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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Angry neighbour

27 replies

Temporaryname158 · 21/09/2023 21:01

Today I had 2 missed calls from a neighbour. (I’ll call her neighbour A) Her husband died earlier this year and she’s in her 70’s and doesn’t usually call so I went round to check if she was ok.

I knocked on the door, she opened it and invited me in. she was furious and started having a go at me.

I live opposite a semi detached. Neighbour A and B live in those 2 houses. My mum was going on holiday from an airport locally and neighbour B had offered my mum to park on her drive when she went on holiday. My mum got confused and attempted to pArk on neighbour A ‘s drive. She couldn’t and didn’t park on it due to it being too narrow but did open the gate and attempt to. Neighbour A was away on holiday at the time so wasn’t there to mention it to and I corrected my mum at the time who parked on the correct drive and I thought no more about it.

so tonight neighbour A is furious with me, accusing us of trespassing on her property, accusing us of bringing in her wheely bin on that day. I don’t know if my mum did or not. I haven’t spoke to her yet, but she would have only done it thinking she was helping neighbour B who’s drive she believed it to be (who is 90).

I just feel so confused. It was an accident, nothing was damaged and nobody did actually park on her drive. I of course apologised to her and explained that it was due to a mix up, my mum had the wrong drive, not that we thought we could just use hers.

I’ve know this woman 18 years and she’s always been pleasant, we’ve chatted, been in each others homes/gardens. I would have previously said we got on well and that we could have called each other in an emergency etc.

im just so surprised by the anger she had towards me over what in my eyes was a genuine mistake that led to no harm.

what would you do now?

do I buy her flowers to say sorry? (I did say sorry today, several times and also sorry that it had upset her)

what if I see her in the street????

I hate confrontation. I’ve been in an abusive relationship previously and hate shouting and aggressive actions so it shook me up her being that way with me.

have we really done something very bad? Would you have felt and reacted them same if you were neighbour A?

I just need some independent advice and will apologise more if people think I should but also I don’t want to be walked on for a genuine mistake If that’s what people advise

OP posts:
Tinkerbyebye · 21/09/2023 21:04

She sounds nuts. Nothing was damaged. I would just ignore

Thementalloadisreal · 21/09/2023 21:05

Doesn’t sound like you or your mum did anything wrong. Neighbour is flipping out over nothing much. The parking was an accident and rectified. Taking the bins in is a nice thing to do!

IHateCornerBaths · 21/09/2023 21:07

No, you haven’t done anything really bad. Her reaction is really disproportionate, but maybe she wrongly assumed you were taking liberties rather than it being an accident.
Dont keep apologising, you’ve already said sorry. If you see her in the street just say ‘hello’ as you normally would and leave it at that.
Youve done nothing wrong, don’t give it any more headspace.

90yomakeuproom · 21/09/2023 21:09

Don't buy flowers, you both did nothing wrong.

Tdcp · 21/09/2023 21:14

Someone parked on my drive the other week by mistake, dp was very confused when he saw what was going on but there was no anger involved at any point .. your neighbour is out of order, please don't buy them flowers, they should be buying them for you!

Pottomous2 · 21/09/2023 21:14

There is something else here. I suspect she has had a bad day, bad week or whatever but you have got the brunt end of something that wasn’t your fault. You did nothing wrong but make a mistake , and her reaction was disproportionate. It’s her that should now be apologising!

Oldthyme · 21/09/2023 21:14

She’s shown her true colours.
No more apologising.
Avoid for a while, let the dust settle and thence be very guarded with her.
She sounds nuts!

MidnightOnceMore · 21/09/2023 21:16

In this situation I would assume it is her issue - whether medical, MH, or just an attitude problem. I would not be taking it on myself when it was a genuine error. No flowers or anything else required.

If there is any confrontation in the street just say 'I am not willing to get into an argument' and walk away.

LocalHobo · 21/09/2023 21:23

I'd be very upset to see an unknown person opening my gate and attempting to park on my drive. For a start, my security system would alert my phone and the footage of someone doing this would concern me greatly as to what the intruder's intentions were.
Obviously your DM made a genuine mistake but I would expect an explanation and an apology before I approached you/your DM. Since you left your neighbour to investigate the incident I think the least your DM can do is send flowers.
Are you sure the gate was secured adequately once your DM left? 'A' may have, or be planning to get, a dog - what would have happened if they had been let out to wander on the road, or a grandchild could be playing on the driveway. If the driveway was too narrow for the car, was any damage done to the gateposts or edge of the grass?
I'm amazed some posters think it's a non-event, and the fact she is recently bereaved and may be feeling vulnerable make the event a bigger deal.

