Not to be there when someone dies

33 replies

MoonshineandMagic · 22/09/2023 09:25

A close family member is very near the end. I’ve visited regularly and saw them yesterday although I’m not sure they were aware and I feel I’ve made my peace with it if that makes sense.

I know it’s going to happen soon but I don’t want to be there or see them again, I can’t explain why but it makes me feel weak and a coward. They have someone they love with them.

Can anyone understand? I don’t want to regret not being able to do that for them in years to come.

OP posts:

familyissues12345 · 22/09/2023 11:04

You have to do what's right for you

BalletBob · 22/09/2023 11:08

HeddaGarbled · 22/09/2023 09:36

I think this the-world-and-his-wife-sitting-round-the-deathbed thing is getting out of control, probably fuelled by films and TV. It’s not a performance. You’ve done what you need to. It’s OK to let them go with dignity and privacy and with just the one special person there, if that’s the way it works out.

Yes you're so right. My family decided to gather round when we lost our most treasured person because we all watched too many films and were in the mood for a bit of performative grieving. 🙄 What a crass comment. I can't imagine judging the way that someone chooses to say goodbye forever to someone they love.

Do what feels right for you, OP. If you feel you've made your peace and you are content that your loved one is supported and comfortable, there is no shame in choosing not to be there. Be kind to yourself.

KnittedCardi · 22/09/2023 11:23

My DF died in hospital many years ago. We had all visited when he was obviously very close to the end, he couldn't really communicate, but he knew we were there. A family friend who happened to be a priest, phoned me in the night to demand I come over as he was dying. I decided not to. My poor brother did, and forever wished he hadn't. I saw him early the next morning, and DF just wasn't there any more. He had died peacefully with lots of medication, but I didn't want to see that, and I am sure he wouldn't have wanted me there either. DH was very cross however, with the bullying priest.

FiveShelties · 22/09/2023 11:29

@MoonshineandMagic I am sorry for your loss.

neilyoungismyhero · 22/09/2023 11:30

Very sorry for your loss OP.

BrawnWild · 22/09/2023 11:30

@HeddaGarbled I agree with you.

People knew, unequivocally, that my relative was dying in hospital for weeks and waited til the last 24 hours to come in. My relative got nothing out of it, as they would have if they'd bothered even a few days before as they were slipping more and more and we, the ones that had bathed, held, shaved, read to and brushed he hair of the dying relative, felt obliged to step out to let them say their goodbyes and it made everything so much worse.

NOT aimed at OP at all, but if anyone else finds themselves in that situation, see your person at the earliest opportunity.

TheLuckyOnes · 22/09/2023 11:36

BalletBob · 22/09/2023 11:08

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Yes, and it's nonsense, anyway, as well as crass. Families have always gathered around deathbeds, especially when the majority of deaths happened at home, so there was no option not to, because you usually were the ones doing the nursing etc and death was less 'othered' and less liable to be only the very old.

I'm glad you feel you made the right decision for you, OP. Sorry for your loss.

Lemonyyy · 22/09/2023 11:37

I think if you have had a chance to say goodbye to someone you love, at peace, then your relative knew you loved them and that was the right thing for everyone involved. I would personally never want someone I loved to come back to my bedside and not be comfortable there, I would want them to remember me in the way they chose to.

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