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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husbands makes plans without discussing first..

43 replies

Bingbangboo64 · 21/09/2023 10:59

Annoying habit to me but you are all welcome to put me in my place if i am being an unreasonable nag :) So husband wfh full time we have young children at home, sometimes i make plans,lets say weather is nice to go out after husbands work and take kids to the beach etc, then my husbands informs me he has already made plans to take his mum somewhere. I have asked him in the past to let me know if he has any plans like today i wanted to take kids out after his work, got grocery shopping delivered home to make sure he dosent have to go out shopping and he tells me he has promised to go shopping with his mum. It used to be that he went on saturdays cancelling out half of a saturday i made a fuss asked him to make plans with his mums on friday afternoons now its like random times i never know when he has plans,i find out by an accident when i ask him if we can do this or that. MIL and FIL both retired, FIL has never done full shop for his household,ever,like in 40yrs- he is stuck in medieval ages thinking women have to do the cleaning/shopping and cooking while he just enjoys his retirement, to help his mum out my husband gets involved and ends up being spread over two households. Other day washing machine needed replacing my husband ordered it FIL as usual wanted nothing to do with it, anything needs fixing my husbands steps in etc

OP posts:
Sirzy · 21/09/2023 11:02

but you hadn’t told him you had made plans either?

Original poster
Bingbangboo64 · 21/09/2023 11:05

Sort of lets say i had an idea at night and i see him at the breakfast table and i am like hey what if we do this today..he is like uhm sorry cant i promised my mum yesterday/laat week etc i going out with her

OP posts:
TomatoSandwiches · 21/09/2023 11:07

So basically he is in a husband role to his mum because his father is lazy and useless and seemingly you are wife no2 and you get put last.

Sunnydays0101 · 21/09/2023 11:13

Maybe have a family calendar in the kitchen and each fill it in when something is arranged. Also explain to your DH that you look after the kids during the day, once he finishes work for the day it’s team-work, so you both need to to check with one another before committing to something so one parent is available to take care of the kids.

Maybe don’t plan any after work outings with the kids during the week days, bring them out yourself during the day, then you can each have time during the week to do your own thing.

Lookingforasilverlining · 21/09/2023 11:15

The big issue here is he is making planning and expecting you to just look after the kids by yourself while he toddles off with his Mum.

Freezingcoldinseptember · 21/09/2023 11:16

Next time he has plans that involve opting out of family /parenting you grab dc's coats and send them all off....

ZebraD · 21/09/2023 11:16

So FIL sees shopping as a woman’s job even though his son does it?! He isn’t in medieval times he is lazy!

HairyKitty · 21/09/2023 11:17

Sirzy · 21/09/2023 11:02

but you hadn’t told him you had made plans either?

Weird. Obviously the spouse in a normal cohabiting family with kids shouldn’t need to check with her husband every single day to see if he’s arranged to do something with mil during shared parenting time.
He needs to take responsibility for informing you when he makes these plans. I expect he will agree and then fail to remember for a while. Or he might try to argue that why should he since he should be able to do whatever he wants after work 🙄.

Therealjudgejudy · 21/09/2023 11:19

Hes a big mummys boy.

How unattractive

Coffeepot72 · 21/09/2023 11:20

TomatoSandwiches · 21/09/2023 11:07

So basically he is in a husband role to his mum because his father is lazy and useless and seemingly you are wife no2 and you get put last.

This

CantThinkOfANameAtAll · 21/09/2023 11:20

I have/had a DH like yours and I put up with it for decades. It basically boils down to him thinking he can behave as a single man with zero childrearing or family responsibilities as they are "women work". You have married an entitled, selfish man.

Try marriage counselling to get him to see you are supposed to be a partnership but also think long and hard about letting him go. A selfish man rarely sees the light as he thinks you are just being a needy nag.

MargotBamborough · 21/09/2023 11:23

How did your MIL used to do her shopping when her children were young? Has your husband ever not lived near his parents? Surely there must have been some point in time at which your MIL either managed to do her own shopping or your FIL helped.

I'm all for people helping their elderly mums but at a certain point compromises need to be made. Like for example my grandma never drove. So when my grandad was alive he used to drive them to the supermarket. After he died one of her children would sort out regular online shops for bulky, heavy or long life stuff, and if one of them was staying with her of course they would take her to the shops, but other than that, if she wanted to go and pick out her own fruit and veg she got a bus into town and did that by herself. Literally until she died at the age of 92.

