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Original poster

I told my elderly mum she's manipulative and made her cry

34 replies

Tummy54 · 21/09/2023 18:43

Sorry, longer than I intended!
My elderly mum is obese, disabled and lives alone. She can barely walk due to her size, heart failure and pain issues. I have supported her to the best of my ability since her husband died 10 years ago, visiting her a minimum of twice weekly for 4 hour visits (I live 45 mins away) whilst also working part time and having school age children to manage (Im a single parent.) Unfortunately, the last few years I have developed health issues of my own and so I have had to cut back on what I do for her - I no longer do her housework or gardening, and she pays people to do that. I have recently told her that I am getting very close to not being able to take her out in her wheelchair - she is 20+ stone and I just cant manage it any more.

The problem I have is that she is manipulative - if I say I cant manage something then she replies, 'Well I'll have to do it then.' And she'll start trying to lug a heavy box around for example, so I have to step in and do it before she falls or has a heart attack! Tough if it triggers back pain for me. I have to take her to the GP tomorrow, in the wheelchair....incidentally, she could ask for home visits from the GP, but she wont...and as part of that trip she now wants me to take her shopping too ie also push her to the store and around the store. I reminded her that I really cant manage to push her far these days...so she says in a huff, 'Well I'll walk then.' which is ridiculous because she cant, but has the desired effect of making me feel guilty.

I have suggested moving closer to me into sheltered housing...I have suggested she get more help in eg a care worker visit a few times a week, someone younger and fitter than me ought to be able to push her if needed (She gets attendance allowance so has the money.) But she just refuses and says she doesn't need the help, shes fine. What she actually means is, she'd rather I did it all.

I got cross with her last week. She asked me to move some 50l bags of compost from one place to another, I said I'd rather not, couldnt the gardener do it (I have back problems.) I look round and shes trying to drag one herself, the other hand on her zimmer frame. I rush over and take over of course. I then told her that she'd done that to make me move it. She got really huffy, and phoned me later to tell me I had upset her and made her cry saying that. However, this is what she does. She will even cut off her nose to spite her face at times, saying that if I wont take her (eg for a vaccination,) then she wont go.

So how do I manage her? She is doing my head in! I cant just step back because theres no one to step up 😫

OP posts:
floofbag · 21/09/2023 18:49

My mum does this but I won't back down . I'm not being her slave . I go once a week and do what I can. It's your mum fault she is so obese so she can't blame you.

Can she buy an electric wheelchair or mobility scooter . Pushing someone that heavy is madness !

Justmuddlingalong · 21/09/2023 18:49

You can, absolutely, step back, but her guilt tripping and manipulation of you keeps you going back.
Every time you refuse to do something and she attempts to do it herself, you step up and do it. That is her plan. She won't change, she doesn't have to. So, you have to change. Or else, this is your future for the foreseeable.

MrsTwartle · 21/09/2023 18:53

You need to stop stepping in. You know she’s playing you, so don’t join the game.

Tell her you can’t take her to the GP and stand by that.

The only person who can change things here is you.

UpaladderwatchingTV · 21/09/2023 18:53

OP does she claim PIP? If so, then she could apply for a Motability scooter which would only use part of the PIP allowance that she would get, and would help her to get around without assistance.

Original poster
Tummy54 · 21/09/2023 18:55

I have suggested a mobility scooter, but no to that as well...

OP posts:
NorthCliffs · 21/09/2023 18:55

Walk away. Let her fall or hurt herself (she won't). If she has no boundaries then you must.

LusaBatoosa · 21/09/2023 18:57

You don’t ‘have to’ do any of this. I understand that you think you do, but you need to step back and realise that’s not the case.

How old is she, out of interest?

Original poster
Tummy54 · 21/09/2023 18:58

@NorthCliffs Im worried about having to pick up the pieces if she does fall etc though. I feel like she has me over a barrel.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tummy54 · 21/09/2023 18:58

@LusaBatoosa She is 83

OP posts:
LittleOwl153 · 21/09/2023 19:01

She is absolutely manipulating you and you were not wrong to tell her that... no matter how many tears she sheds, crocodile or otherwise.

The question is how much damage are you going to have to do to yourself in order to allow yourself to stop being manipulated.

You don't say how old your kids are... but as a single parent they NEED you as fit and well as you can be. Your mother can absolutely do things differently she just likes making you run around after her i suspect. Maybe it's a power trip... maybe it's a control thing... maybe she doesn't believe you have health issues so she's testing you... who cares! You need to stop. Yes she will cry, and probably tantrum... like a toddler... did you give into your kids toddler tantrums?

Tell her she needs to get a powered chair... and not one that needs lifting into the car.. chairs for folks that heavy are themselves very heavy. She'll need to find somewhere to park it at home that she can use it by herself. She doesn't want to... oh dear... oh well... she'll have to find another way of getting out and about that doesn't involve you won't she!

Give yourself permission to step back. She will find someone else to manipulate...

