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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Husbands makes plans without discussing first..

43 replies

Bingbangboo64 · 21/09/2023 10:59

Annoying habit to me but you are all welcome to put me in my place if i am being an unreasonable nag :) So husband wfh full time we have young children at home, sometimes i make plans,lets say weather is nice to go out after husbands work and take kids to the beach etc, then my husbands informs me he has already made plans to take his mum somewhere. I have asked him in the past to let me know if he has any plans like today i wanted to take kids out after his work, got grocery shopping delivered home to make sure he dosent have to go out shopping and he tells me he has promised to go shopping with his mum. It used to be that he went on saturdays cancelling out half of a saturday i made a fuss asked him to make plans with his mums on friday afternoons now its like random times i never know when he has plans,i find out by an accident when i ask him if we can do this or that. MIL and FIL both retired, FIL has never done full shop for his household,ever,like in 40yrs- he is stuck in medieval ages thinking women have to do the cleaning/shopping and cooking while he just enjoys his retirement, to help his mum out my husband gets involved and ends up being spread over two households. Other day washing machine needed replacing my husband ordered it FIL as usual wanted nothing to do with it, anything needs fixing my husbands steps in etc

OP posts:

WhatsMyDream · 21/09/2023 13:38

Nagado · 21/09/2023 11:45

I completely understand that he wants to help his mum but he needs to tell you what he’s doing. Perhaps a family calendar would help? If it’s not on there, it’s not happening. Or one specific day a week, where he takes her shopping and does any jobs that she needs doing. You know not to make any plans for Thursday afternoons and he knows that shopping trips have to wait until then.

Maybe point out that he’s just repeating the cycle. A dad leaves his wife to run the house and bring up kids by herself because he puts himself before his family. Her son steps in and leaves his own wife to run the house and bring up kids by herself because he’s putting his mum before his wife and children.

What a great point!!

Original poster

Bingbangboo64 · 21/09/2023 13:40

Pumpkinpie1 · 21/09/2023 12:26

You both need to sit down and have a serious talk. You resent him for putting others before the family you made together- understandable. Husband feels ……. ?
His mum needs help but this needs to come from herself being more assertive and husband not her son.
Online shopping sounds like a good first step. Encouraging her to be more independent, make friends etc Could husband have an agreed day to go, maybe take grandkids etc?
This adhoc arrangement isn’t working. Does OP not get along with her MIL? and is husband overcompensating?

I get along with MIL it would be fairer to say FIL behaviour is annoying, even MIL herself has threatened divorce 100x because he is doing nothing around the house and expects her to cook clean do shopping run the household and deliver meals to his lap while he watches tv all day/only time he goes out is the pub/bookies- i dont want my DH family time after work to suffer because of his behaviour, if MiL wants to accomodate that then its fine for her but i dont but i kind of have to because of my husband because he wants to help his mum

OP posts:

Original poster

Bingbangboo64 · 21/09/2023 13:57

Passepartoute · 21/09/2023 12:15

Has he suggested online shopping to his mum?

How often is he going out with her? If she is only shopping for two people I would have thought she doesn't really need to shop more than once every ten days or so.

1-2 a week shopping, docs apps/hospital apps for mil and fil, if fil wants anything from non food shop my husband takes him, sometimes if they go out my husband again takes them to the social club etc. pretty much every time when fil dosent want to pay for a taxi

OP posts:

CurlewKate · 21/09/2023 14:18

@TomatoSandwiches "So basically he is in a husband role to his mum because his father is lazy and useless and seemingly you are wife no2 and you get put last."

"Husband role"???

2jacqi · 21/09/2023 14:34

to be honest, both MIL and FIL are absolutely taking the piss with your husband!!! it is not your hubby's job to help MIL on a regular basis! His job is to help his wife and look after children. Is he the only child of inlaws??? does MIL go online at all?? why cant she do an online shop?? did she not want to choose her own washing machine?? what is wrong with getting a taxi home with shopping like other people do???? I certainly would be doing all those things myself and I am 70 years old!!

Passepartoute · 21/09/2023 14:37

Bingbangboo64 · 21/09/2023 13:57

Show quote history

If your FIL is that bloody lazy, I would suggest that, as a minimum, your DH stops enabling him. If he doesn't want to pay for a taxi or take public transport, he doesn't go.

