perhaps you can come up with an alternative together? If kids are knocking her door specifically for sweets though, that is cheeky.

My elderly neighbour is a retired primary school teacher and gives my DDs textbooks from the 1990s that smell of mothballs.

Frabbits · 22/09/2023 14:01

All these suggestions around lying or suggesting she give out chocolates instead - why?

Have people just lost the ability to communicate?

Just go round, say "thanks very much, but I'd rather you didn't give my kids sweets".

Speedweed · 22/09/2023 14:06

IncompleteSenten · 22/09/2023 12:55

Ask her to stop. If you want to avoid awkwardness then lie your arse off. Blame the dentist. Say dentist said sweets and snacks must stop because they're affecting your child's teeth and you are concerned.

I think this. Ask her to offer sweets less often, or suggest better sweets (or even fruit! Maybe even crisps?). You could also say it's spoiling his appetite for his meals.

Perhaps get together with some of the other parents to talk to her, so she knows everyone feels the same? Perhaps also get all the parents to tell their kids they are not to knock on her door and beg for sweets, only let her offer them?

It's a nice thing to do, but too often is no good.

Original poster

Sweetieban · 22/09/2023 18:22

cadburyegg · 22/09/2023 13:38

Op your post is a bit misleading because now it transpires that the kids knock on her door and ask! That's entirely different from her just coming out of her own accord.

I think you need to be supervising your child more closely tbh

It’s both. Very much mostly her, if she sees them. But they ring her bell if she doesn’t offer them that day. Ds is not allowed to do this - but when she comes out and I’m not looking, he obviously gets them as I find sweet wrappers in his pockets!

I really don’t think she feels harassed. I truly think she likes it otherwise she wouldn’t keep buying them.

OP posts:

Original poster

Sweetieban · 22/09/2023 18:25

I like this idea. To let it only be once a week and that the children know not to ring her doorbell and ask. I don’t want to be the party pooper - but honestly, no kid needs that many sweets!!!

OP posts:

Original poster

Sweetieban · 22/09/2023 18:27

oakleaffy · 22/09/2023 13:16

It sounds like my far off childhood ( Alisa Ave, Twickenham) it was a safe U shaped road that joined Gordon Ave
It was wonderful- so safe feeling , and no through traffic.
All the kids played out- I really was sad when parents left for a bigger house near Richmond Park where NO kids played out.

I still dream of Alisa Ave sometimes.
Crazy.

Edit: Very rarely an elder lady neighbour gave us a boiled sweet- at Christmas- but sweets weren’t such.a thing then.

Edited

Show quote history

I had a very similar childhood and really wanted the same for DS! I didn’t know if I’d find it. It really is a lovely way to be a child!

(We’re not that far from Twickenham!)

OP posts:

Butteredtoast55 · 22/09/2023 18:31

I wouldn't involve other parents. Just talk to her and say it's a kind thing to do but your DS can't have sugary stuff because of his ADHD, and you know he's not going to say no if it's offered.

ScribblingPixie · 22/09/2023 18:35

Not a very nice idea to involve other parents. You don't want your neighbour giving your child sweets and want her to stop doing it, fair enough, but that's the only part that's any of your business.

CurlewKate · 22/09/2023 18:41

Two things. Why have you said how old she is? And ffs, don't gang up on her! Imagine how shit she'd feel then. Is there anything that your son could have that you could give her to give him? Might that work?

MsChatterbox · 22/09/2023 18:43

I think if you're happy to share the ADHD diagnosis with her then she will be more than understanding. I can't see her being offended. You could offer to provide her with some low sugar healthier treats that she offers to your son.

CherryMaDeara · 22/09/2023 18:44

CurlewKate · 22/09/2023 18:41

I can't where OP has said her age. Sje just said 'We live next door to a very sweet older lady', nowt wrong with that.

TheShellBeach · 22/09/2023 18:50

Tell her he's diabetic.

Luxell934 · 22/09/2023 18:50

I think you need to be supervising your child then if you don’t want him to have any sweets. If you’re not supervising him outside then it’s unreasonable for him not to take the sweets if everyone else is.

Even if you tell her no sweets for your child you can’t dictate what she gives to other children and then your child will be left out.

Blondeshavemorefun · 22/09/2023 19:55

Equally at7 he is capable of listening to you and if you say no sweets he listens and obeys or doesn't play outside /some kind of other punishment

Or say to old lady one night a week

CurlewKate · 22/09/2023 20:03

@CherryMaDeara "I can't where OP has said her age. Sje just said 'We live next door to a very sweet older lady', nowt wrong with that."
Why is it relevant?

FictionalCharacter · 22/09/2023 20:10

@ManchesterGirl2 Chocolate isn't as bad, because the sugar is gone from the mouth more quickly.

oakleaffy · 22/09/2023 20:16

Sweetieban · 22/09/2023 18:27

I had a very similar childhood and really wanted the same for DS! I didn’t know if I’d find it. It really is a lovely way to be a child!

(We’re not that far from Twickenham!)

Show quote history

Oh it is a lovely area !
Sadly I don’t think those areas exist as much now- tends to be on streets with no through traffic.
The nostalgia I feel is almost painful for those simpler days.
Far more traffic on roads and a lot more “ Stranger Danger”.
We were never allowed to go into anyone’s house though- without asking parents first, and there were strict curfews and we had to be quiet- But hopscotch and skipping, hobby horses and bikes - great fun.

Noodles1234 · 24/09/2023 21:13

Your issue aside, sounds a wonderful place to live and what most people would find so sweet.

I think be polite as their generation this would be seen as polite and friendly.

just mention he cannot eat these things as causes him internal digestion issues. If there is one sweet he can eat maybe ask he is only allowed this one.

my kids would love this neighbour and better than the s@“t sandwich we live between.

GreenFields07 · 24/09/2023 21:18

Do you know that the other parents have a problem with it? Maybe they dont care, in which case I don't really think its fair to ask the lady to stop or limit to one day. Why are we not addressing that your child isnt doing as hes told, as a parent surely its up to you to make sure your child listens to you and doesnt take the sweets if youre saying not to. Personally, id start there. It shouldnt be an issue for someone to hand out sweets to children if all their parents dont have a problem with it either. Its on you to teach your child to follow your rules and if necessary to discipline if they arent doing as they're told. Dont spoil it for everyone else is my opinion. My kids have a small amount of sweets or chocolate most days, I must be a terrible parent. Its not going to kill them. Cant you just let him enjoy a small amount of sweets, or if not, take responsibility and be outside to stop him getting hold of them

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