Original poster
Temporaryname158 · 21/09/2023 21:29

@LocalHobo your thoughts seem to differ from everyone else’s so I’d just like to clarify she has no security system ie ring doorbell, cameras etc and was on holiday and so as the situation was immediately rectified I thought no more of it. It didn’t need an investigation by my neighbour. She was away and has no dog and no grandchildren were visiting as she was away. This was not a gate left open wide for a long time.

absolutely no damage was done to her property and the gate was secured exactly as it had been (a simple latch)

I take your point she may be feeling vulnerable but most people seem to agree with my gut feeling that this reaction seemed a bit much

OP posts:
Dymaxion · 21/09/2023 21:45

How did Neighbour A find out your Mum attempted to park on her drive, if she was away on holiday at the time ?

towriteyoumustlive · 21/09/2023 21:48

Oldthyme · 21/09/2023 21:14

She’s shown her true colours.
No more apologising.
Avoid for a while, let the dust settle and thence be very guarded with her.
She sounds nuts!

Or perhaps has the onset of dementia which causes huge changes in personality and to become irrational over insignificant things. She is in her 70s...

Hummingbird89 · 21/09/2023 21:48

@LocalHobo very upset? Get a grip.
OP you and your mum have done nothing wrong. It was a simple mistake. Talk about an overreaction! Do NOT buy her flowers!!

Original poster
Temporaryname158 · 21/09/2023 21:50

The lady who was supposed to put the bin away came up to my mum who explained what she was doing. I’d spotted my mum by this point attempting the wrong drive went over explained the error to both parties and said sorry, mum it was neighbour B who offered her drive. A is away on holiday (as I knew she was). End of. The neighbour who had come to put the bin away knows me too, said oh don’t worry and we all moved on. I can only assume she told neighbour A. But she wasn’t concerned at the time when she realised it was a mistake

OP posts:
BlueThursday · 21/09/2023 21:50

If she has no security system how did she know your mother had parked there? Is there damage you haven’t noticed?

Original poster
Temporaryname158 · 21/09/2023 21:53

There is 100% no damage. My mum has parking assist cameras and it was quickly apparent her car was too wide. She did not actually pull onto the drive only opened the gates and went as if to. But it was too narrow.

today when neighbour A was shouting at me it was about trespassing on her property, not in regard to any damage. There isn’t any

OP posts:
Coldbrewnumber2 · 21/09/2023 21:53

towriteyoumustlive · 21/09/2023 21:48

Or perhaps has the onset of dementia which causes huge changes in personality and to become irrational over insignificant things. She is in her 70s...

Show quote history

I was going to say the same, possibly early signs of dementia? It can cause irrational outbursts like this.

RomeoMcFlourish · 21/09/2023 22:00

You’ve done nothing wrong. If she has a go at you again just walk away and ignore. As an elderly neighbour, she’s more likely to need you than you need her, so she probably shouldn’t be such an unreasonable cow.

Name99 · 21/09/2023 22:00

I'm thinking dementia or water infection

Dymaxion · 21/09/2023 22:01

Leave her to it, don't apologise any further, you have given an explanation and that is all that is required.

OrigamiOwl · 21/09/2023 22:05

Don't send flowers, don't apologise further. It was a mistake.

ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 21/09/2023 22:09

Your neighbours reaction is completely over the top. I'm another one wondering about early signs of dementia. Something's not quite right there.

mishmased · 21/09/2023 22:18

Maybe neighbor A is feeling vulnerable since the death of her husband and this mistake made feel more vulnerable hence her angry reaction. I wouldn't think much of it but being me I will buy her flowers and pop back to her and clear the air. For a recently bereaved pensioner, I'll do that and it might put her mind at ease to know that the neighbours are still friendly and she's not alone.

CaroleSinger · 21/09/2023 22:24

All sounds a bit of an over reaction over nothing. I wouldn't spend any more time apologizing. Just ignore it now and don't speak about it again. If she raises it just shut the conversation down.

CantThinkOfANameAtAll · 21/09/2023 22:28

If it was out of character then there is something else that caused her anger. Maybe something else triggered fear or confusion or worry, or a uti or dementia or pain or something reminded her of her DHs death. Just accept it wasn't her normal manner and move on. It can happen to us all at least once in our lifetime.

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