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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Not to be there when someone dies

33 replies

MoonshineandMagic · 22/09/2023 09:25

A close family member is very near the end. I’ve visited regularly and saw them yesterday although I’m not sure they were aware and I feel I’ve made my peace with it if that makes sense.

I know it’s going to happen soon but I don’t want to be there or see them again, I can’t explain why but it makes me feel weak and a coward. They have someone they love with them.

Can anyone understand? I don’t want to regret not being able to do that for them in years to come.

OP posts:

Sirzy · 22/09/2023 09:26

They know they matter to you, they are cared for. Do what makes the coming days/weeks easier for you.

Discwriter · 22/09/2023 09:28

I'm going through the same OP :( I feel like a massive coward as everyone is asking me when I'll go back again and I don't want to.

minipie · 22/09/2023 09:28

If the person who is there with them is ok with taking that role, and doesn’t need company/respite, then I think it’s ok that you do what’s best for you.

HeddaGarbled · 22/09/2023 09:36

I think this the-world-and-his-wife-sitting-round-the-deathbed thing is getting out of control, probably fuelled by films and TV. It’s not a performance. You’ve done what you need to. It’s OK to let them go with dignity and privacy and with just the one special person there, if that’s the way it works out.

CorylusAgain · 22/09/2023 09:37

Having lost both parents I can tell you that close family members dealt with the whole process of their deaths in their own way. From visiting close to death, being there at the time and wanting to see them after death. Each of us did what felt right and no one felt judged nor made any judgement. We ensured everything was in place for each parent at the time but accepted the different roles played by each other
You are not doing anything wrong. And I'm sure you will be there for mutual support with the other loved one who is with them.

Allthecatseverywhereallatonce · 22/09/2023 09:40

You are not weak or a coward you need to do what feels right. As a nurse I have been with lots of people at the end, and seen a variety of relatives and they all do different things.
Look after yourself.

FiveShelties · 22/09/2023 09:41

You have to do what s right for you. My Mum died in May and had always said she did not want me sitting around watching her die. I was with her in the afternoon/evening , went home and she died then. I wonder if she was waiting for me leave!

I have no regrets about not being there.

junebirthdaygirl · 22/09/2023 09:58

Some of my family live overseas and they couldn't stay here every day sitting with either of my parents waiting for their final moments. They came, had their time and flew back totally at peace that they knew what was ahead but happy with their own way of dealing with it. They returned for the funerals.
Nobody passed one comment. Do completely what suits you and don't make any excuses or explanations. If anyone comments just say l have said my goodbyes and am at peace now .
Hope everything goes OK for you.

LlynTegid · 22/09/2023 09:59

I have never wanted to be there when someone dies. Close family are aware of my wishes. I want to remember the last conversation I had with them.

Malarandras · 22/09/2023 10:01

It is absolutely OK what you are feeling. Not to be dramatic, but I know from experience that watching someone die is traumatic. If you can avoid it do that. You’ve seen them and said goodbye that’s what matters.

EmmaEmerald · 22/09/2023 10:04

You're not a coward

it's up to the individual

my sister wasn't around for dad, she saw him on his second to last day and it was unbearable for her. Please don't worry.

I know some people for whom the last memory of a dying loved one is just intolerable, Don't put yourself through unnecessary pain.

ApolloandDaphne · 22/09/2023 10:11

I was clear to my DM that I didn't want to be there when my DF died. I didn't want to see him in the funeral parlour either. I had said my goodbyes and had my memories. I don't think he would have wanted me to do something I didn't want to do. It wasn't cowardly, it was just my preference.

Cola2023 · 22/09/2023 10:19

I was there the day my gran died in hospital. I found it upsetting for a few days (it wasn't that peaceful) but it was the right thing to do.

BarrelOfOtters · 22/09/2023 10:26

I get that. It's OK. Really it's OK.

stopringingme · 22/09/2023 10:31

My Dad died last month, I visited him during the day but I said I could not be in the room when he passed away. My brother stayed with him and he died peacefully later that day.

