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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How to stop contact with crush?

43 replies

F0Xintherain · 21/09/2023 19:48

They live on the other side of the country but we chat every day online and meet up a couple of times a year.
I can't cope with the headfuck anymore. So I think I need to stop chatting all the time because it feeds it.

I can't bare to end the friendship and have them think I don't value them. Should I say I'm ending the friendship because of romantic feelings? Nothing will happen, I'm married. They're single.

I can't block them, we've been friends six years.

Any mature advice please. I'm too old for this and I'm sad to have ruined our friendship

OP posts:
Original poster
F0Xintherain · 21/09/2023 20:08

Anyone?

OP posts:
GOODCAT · 21/09/2023 20:09

You pull back and you don't say why.

ChesterAndRaoul · 21/09/2023 20:10

You should absolutely be honest with your crush, your spouse and yourself.

HikingforScenery · 21/09/2023 20:10

Minimise messaging and make an excuse not to see them in person?
Is there something missing from your marriage?

Edit
I missed the bit about you being married.

Knitgoodwoman · 21/09/2023 20:11

I'd say just slowly stop responding, you're busy, it happens. Big declarations could get messy. But you have my sympathy, it can be hard! Get busy, focus on your own needs and life.

Hillsmakeyoustrong · 21/09/2023 20:12

I'm not sure I would say why tbh. I think it's about future proofing yourself. Once the feelings have passed, you might regret having said something. Your future self will thank you. I'd pull back gently and phase yourself out.

Original poster
F0Xintherain · 21/09/2023 20:13

Oh no, every post says to do a different thing! I could reduce messaging but they'd wonder why as I usually message every day.
Tell them and my spouse? Honestly? That seems disastrous

OP posts:
Original poster
F0Xintherain · 21/09/2023 20:15

HikingforScenery · 21/09/2023 20:10

Minimise messaging and make an excuse not to see them in person?
Is there something missing from your marriage?

Edit
I missed the bit about you being married.

Edited

We are happy but been together a very long time so maybe I'm a bit bored or something. I honestly don't know how it's become such a big thing in my head. I become obsessive

OP posts:
shivermetimbers77 · 21/09/2023 20:15

If I were you I would be honest but phrase it in a way that does not blur the lines .. so something like “I’ve noticed that my feelings have changed into something that would be totally inappropriate to act on. I value my marriage too much to do anything to risk it so I must step back . I hope you understand “

Original poster
F0Xintherain · 21/09/2023 20:16

Hillsmakeyoustrong · 21/09/2023 20:12

I'm not sure I would say why tbh. I think it's about future proofing yourself. Once the feelings have passed, you might regret having said something. Your future self will thank you. I'd pull back gently and phase yourself out.

I'd like to be friends again. Like before the romantic obsessive feelings started

OP posts:
Original poster
F0Xintherain · 21/09/2023 20:17

shivermetimbers77 · 21/09/2023 20:15

If I were you I would be honest but phrase it in a way that does not blur the lines .. so something like “I’ve noticed that my feelings have changed into something that would be totally inappropriate to act on. I value my marriage too much to do anything to risk it so I must step back . I hope you understand “

That sounds sensible. Not sure I could do it though

OP posts:
Highdaysandholidays1 · 21/09/2023 20:19

The only way to back out of a crush (and this seems far more than that) is to have no contact with the person for a good while to let it die down, before you re-establish contact.

In this situation, you are putting all your emotional energy and excitement into the friend and not your marriage, it's really dooming your marriage as a result.

I think it's time to be reasonably honest with the friend, I'd say 'I notice I'm spending every day sending you texts and chatting and I need to stop doing that so I can focus a bit more and me and (husband's name)'.

I don't think going back to being friends is an option at all, otherwise you would be there.

It's up to you if you tell your husband, but it has gone too far with daily texting and infatuation, so you do need to be very firm with yourself on this one.

Nagado · 21/09/2023 20:22

I think I’d be inclined to tell them how much I’ve valued their friendship and what a good person they are, but that you’ve spent so much time chatting to them on line that you need to put some work in to your marriage as you’ve been neglecting it recently and that has to be your priority, so you’ll be disappearing for a few months.

And then have a serious think about your marriage and what you want your future to look like.

girlfriend44 · 21/09/2023 20:24

Google limerance.

ChesterAndRaoul · 21/09/2023 20:25

You are married and have romantic feelings for someone else, so much so that you are having to stop contact with the person because it's a mindfuck...

You need to be honest with yourself as to why that is, and be honest with your spouse about your marriage.

If that were me then the romantic feelings for someone other than my partner would be a huge red flag about the marriage.

OSU · 21/09/2023 20:25

Yeah, it's not a continuum, it's binary. You need to cut off all comms. It will feel epic when you initially do it but it will be ok, you will be ok and you will look back with relief. Just block that person now. Ghost them. You can do this.

OSU · 21/09/2023 20:26

When I say binary, if you have these feelings you cannot step back or reduce things to a friendship. You just have to stop.

Janieforever · 21/09/2023 20:27

God dont tell your husband or the crush, just pull back,

I don’t get all these threads on Middle Aged folks getting like this and being unable to control themselves.

Knitgoodwoman · 21/09/2023 20:28

I really don’t think you should admit to the crush, 1) he could not feel the same and feel mortified. I’ve had a crush admit to me they liked me and it killed the friendship and made it super awkward
or 2) he feels the same and you feel inclined to take it further… then your marriage is in jeopardy.

Jk987 · 21/09/2023 20:29

Don't completely ghost them. It's totally unfair on the other person. They'll be left wondering what the hell happened and might be worried.

Redwinestillfine · 21/09/2023 20:29

Don't tell him! That will end in tears! Just put a bit of distance in. If he queries it just say something nondescript lot on/ dealing with some personal issues/ got stuff going on at home and just need a bit of space

OSU · 21/09/2023 20:30

Jk987 · 21/09/2023 20:29

Don't completely ghost them. It's totally unfair on the other person. They'll be left wondering what the hell happened and might be worried.

I don't agree. It's not about them.

Original poster
F0Xintherain · 21/09/2023 20:32

Yes it is like limerence I think.

Is there some other reason I could say I can't contact for a while? So I don't have to say about the feelings and maybe we can get the friendship back after a break.

This has happened to me before many years ago and the feelings did fade. But it's been so long I'm waiting for them to fade now it's doing my head in

OP posts:
Original poster
F0Xintherain · 21/09/2023 20:33

OSU · 21/09/2023 20:25

Yeah, it's not a continuum, it's binary. You need to cut off all comms. It will feel epic when you initially do it but it will be ok, you will be ok and you will look back with relief. Just block that person now. Ghost them. You can do this.

I really couldn't live with myself hurting them like that

OP posts:
Original poster
F0Xintherain · 21/09/2023 20:34

Janieforever · 21/09/2023 20:27

God dont tell your husband or the crush, just pull back,

I don’t get all these threads on Middle Aged folks getting like this and being unable to control themselves.

I honestly would love not to feel like this. How do you control it?

OP posts: