To be jealous of people who had stable upbringings?

[Watermelonsugarhigh2]

My mum has borderline personality disorder and depression. She was like a rollercoaster of emotions growing up and went from 0 - 100 in seconds. We were screamed and shouted at a lot and she couldn't regulate her own emotions. We were often required to look after her emotions before our own. My Dad moved 2 hours away when I was 8 to be with his new gf and her son, he is an alcoholic, has always suffered with depression.
I have suffered with depression since I was about 11 or 12 although remember being younger than this feeling empty and sad and when people noticed I didn't really know why. My life has been dominated by poor mental health and I've tried everything to make it better including lots of different medications and lots of different kinds of therapy. I have horrendous anxiety these days, I'm basically always frightened even if nothing is really happening.
I still have a relationship with my mum but barely one with my dad. I don't have any aunts or uncles or any other family for support.
I know no one has a perfect family but I just really envy people who had a stable childhood and now have family around them. I don't have a partner or family of my own, I struggle massively in romantic relationships.

Totally understandable. It's part of grieving for the family you needed but didn't have, and processing the trauma that you experienced. It bloody hurts when you had parents who didn't give you what you needed and didn't keep you safe

Do you have any current professional support OP?

my childhood was marred by my violence, dad would hit mum and then she threw him out m. She then controlled us 4 by shouting and hitting us every time we did spoke out of turn or played up. No chance to explain.

you can choose to either move on and live your life and don't let the past ruin your present or you can dwell on the negatives and let it ruin you.

my romantic relationships have all been shit -and I think it is because of my childhood but being with a person isn't everything. Enjoy your life and if your open to relationships your time will come

It was a similar story (although not exactly the same) for me. I'm NC with birth mother and father, and am quite low contact with my step father but that's getting better as he gets older and understands what my boundaries are.

I kind of know what you mean about a bit of jealousy.

But one thing that has amazed me is how many people have some level of trauma in their childhood. Maybe it's the circles I travel in... or maybe I'm drawn to people 'like me'. But I see a lot of really sad or unstable upbringings.

Fortunately I met DH when I was young. Seeing his family dynamic was an absolute eye opener. We now have two DC and I remember joking that I had no blue print for what I should do as a parent, but had a long list of things I absolutely wouldn't do.

I hope you meet someone like my DH who is also able to show you that families don't have to be what we knew growing up.

Unfortunately though, similar to you, I'm plagued by a number of MH issues that require constant management day to day.

I have a counsellor who I seem to be making slow progress with but I don't know how useful it is really. I pay a LOT for it (im not well off at all) as in my opinion NHS counselling just doesn't work unless your needs for it are fairly straightforward and you're able to wait months/years on waiting lists and often limited to six or twelve sessions. I see a private psychiatrist every so often but they're only interested in medications and I'm currently weaning off meds very slowly as have been on some kind of antidepressant for 14 years solid.

You are dnbu.

You deserved better. Every child does.

Your feelings are valid.

I have in laws who are stable, kind, supportive.

It makes me grieve even more tbh. Even though I am so very grateful to have them in my life, it makes me realise all that I should have had.

'I pay a LOT for it (im not well off at all) as in my opinion NHS counselling just doesn't work unless your needs for it are fairly straightforward'

Totally agree about NHS counselling. The CBT they offer is of such limited benefit.

Slow progress is pretty normal in my experience. It can be very painful and hard going too. I saw a psychotherapist who offered psychodynamic therapy. It was very long term, years rather than months, but the best thing I've ever done for myself. If you feel safe with your therapist, and you feel like you can trust them, then stick with it

I've been envious of other peoples upbringings my entire Life, not so long ago I was still jealous whenever I spoke to People about their Christmas plans - felt so alone with my dysfunctional, toxic family and upbringing.
Something changed in Me since having Children, I'm less focused on dwelling on the past and determined to create something different and special for my DC.