Herecomesthemoon · 21/09/2023 19:03

It's hard work pushing a wheelchair even with an average size adult in it. If you are not very fit and strong, it is unreasonable for your mother to expect to be pushed.
She could also get shopping delivered. If she cannot manage to do a online order, it would be easier for you to help with that than doing heavy physical tasks.
Could you refer to social services and see what kind of help is available? If your mother won't accept any other suggestions and you are not physically able, there's no easy answer.

BiscuitsandPuffin · 21/09/2023 19:04

Look my DM was an expert at this. Eventually I had to step back because she phoned the police on me and accused me of something I didn't do. They didn't charge me because it was clearly nonsense, but they warned me to stop visiting her as she might accuse me of something more believable next time.

I was terrified about how she would cope, but letting go meant she had to accept the help from elsewhere. Honestly they won't let themselves fester and die, as soon as you cut off their supply of attention and withdraw your services as servant they mysteriously get themselves sorted another way.

Justmuddlingalong · 21/09/2023 19:07

Have you ever heard of the saying "why have a dog and bark yourself?" It appears your DM has.

BashfulClam · 21/09/2023 19:09

She does the BECAUSE you jump in. If she starts trying to humph furniture she will stop once it once it’s apparent that she can’t actually do it and you aren’t rising to the manipulation. Seriously just don’t next time, she’ll atop
Pretty fast.

Almahart · 21/09/2023 19:10

You are a single parent, you NEED to put your health and wellbeing first for the sake of yourself and your children. You could make yourself seriously ill if you carry on like this.

GrannyAchingsShepherdsHut · 21/09/2023 19:11

She is manipulative, you're right. So is the crying.

This is going to sound really harsh, because your default is to rush in and 'care'. This isn't about 'not caring' it's about preserving yourself so you can actually help her where she actually needs you to.

When she starts doing stupid things, leave. Say 'mum, I've told you I can't do it. I'm not going to stand here while you try to make me. I'll see you on Thursday.' then walk away, and go home.

She's not going to carry on with no audience, is she. She'll wait for the gardener. She might tell you she did it, but you'll know it's BS.

You have to make it no advantage for her to do those things, or she won't stop.

If you seriously injure yourself who is going to help her with the things she really does need you to do? Who is going to look after you? Who is going to look after your DC?

My DM cared for my much less heavy DGM, and struggled with the wheelchair, but carried on against her better judgement. One day she slipped while pushing down hill, fell backwards, and pulled DGM and the chair over backwards on top of herself. DGM was fine, if shaken up, but DM really hurt herself - nothing broken by some miracle, but permenant ligament damage.

You know you can't push the chair. You have to say no. At the moment there's no reason for her to have an electric one because you push her. Stop. You're going to hurt her and yourself.

AMuser · 21/09/2023 19:12

She can only manipulate you if you allow yourself to be manipulated

Joeylove88 · 21/09/2023 19:18

You really do need to step back and try to control the feeling of guilt at not taking over when she uses her tactics to reel you in. She can rightly recieve all sorts of help from carers and get an electric wheelchair but until you put your boundaries up and keep them up she will carry on using you. Her age is irrelevant in this scenario and you matter too! Stop doing this before you cause irreversible damage to yourself.

LindorDoubleChoc · 21/09/2023 19:19

I don't find it easy pushing my 10 stone mother around in a wheelchair so why she (or you) thinks pushing someone twice the weight around is an acceptable ask is beyond me. She needs a mobility scooter at the very least.

TrashedSofa · 21/09/2023 19:20

You're middle aged and have health problems. If you move enough 50 litre compost bags around, you're going to injure yourself and won't be able to do anything.

Original poster
Tummy54 · 21/09/2023 19:23

Thank you all...needed to hear that.

OP posts:
AcclimDD · 21/09/2023 19:23

UpaladderwatchingTV · 21/09/2023 18:53

OP does she claim PIP? If so, then she could apply for a Motability scooter which would only use part of the PIP allowance that she would get, and would help her to get around without assistance.

You can't claim PIP at 83. It's for working age people who are disabled.

NorthCliffs · 21/09/2023 19:28

Tummy54 · 21/09/2023 18:58

@NorthCliffs Im worried about having to pick up the pieces if she does fall etc though. I feel like she has me over a barrel.

And it's that fear that's keeping you trapped. Ask yourself, what would happen if you died before her? She'd manage, that's what. You've convinced yourself that you're indispensable. The sad truth is you're not, and you need to realise that.

TrashedSofa · 21/09/2023 19:28

Ultimately, you can't make yourself and your middle aged dodgy back be able to safely and sustainably push around twenty odd stone. There isn't any amount of duty and self-sacrifice that'll make it possible.

Henryhover · 21/09/2023 19:31

Definitely start taking a back step on it all, the more you do the more she'd expect and that's not fair on you!!

As for her mobility, I'd refuse to wheel her around and tell her she needs a scooter and if she says no then say oh well I'm not pushing you around and hurting myself in the process!