To be jealous of people who had stable upbringings?

[Watermelonsugarhigh2]

My mum has borderline personality disorder and depression. She was like a rollercoaster of emotions growing up and went from 0 - 100 in seconds. We were screamed and shouted at a lot and she couldn't regulate her own emotions. We were often required to look after her emotions before our own. My Dad moved 2 hours away when I was 8 to be with his new gf and her son, he is an alcoholic, has always suffered with depression.
I have suffered with depression since I was about 11 or 12 although remember being younger than this feeling empty and sad and when people noticed I didn't really know why. My life has been dominated by poor mental health and I've tried everything to make it better including lots of different medications and lots of different kinds of therapy. I have horrendous anxiety these days, I'm basically always frightened even if nothing is really happening.
I still have a relationship with my mum but barely one with my dad. I don't have any aunts or uncles or any other family for support.
I know no one has a perfect family but I just really envy people who had a stable childhood and now have family around them. I don't have a partner or family of my own, I struggle massively in romantic relationships.

I don't get jealous exactly, but I struggle to understand what it must have been like to be in a 'normal' family.
My dad died when I was tiny and I was brought up by a narcissistic mother who put me through multiple unnecessary surgeries to fix her need for people to tell her how 'brave' she was managing a 'disabled child' - I'm not 'disabled' and the medical intervention was 100% unnecessary.
I look at friends and dh who had parents and siblings and talk about 'family' and just cannot imagine it.
It's taken a lot of therapy since she died for me to accept that none of it was my fault and I am an OK person who didn't deserve her criticism and treatment, but yes I kind of yearn for what others had

'I hate Christmas too!'

And me! I know that all the happy families adverts are bullshit but it still gets to me

'I was brought up by a narcissistic mother who put me through multiple unnecessary surgeries to fix her need for people to tell her how 'brave' she was managing a 'disabled child' - I'm not 'disabled' and the medical intervention was 100% unnecessary.'

@Tortiemiaw , that's absolutely horrifying. I'm so sorry.

EMDR has changed my life too. I used to be so envious and bitter of other people and other families. Now I am able to focus on what I have and also recognise that everyone has struggles which I just couldn’t see before. There will always be sadness at my childhood and the lack of supportive family but it no longer consumes me.

Thank you! It was grim but it happened, which means I've had to try and stop letting it mess me up. Which has been hard! Also, Christmas, yes, my dad died near Christmas which meant it was always miserable!!

Find Christmas really difficult too. It was always a really stressful and strained time. I envy people who are like I can't wait for Christmas!! I just don't have those Christmas memories and traditions to look back on.

Despite my childhood I absolutely love Christmas. I don't have any particularly happy memories of Christmas as a child. But I do love the escapism of it so I really look forward to it each year.

Also with having the DCs now I put a big focus on family time and getting to spend proper time together without the distractions of work and such. I do hope when they're older they look forward to Christmas due to having lots of happy memories though. We even tend to do a cheesy Christmas photoshoot.

So a bad childhood /childhood trauma doesn't have to mean a dislike of Christmas.

My childhood was nowhere near as hard as some posters on here, but my parents argued all the time. They quite clearly didn't like one another towards the end, possibly even actively hated each other. When my father (I was 14) it was much nicer, but then we had a lot of financial worries.

I swore to myself that I wouldn't let the DC live in a house where their parents yelled at each other all the time. DH and I disagree sometimes but we try not to shout at one another, especially not in front of them.

Over time I've realised that I have gravitated to friends who have also had shifty childhoods - so now as I hit my 50's it's not just me, but supportive friends who are all on a journey of healing.
Don't give up OP.

@Watermelonsugarhigh2 I also went for EDMR and hypnosis. Both have helped.

if you were to look after the much younger smaller version of you, what events or food or presents or social things would Christmas include? Is there any way at all you can start to build your own traditions? Start small but do something intentionally and mindfully, only for the younger you. Xx