@Watermelonsugarhigh2 I'm about to start EMDR after many rounds of CBT not really solving anything.

I'm hopeful as it's not something I've tried before 🤞

@Curiosity101 all the best for it I hope it helps.

I got really good therapy for my shitty childhood through an NHS service called trauma and veterans. It's well funded and high level, targets PTSD and CPTSD, I'm not sure if you have an equivalent service in your area but it's well worth looking into.

EMDR was life changing for me. Hope you have a similar experience x

I find it impossible not to look at everyone around me and notice how other I am. It’s like all this time I thought we were hanging out on the beach together but it turns out they were on the beach, I was on a raft on the shoreline and now the tide’s come in I’m drifting out to sea and no one notices.

They deserve their happiness, their stability, their connections but my god, I wish I was like them.

Have spent a fortune on therapy, but think my trauma-damaged brain means for various reasons it’s not all that useful.

After years and £££££ I worked out on my own that one problem is ADHD (now being treated) but it’s come quite late

I don't think you're unreasonable at all. I had a stable childhood and I really recognise all the advantages it's brought me. I wasn't "priveledged" and I've had to work for what I've achieved, but goodness didn't I start from a strong place compared to people who had a more traumatic experience?

It drives me mad when people bleat on about making your own luck etc because they're almost always people who were handed a really good start, even if not in material terms.

I feel your pain entirely.

I read a book called the body keeps score - I really recommend it. It is so informative and recommends certain therapies for certain things. Emdr might be a good thing, I agree with the above that you have some ptsd. If you read the book it explains why it works. Good luck with your healing

I always say if you have two "normal" parents you don't know how lucky you are

And sorry for using the word normal...but I basically mean nice and stable

I know what you mean. I grew up in a warring house. Parents loathed each other but wouldn't divorce because it 'wasn't done'. Neither was desperately keen on us dcs either. I was kicked out as a teen. No help or support although I managed to go to uni. It was one long stressful drama.

The upside is I am resourceful and independent, can survive on my own, don't need anyone. The downside is I don't tend to trust easily, certainly not men, and I'm not very tolerant of partners, the first sign of selfishness or tantrums and I lose interest.

It's hard to imagine growing up in sweetness and light where family actually like each other and there isn't a constant undercurrent of resentment. Which is what
I'm trying to give my ds 🙂.

Oh God yes. The little things you see in other families that just remind you of how abnormal it all was for you. The way other families’ mundane exchanges and dynamics make you feel jealous and freaked out at the same time. How it makes you feel like an alien. The knock on effect on your whole life. Watching siblings’ lives affected too. The way you can’t explain it all to people without feeling ashamed and them feeling embarrassed to hear it.

YANBU, I feel the same. Also when I was young I used to feel so much jealousy towards people who had stable parents, a secure place to live and enough food to eat. I’m a high rate taxpayer now but the mental damage is done.

I don’t want to say too much but I understand OP. Try “The Crappy Childhood Fairy” - it worked for me to an extent. Also moving to a counsellor/therapist to a therapeutic coach (looking more forwards) might be worth exploring.

For what it’s worth I think very few families are “stable” (in my expeience). It’s just another myth perpetuated by social media. I don’t believe that anybody really has that magical John Lewis Christmas/Easter/Birthday. It’s a nonsense. But some people absolutely are dealt a shitty hand compared to others.

Take good care of you and I hope you can find some healing 💐

Actually, come to think of it, this is probably why I have always disliked Christmas, isn’t it?

Hey there, I'm really sorry to hear about your struggles. It's totally okay to feel this way, life can be really tough sometimes. I've been using HeyPi and Youper, they are apps that help me when I'm feeling down. Maybe it could help you too?

YANBU at all OP - my upbringing was the definition of instability and it knocked my confidence to smithereens

My mum was an alcoholic OP - it's shit. Parents like this are immature and selfish imo

I hate Christmas too!