Storminthesky · 22/09/2023 11:16

Freezingcoldinseptember · 21/09/2023 11:16

Next time he has plans that involve opting out of family /parenting you grab dc's coats and send them all off....

This right here. If he's doing it to get out of looking after the children too. I'd be sending them along as well!

Dementedmumof2 · 22/09/2023 12:46

I think maybe take into account the responsibility your husband feels to help his parents out. He obviously feels his mum needs the help and his dad won't do it so if he doesn't help her who will. I'm in a similar situation however my mum has passed away and it's my dad I'm having to help as well as run my own home with my husband and children. It's not easy and very draining especially when my husband moans about it adding to the guilt that is already felt for not having more family time. Maybe try and be a bit more understanding to the situation it could be worse he could be a horrible man who takes nothing to do with his mum and her health and wellbeing.

NatMoz · 22/09/2023 12:54

You are definitely avoiding the comments where DH can take your children with him.

Why doesn't he do this OP?

GreatGardenstuff · 22/09/2023 15:35

I think the problem here is that he thinks his time outside working hours is his own to do with as he pleases, instead of it being a time where he is equally responsible for the kids and home etc.

He’s assuming that you are the default parent 24hrs a day so he can do what he wants, when he wants, once he’s finished ‘work’.

I’d start going out yourself, without advance warning, and leaving him home with the kids to sort out. See if he makes the connection

LadyDanburysHat · 22/09/2023 15:42

GreatGardenstuff · 22/09/2023 15:35

I think the problem here is that he thinks his time outside working hours is his own to do with as he pleases, instead of it being a time where he is equally responsible for the kids and home etc.

He’s assuming that you are the default parent 24hrs a day so he can do what he wants, when he wants, once he’s finished ‘work’.

I’d start going out yourself, without advance warning, and leaving him home with the kids to sort out. See if he makes the connection

I agree with this. My DH could be like the in the past when our DC were small. It doesn't matter that he's not doing something for himself, like an MN hobby. He thinks his time is free to choose what he is going to do as you are there as a default to look after the DC.

I had a huge argument with my DH once as he would just go somewhere after work rather than straight home at a time I expected him. He said I just had to ask if I wanted to do something. He couldn't see that was why I was mad. He could do whatever, whenever as I was already at home with the DC, as I worked part time. I had to ask, request the time. He just did it.

cuddlebear · 22/09/2023 15:46

I’m a bit confused why you can’t do the stuff you want whilst DH does boring shopping trips? Do you only have one car?

Maybe if he was actually missing out on nice fun things, he would be more likely to say no?

Either way, you and DC shouldn’t miss out. I would plan lots of nice things and see where that gets you.

LittleMissUnreasonable · 22/09/2023 15:49

I feel sorry for the DH here. He's been at work all day and has his mum guilt tripping him into taking her shopping, and OP guilt tripping him further because he's made plans.

OP you were annoyed at him for doing the shop with him mum on Saturday as it ate into 'family time', now you're saying after work is also family time....when's your husband meant to see his friends/extended family if you've marked everything out as family time.

LogicVoid · 22/09/2023 16:37

Communicate your dissatisfaction. Discuss fair solutions. Stop putting your own family life on hold regardless - get out there on your own with the children if he chooses not to compromise.

Mostlyoblivious · 25/09/2023 12:34

You need to talk to your husband about how he allocates his time and how you would like him to allocate his time. You both need to work through this so you can have the spontaneity you want and he can help his parents but both in balance

Financiallyopposite · 25/09/2023 13:03

We have a family calendar in the kitchen, plans, work schedules (if different to norm, overtime etc), kids events, parties etc all go on there and that is what we live by!

StillWantingADog · 25/09/2023 13:06

Two different issues here

he makes plans without telling you
he helps his mum over and above helping you

2 is tricky and needs a serious discussion. 1 should be more straightforward. When either me or dh make plans (and that includes him helping his dm as she is on her own) we send invites to each others (electronic) diaries immediately. We only have one car so it’s pretty essential to know what the other is doing but is good manners anyway

Cornwallsummer · 25/09/2023 13:09

Is there an amount of time you would be happy with him spending with his mother? You didn't like the weekend, you don't like the after work. I imagine he feels guilty that he can't even help his parents without it being a problem.
Yes it sounds like they take the piss at times expecting too much but it seems you don't want him to do anything for them
If you want to go to the beach or whatever then go, it doesn't take both of you

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