I told my elderly mum she's manipulative and made her cry

[Tummy54]

Sorry, longer than I intended!
My elderly mum is obese, disabled and lives alone. She can barely walk due to her size, heart failure and pain issues. I have supported her to the best of my ability since her husband died 10 years ago, visiting her a minimum of twice weekly for 4 hour visits (I live 45 mins away) whilst also working part time and having school age children to manage (Im a single parent.) Unfortunately, the last few years I have developed health issues of my own and so I have had to cut back on what I do for her - I no longer do her housework or gardening, and she pays people to do that. I have recently told her that I am getting very close to not being able to take her out in her wheelchair - she is 20+ stone and I just cant manage it any more.

The problem I have is that she is manipulative - if I say I cant manage something then she replies, 'Well I'll have to do it then.' And she'll start trying to lug a heavy box around for example, so I have to step in and do it before she falls or has a heart attack! Tough if it triggers back pain for me. I have to take her to the GP tomorrow, in the wheelchair....incidentally, she could ask for home visits from the GP, but she wont...and as part of that trip she now wants me to take her shopping too ie also push her to the store and around the store. I reminded her that I really cant manage to push her far these days...so she says in a huff, 'Well I'll walk then.' which is ridiculous because she cant, but has the desired effect of making me feel guilty.

I have suggested moving closer to me into sheltered housing...I have suggested she get more help in eg a care worker visit a few times a week, someone younger and fitter than me ought to be able to push her if needed (She gets attendance allowance so has the money.) But she just refuses and says she doesn't need the help, shes fine. What she actually means is, she'd rather I did it all.

I got cross with her last week. She asked me to move some 50l bags of compost from one place to another, I said I'd rather not, couldnt the gardener do it (I have back problems.) I look round and shes trying to drag one herself, the other hand on her zimmer frame. I rush over and take over of course. I then told her that she'd done that to make me move it. She got really huffy, and phoned me later to tell me I had upset her and made her cry saying that. However, this is what she does. She will even cut off her nose to spite her face at times, saying that if I wont take her (eg for a vaccination,) then she wont go.

So how do I manage her? She is doing my head in! I cant just step back because theres no one to step up 😫

Get a brochure for mobility scooters for her. Leave it just as your heading out the door and remind her your unable and unwilling to push her wheelchair anymore. Her reaction will tell you how important you and your health are to her.

Your mum absolutely needs a mobility scooter. Tell her that if she doesn't get one, you won't be turning up to help her.
She can't expect you to push her in a wheelchair. You might be physically able to do it in a flat, smooth pavement, but what will you do about kerbs and hills? It isn't possible.

You should look at having boundaries as putting your children first- because if you end up bed bound or in hospital from over helping who will care for your kids?!
tell her no, be strong and walk away - if she starts dragging compost or pulling heavy things leave the house . She will stop when she doesn’t have an audience.

You can't change her behaviour but you can change yours.

Next time she says she will do something herself shrug and tell her ' well I'll be off and let you get on with it then'. And leave instantly. Without an audience for her martyrdom she will make other arrangements.

When are you next due to see her? Tell her you can't come because you hurt your back doing X for her and the doctor says no driving further than 10 minutes. You can go further in a week but if you try to push her or lug stuff round you will end up in a wheelchair yourself so are under strict instructions not to. And mean it! Don't go for a week so that she finds out what it is like without having you at all, it may be the only thing that will get her to rethink.

Edited for typo.

1. if your mum has capacity and makes bad decisions that's on her not you.
2. you need to look after yourself or your no good to anyone. In the popular phrase on here you have to put your own oxygen mask on first.

My mum 89 is also Similar, relies on her children for everything and never leaves home, the shit is going to hit the fan because I’ve raised a safeguarding concern with adult social care and they are going to visit her. She will hit the roof and I am worrying about the backlash
she is leaving gas and water taps on, burning food and leaving pans on and I am worried about her but I will be accused of trying to get her into a care home. She once tried to punch me when I had to call an ambulance for her following a. Fall.

You tell her she’s being manipulative and, surprise surprise, she responds by trying to manipulate you!

She’s making a token effort to lug these heavy things about because she knows that you will step in and do what she wants as soon as you see her doing it. You never arrive to her showing you what she’s done in between your visits, do you? I guarantee you that if you didn’t jump up, she’d carry on for a couple of minutes before giving up in a temper because you aren’t reacting how you’re supposed to. You spend a total of 8 hours a week with her. She manages perfectly ok the rest of the time and she will manage perfectly ok if you step back.

There is someone else who will help her. That is what her attendance allowance is for. She just doesn’t want to use it to pay for someone. Why would she pay when you’ll do it for free and will put up with all sorts of nonsense that a carer wouldn’t accept? Why would she buy a mobility scooter when she can bully you into pushing her about in a wheelchair?

Your priority must be your health. You have children to care for and you don’t want to put them in the same position that she’s put you in; that of unpaid carer.

I have had to be really firm with my dad. We can’t go out with the old wheelchair, because you are too heavy for me to push you. If you want me to go out with you, you will need to get a decent level electric wheelchair.
Stand firm and be firm. Old all people get lonely. They go from being the centre of the family to being on their own.