In more general terms you and your husband need to communicate better and he should ideally run it past you before making a commitment to help his mother, or at least tell you as soon as he's promised to do so, to avoid you making clashing plans.

ohtowinthelottery · 21/09/2023 11:24

Are MIL and FIL not able to drive?

Original poster
Bingbangboo64 · 21/09/2023 11:30

ohtowinthelottery · 21/09/2023 11:24

Are MIL and FIL not able to drive?

Neither drives FIL tactic has been to let MIL take a bus to the shops for the 40+ years and carry all the shopping by herself. Meanwhile he also takes a bus to the town but to go to the pub/bookies etc hut never to help out MIL. I kind of understand why my husband wants to help his mum but as mentioned by previous posters, dont think my husband should be filling in FILs role when he is abled bodied and has all day every day to go out to help MIL out.

OP posts:
Hufflepods · 21/09/2023 11:34

It sounds like you both need to improve communication. It isn't really fair that you make plans without consulting him but he's at fault for doing the same.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 21/09/2023 11:34

Whenever he springs these last mi items things on you "and what do you plan on doing with the children while you do that?"

Because "well, you'll be home" is all sorts of wrong! And that's where I'd focus the discussion.

Your commitment to the children is caring for them whilst dh is out at work. Any non work/non commuting time is shared, and as such any plans for that time need a conversation.

SchadenfreudeIstMeinMittelname · 21/09/2023 11:37

Bingbangboo64 · 21/09/2023 11:30

Neither drives FIL tactic has been to let MIL take a bus to the shops for the 40+ years and carry all the shopping by herself. Meanwhile he also takes a bus to the town but to go to the pub/bookies etc hut never to help out MIL. I kind of understand why my husband wants to help his mum but as mentioned by previous posters, dont think my husband should be filling in FILs role when he is abled bodied and has all day every day to go out to help MIL out.

Show quote history

Has nobody in your family ever heard of supermarket deliveries?

ManateeFair · 21/09/2023 11:43

It's not actually the 'making plans without discussing first' that you have a problem with, is it? It's that you think he sees too much of his mum. You would be annoyed about not being able to take the kids somewhere spontaneously even if 'Take Mum to supermarket' had been on the calendar for a week.

It does sound like his parents are over-reliant on him and that he is spending more time on them than he is on you and his kids.

80skid · 21/09/2023 11:45

And that's why we have a shared calendar. It takes some getting used to, but it's well worth it. If his whereabouts are relevant to you in terms of childcare or availability to do something as a family, pop it in the calendar. It's not asking permission, just giving advanced notice

Nagado · 21/09/2023 11:45

I completely understand that he wants to help his mum but he needs to tell you what he’s doing. Perhaps a family calendar would help? If it’s not on there, it’s not happening. Or one specific day a week, where he takes her shopping and does any jobs that she needs doing. You know not to make any plans for Thursday afternoons and he knows that shopping trips have to wait until then.

Maybe point out that he’s just repeating the cycle. A dad leaves his wife to run the house and bring up kids by herself because he puts himself before his family. Her son steps in and leaves his own wife to run the house and bring up kids by herself because he’s putting his mum before his wife and children.

Goldbar · 21/09/2023 11:52

"Great, you can take the kids with you while I get on with stuff. Toodeloo!"

Passepartoute · 21/09/2023 12:15

Has he suggested online shopping to his mum?

How often is he going out with her? If she is only shopping for two people I would have thought she doesn't really need to shop more than once every ten days or so.

Pumpkinpie1 · 21/09/2023 12:26

You both need to sit down and have a serious talk. You resent him for putting others before the family you made together- understandable. Husband feels ……. ?
His mum needs help but this needs to come from herself being more assertive and husband not her son.
Online shopping sounds like a good first step. Encouraging her to be more independent, make friends etc Could husband have an agreed day to go, maybe take grandkids etc?
This adhoc arrangement isn’t working. Does OP not get along with her MIL? and is husband overcompensating?

Beautiful3 · 21/09/2023 12:51

It's nice he's helping his mum, but he'd be better assigning the same time and day every week. So you know not to book anything that coincides.

Original poster
Bingbangboo64 · 21/09/2023 13:34

Hufflepods · 21/09/2023 11:34

It sounds like you both need to improve communication. It isn't really fair that you make plans without consulting him but he's at fault for doing the same.

My plans were not set in stone or anything, as i said had an idea at night and asked him first thing in the morning about my idea for the evening- to find out he had already made plans days or week before. I cant see how can improve on that,ofc my plans get dropped as he has made plans with his mums so they are set

OP posts: