I’m So Lonely

[Lastandfirst]

I literally feel so sad this evening.

I’ve realised I’ve no group of friends and I’ve no idea how it’s happened.

I’m in my 40’s with two primary school aged kids. I feel like I’m out the other side is sleepless nights and the kids are more independent.

My husband who I adore, works really long hours and can be away a lot. Or spends the evening tapping away on his laptop.

We live near my husbands family but never ask them to babysit.

But I’ve no friends, I’ve other mums I see and we help each other out with lifts to kids clubs etc but that’s about it.

My husband freely admits he’s anti-social and would rather stay at home but I’m not or never used to be. We never have people over unless it’s family, hardly go out because even tho we could ask any of the in-laws we just don’t.

Tonight I’ve literally looked at weekend breaks away for one person.

Is this a stage of life? I didn’t see it coming … how do you make friends when everyone seems to have a group 😞

There's no feeling worse than loneliness.
The thing is you have to work at it getting out of a rut, like a job. No one's going to come to you, you have to put yourself out
Church
Local walking group
Book clubs
Do you work?
Get a dog?

Volunteering?

I’m the same, dp is an introvert and just wants to sit and stare at tv. I’ve met some nice ladies at a local exercise class but don’t feel like I have anyone to go out for a drink with etc.

I’m sad to read this. Could you go for a walk with one of the mums after drop off or go for a coffee? Sometimes it’s small steps. I think Covid didn’t help, people became more anti social and some people didn’t spring back from it. Your husband may be one of them.

I would set some small goals…I think joining a book club or some local interest group, even a gym or exercise class would be a super start.

Do your kids do any group activities? Being a parent helper is a good way to make friends.

Forgot to say, you could become more active in the school PTA…!? Normally that’s a good way to meet other mums etc.

Same but different

im an introvert and have never felt lonely (or bored ) at nearly 50 and have a few friends but I don’t socialise really outside family things

however I have extrovert sociable teenagers and they can’t cope without being in the midst of activity with friends and doing things here and there which would literally make me panic

but feeling lonely I can only imagine is very different from being bored and at a loose end

please look after yourself and see what you are able to do outside family home

what do you want to do..

Well OP… everyone does not have a group. There are a great deal of threads on here from lonely people who want to make friends. Let me ask you a question and you must understand that I’m saying this kindly…. What have you actually done to make friends? Other than being friendly and smiling at the school gates what have you done? Have you ever invited other parents to yours for a coffee / get to know you? Have you ever asked someone to meet for a get together? Do you start conversations? Have you ever done a class. Do you work with anyone you like? If you do not live where you grew up then it’s something you have to work at. You don’t need your OH to be involved if he isn’t very social… get the ball rolling and see if a relative will babysit then look at what you could do to get out and about

I meet most of my friends through work, past and present. have you not got friendships that way?

And just thinking back to that phase you're in, when the kids were in primary, I remember being able to put more of myself into work, joining career development schemes and training etc where I was in groups of like-minded women and made some good friends. Are there ways you can network beyond the school gate?

Thank you for all your advise.

yes I do work but remotely from
home… I don’t think this is helping. My hours suit school and childcare but I might look at changing this as a step out there. How I’d work this round my husbands hours I don’t know.

When my kids were younger I had regular meet ups, mums round for coffee and it was lovely. Covid happened and we all went back to work or moved and the dynamics changed. I feel like everyone moved on.

kids play sport and there are a group of mums but we don’t really socialise, either that or it’s very hard to break into.

Someone mentioned previous friendships. Yes I have a couple of really good friends that I grew up with, went to uni with but I live in Ireland and they live in England. We see each other but not often.

Completely get I have to make a move. I did an exercise class for a year or so and it was mainly older women as it was a week day morning, so not my demographic. What do 40 something women do 🤷‍♀️

I just feel at a loss.

I need to have a proper chat with my husband as I need to get out in the evenings or do something that doesn’t involve family life.

I am in a similar boat but since starting lane swimming I’ve made many acquaintances that I chat to during week days and a few of us have even created a WhatsApp group where we talk about heaven and earth and schedule planned meet ups in the pool. They’re not friends friends but it’s certainly a less lonely place when people seek out your company. Could you do something like that? You need an interest that’s just yours, nothing to do with kids or husband whatsoever. In the swimming group we rarely discuss our husbands or kids, you’re an actual person. We talk about our own interests in life, what we do for work, what we like to eat/drink and how our swimming is going. It’s lovely to not just be mummy or auntie or whatever it is. Just for 1.5 hour every day I’m just me.

I'm the same op. I work from home in a place a didn't grow up. I had school Gate acquaintances which was enough for me but now both kids are at secondary I go days without seeing or speaking to anyone but my immediate family ☹️

I've joined a gym which I know is quite a solitary pastime but it'll at least get me out of the house. It really is hard, especially when everyone already has established friendship groups.

I joined two local MeetUp groups and now I have something I can join (don’t always want to) every weekend and every Wednesday night. I’ve met some great people and done some activities that I would never have done under my own steam.

I’m slightly younger than you but know exactly what you mean, but for me it was covid was the catalyst. I have always been quite good at making friends I’d say but the life stage I’m in now means most of my really good friends are miles away (as in too far even for a day trip reasonably), and haven’t quite established new ones.

I do see people at work and have joined a few activities though. I think it’s extra hard as you almost forget to talk to people you don’t know in real life when everything is online.

I’d recommend combing your local Facebook groups to see what is around in terms of groups or activities that appeals and hopefully find something you’d like to do via that?

I think facebook is excellent for this there are so many groups/meet ups etc. I think volunteering is an excellent idea, a walking group, community groups, book groups? There must be something

Where abouts are you?

I definitely think 40s are the hardest. If d stayed where I was as a sahm I'd have a lovely circle of friends but I moved! However even these lovely friends rarely meet now as they have returned to work and life is busy. I think that's what I'm finding - life just feels busier in your 40s. Yes you can have hobbies/join clubs etc but I think there's something special about friendships made during school/uni/maternity. All of those stages have more freedom with time and allow the development of deeper friendship.
Don't know what the answer is but I get it. I have lots of 'friends' but none of them know each other and I feel stressed at trying to see them all individually!

The Bumble app has a "bff" setting so you can go on to meet friends. I know there's other apps but can't remember the names. It's fun to meet other women this way, I was in the same situation and found lots of friends on the apps.

Covid and cancer turned my life around and I feel isolated. And I am a lot older than you. But there's really good advice above. A new job outside the home if and when that's possible. The daily swim sounds good. Does your town have a weekly meet of a particular group eg historical? gardening? That you could join to get in practise for making friends. Treat it like a job, do some research, make a plan. Good luck and chin up.

I'm so sorry you feel like this. It doesn't have to last. I think lots of people go through feelings of intense loneliness at some point in life. I felt like you do at exactly the same time in life as you are at now. The DC are too old for meet ups with mums at baby groups, DH preoccupied.

What helped me was to be more open in my mind to what friendship is and mcan be. I absolutely longed for very close friends. But I decided instead to focus on and enjoy much more casual interaction.

If you join a couple of fitness groups - maybe different types - yoga or pilates for one and either bootcamp or zumba for the other, you will meet different types of people. Take it slowly. Just make small talk at first. It took me a couple of years but very gradually genuine friendships emerge. Donb;t be put off if nothing happens for ages. It takes Brits about a year or two to get close to people they see every week!

And a hobby you genuinely love. With something you really adore, friendship often moves more quickly. People want to go to talks or trade shows or demos or poetry readings etc and are more likely to want to meet up outside class.

Even if it takes a while, getting out of the house three times a week will be good for you.

And speak to your husband. he might be knackered after work, but that doesn't mean he should never make an effort. Why not suggest you go out on Saturday nights, after he's had some rest from the working week. Ask family to babysit. Book tickets for something you'd both enjoy - a comedy night, a concert or gig, a play or musical. And discuss a weekend away with him. With or without the kids. Start putting things in the diary that you can look forward to, as a family, as a couple and you striking out in your own, pursuing your own interests which will generate new friendships.

One other things - several of my dearest friends, I first met online or through a mutual online friend. If your husband is online in the evening, you can be too. You can chat in online interest groups. I did that, then we met up as a big crowd a few times, and from that some genuine close friendships emerged. But the trick is to get involved in a group that truly connects with a deep interest you have.

What do you love doing? Dressmaking and fashion? Local history? Creative writing? Crafts? Am dram or choir? Fitness - running, netball, yoga, bootcamp?

I agree maybe see if you can join groups but don’t go in with expectations of finding a group of friends - every time I’ve done this I’ve met nice people but we never became friends outside the confines of whatever group or activity it was. It’s a way to feel more sociable though.

The thing that jumped out at me was H on the laptop ( not RTFT, sorry). Have you addressed this?

Yes, I think I need to look a bit harder. If it helps I live in a small village in Ireland. It rains a lot… don’t know why that’s relevant but feel it should be 😆

I think there is a massive gap in the market in this area for stuff when you are between life stages.

@Chickenkeev 100% need to address the work life balance with my husband. When I say he’s on his laptop he’s working. He’s a good man but since lockdown I’ve found the lines between work and home massively blurred.

Thank you all … I needed a kick up the arse to change my situation and be more pro-active.

@Phos yes, I think your right. It’s getting out as a first step.