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Original poster

How to stop contact with crush?

43 replies

F0Xintherain · 21/09/2023 19:48

They live on the other side of the country but we chat every day online and meet up a couple of times a year.
I can't cope with the headfuck anymore. So I think I need to stop chatting all the time because it feeds it.

I can't bare to end the friendship and have them think I don't value them. Should I say I'm ending the friendship because of romantic feelings? Nothing will happen, I'm married. They're single.

I can't block them, we've been friends six years.

Any mature advice please. I'm too old for this and I'm sad to have ruined our friendship

OP posts:
CalistoNoSolo · 21/09/2023 20:34

You sound like a teenager but you've been married for years? You need to grow up fast. I doubt your 'friend' reciprocates your feelings, and you're being a shite spouse because it sounds like you're having a (one sided) emotional affair.

Original poster
F0Xintherain · 21/09/2023 20:35

CalistoNoSolo · 21/09/2023 20:34

You sound like a teenager but you've been married for years? You need to grow up fast. I doubt your 'friend' reciprocates your feelings, and you're being a shite spouse because it sounds like you're having a (one sided) emotional affair.

Yes you're right. I feel shit about it

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 21/09/2023 20:36

Nagado · 21/09/2023 20:22

I think I’d be inclined to tell them how much I’ve valued their friendship and what a good person they are, but that you’ve spent so much time chatting to them on line that you need to put some work in to your marriage as you’ve been neglecting it recently and that has to be your priority, so you’ll be disappearing for a few months.

And then have a serious think about your marriage and what you want your future to look like.

This. Telling the crush isn't a good idea. It feeds it.

Working on your marriage doesn't. It feeds the marriage. Work out what's going on with that. Or divorce, if that's what you need.

Cosycardigans · 21/09/2023 20:36

Nagado · 21/09/2023 20:22

I think I’d be inclined to tell them how much I’ve valued their friendship and what a good person they are, but that you’ve spent so much time chatting to them on line that you need to put some work in to your marriage as you’ve been neglecting it recently and that has to be your priority, so you’ll be disappearing for a few months.

And then have a serious think about your marriage and what you want your future to look like.

İ think this is the best answer

Cosycardigans · 21/09/2023 20:37

CalistoNoSolo · 21/09/2023 20:34

You sound like a teenager but you've been married for years? You need to grow up fast. I doubt your 'friend' reciprocates your feelings, and you're being a shite spouse because it sounds like you're having a (one sided) emotional affair.

Bit harsh...

HeatherMoores · 21/09/2023 20:38

Hillsmakeyoustrong · 21/09/2023 20:12

I'm not sure I would say why tbh. I think it's about future proofing yourself. Once the feelings have passed, you might regret having said something. Your future self will thank you. I'd pull back gently and phase yourself out.

This.

Knitgoodwoman · 21/09/2023 21:15

@F0Xintherain has he ever given you a reason to think he feels the same? If not, admitting it will be the end to the friendship.
I’d slowly start replying less and less. I’ve done this to friends when I’m busy/I want to distance myself a bit.
He won’t think much of it.
I fear you want to tell him about the crush so he then reciprocates and then your marriage is in trouble.

Original poster
F0Xintherain · 21/09/2023 21:52

Knitgoodwoman · 21/09/2023 21:15

@F0Xintherain has he ever given you a reason to think he feels the same? If not, admitting it will be the end to the friendship.
I’d slowly start replying less and less. I’ve done this to friends when I’m busy/I want to distance myself a bit.
He won’t think much of it.
I fear you want to tell him about the crush so he then reciprocates and then your marriage is in trouble.

It's a she actually. I'm also female. I don't think it would be reciprocated, it's all in my head. I'm still stewing on this honestly. I don't know what to do. I keep thinking I can do it, just pretend I don't have the feelings but then I obsess about them all day.
Thanks for the thoughtful responses

OP posts:
Hillsmakeyoustrong · 21/09/2023 22:14

I think being friends down the line is something you might have an open palm on for now. It's not possible to truly let go of someone and hold onto them at the same time. It's easy for me to say I know. I truly sympathise with your situation.

OSU · 21/09/2023 22:30

Is the person you are married to also female?

If not, have you explored your sexuality recently? I mean in terms of thinking about it and not literally out there exploring.

Original poster
F0Xintherain · 22/09/2023 08:23

OSU · 21/09/2023 22:30

Is the person you are married to also female?

If not, have you explored your sexuality recently? I mean in terms of thinking about it and not literally out there exploring.

No he is male. He's a lovely man but I think about her when I'm with him.

I am bisexual but never really explored it further than a couple of kisses in my early 20s. Didn't actually realise I was then. But I'm sure I am now.

OP posts:
Whataretheodds · 22/09/2023 08:26

F0Xintherain · 21/09/2023 20:33

I really couldn't live with myself hurting them like that

Show quote history

But you're ok with staying in an inappropriate conversation?

I think you say "I need to step away for a while to sort my head out. I hope you can appreciate that means no contact for a while. Take care" then block. You can unblock when you're ready.

"I can't block them, we've been friends six years." If this is necessary to avoid cheating, and they are really your friend, they will understand.

Highdaysandholidays1 · 22/09/2023 11:26

Perhaps the issue of the marriage and your sexuality and this friend are all more separate than you think and you need to step back from the friend to work the first two out. Just be busy. I think your friend might know how you feel anyway if you are texting daily (are they out?) and seeing them as the most important source of emotional support. That's not tenable in a marriage long-term, whatever your eventual destination.

Original poster
F0Xintherain · 22/09/2023 13:05

Highdaysandholidays1 · 22/09/2023 11:26

Perhaps the issue of the marriage and your sexuality and this friend are all more separate than you think and you need to step back from the friend to work the first two out. Just be busy. I think your friend might know how you feel anyway if you are texting daily (are they out?) and seeing them as the most important source of emotional support. That's not tenable in a marriage long-term, whatever your eventual destination.

She isn't attracted to women as far as I'm aware.
I do wonder if they are separate issues. There isn't really anything wrong with our marriage other than me having a secret.
I never said she was my emotional support. I have other friends. We share an interest and also have a laugh

OP posts:
Original poster
F0Xintherain · 22/09/2023 13:06

I think you say "I need to step away for a while to sort my head out. I hope you can appreciate that means no contact for a while. Take care" then block. You can unblock when you're ready.

I could possibly say something like this but without the blocking

OP posts:
Nagado · 22/09/2023 14:09

F0Xintherain · 21/09/2023 20:33

I really couldn't live with myself hurting them like that

Show quote history

I would hope that not hurting your husband would be higher in your list of priorities than your friend. If you don’t want this situation to deteriorate to a stage where everyone gets hurt, then you need to make some difficult decisions. Otherwise you’ll lose your marriage and your friend.

I can't block them, we've been friends six years You can block her. You just don’t want to.

Original poster
F0Xintherain · 22/09/2023 18:25

Well I've managed all day to be rude and not respond to her good morning message

OP posts:
Highdaysandholidays1 · 22/09/2023 19:13

If you don't offer an explanation, then it is a bit rude, just perhaps let her know you are going to be busy, and not catching up as frequently.

I think texting someone daily things like 'good morning' is quite intimate/involved in the day to day, whatever you say. I certainly don't have friends I text daily though and I know that's some people's thing, no-one would notice if I didn't text them for a few days for sure! If you text daily I think it's worth offering her an explanation, she will wonder what's up.

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