When my Mum died 9 years ago I made the same decision, I said my goodbyes earlier, she was not alone.

It is a personal choice and you are the only one that can make that decision, I do not regret my decisions, I prefer my memories of the person to be happy.

Undercoverdetective · 22/09/2023 10:33

If you felt you wanted to do something else but you feel as if you don't want to be there, have you considered recording yourself on your phone, a little message or a song or read something that could be played back to your loved one so they can hear your voice. You and they may find it comforting.
I hope your loved one passes peacefully.

DisquietintheRanks · 22/09/2023 10:34

Does the person who is with them not need support or a break or company, at least some of the time? You feel how you feel but part of your feeling fine aboutnot going again seems to be predicated on that person being there for your lo, so maybe you might want to support them?

AnnaMagnani · 22/09/2023 10:39

I chose not to be there when my DF died. It's over 10 years now and I've never regretted it.

Having seen a lot of people die you do get the impression that they don't want to do it in a crowded room and often want to do it alone- waiting until the person with them has gone to the loo is really common.

My DF knew I adored him. I am happy with what my family did.

Eaglemom · 22/09/2023 10:40

People can sit with the dying person 24/7 and the minute they leave the room is can be when the dying person lets go. There is no rule book to say you have to be there, you have shown you care while the person was able to understand this. For other people being there is important and in some level I’m sure the dying person knows they are not alone. There is no right or wrong. Looking for something to feel guilty about is sadly part of grief, but really you don’t have to feel guilty about this.

Lifeinlists · 22/09/2023 10:41

I sat with my mum all day as she faded. It was expected that she'd still be with us well into the night so I nipped out to get something to eat. When I got back she'd died. Apparently it's very common for that to happen - almost like they want to go on their own.

Really don't worry about it OP.

Yerroblemom1923 · 22/09/2023 10:45

I agree with all the above but is the person left with them happy to be there 24/7? Do they get a break etc? Is it just one person?

Gettingbysomehow · 22/09/2023 10:47

Its quite possible they won't even be aware you are there. I've seen a lot of deaths as a nurse and it isn't for everyone. Others find it helpful as its obvious when they die there just isn't anyone in that body anymore. The soul has gone.
Just do what you feel is best for you.

Stroopwaffels · 22/09/2023 10:48

We went through this very recently with a parent. Parent was in hospital for about 4 weeks after a fall and had lots of other complicating issues too. At first it seemed that they were going to pull through and we were all quite positive, but things started to decline and we had a very hard conversation with a lovely palliative care doctor who explained that they were not going to get better, and that pain relief was all they could offer.

Sibling, other parent and I spent about three days sitting in a hospital room with an increasingly unresponsive and doped up parent, just waiting. It was AWFUL. I am very grateful for a kind yet straight talking nurse who had a very frank conversation with me and sibling about what the "end" is often like. Some people do slip away quietly and that's that. Others - even though on high levels of pain relief and "out of it" - gasp and almost appear to choke. Nurse advised that in her experience this can be very traumatic for relatives.

Sibling and I decided we did not want the other parent to witness this. Nurse advised that the death would probably happen overnight, given the observations and how ill they were. So about 8pm we said our goodbyes, had a family hug and a few tears, and went home. Switched the phone off and told hospital not to ring, we'd ring in the morning. When we called about 8am we were told they'd died in the middle of the night.

This was absolutely the right thing for us as a family and I don't regret it a bit. The patient in hospital was unaware who was there and who wasn't there and high as a kite on oxycontin or something.

There are no rights and wrongs here though, no could and should and must. You need to do what you feel is best for all of you. Lots of love.

Hbh17 · 22/09/2023 10:50

It's fine, OP - it's personal choice and there are no rules. And probably better for the individual too - many of us wouldn't want people hanging around when we die. I certainly hope I am alone and allowed to die in peace.

Original poster

MoonshineandMagic · 22/09/2023 10:59

Thank you all, as it happens I didn’t have to make the decision - they died this morning.

For those questioning support for the person who was with them, they did have other people around to help and give them a break but it feels right that they were the only one there at the end.

OP posts:

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