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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How do you survive and keep your job with childhood sickness

96 replies

posha · 21/09/2023 07:32

I'm in the fortunate position that I mostly work from home. But my children are young, 3 and 1. At nursery.
No family help nearby and no DH help either really.

I've not got much annual leave left either. It's going to be a struggle. They've not been able to go in most of the week and I have somehow managed to be in a few calls during nap times, but definitely haven't been able to put in my hours as I usually would. At night I'm too exhausted because of course, they keep me up most of the night when they're ill too.

Any advice how you cope ?

OP posts:
Summermeadowflowers · 21/09/2023 08:40

My husband does his fair share but even so, you do find yourself struggling, especially if one child then another gets ill. We have nobody else who can help either @Coffeemakers , it’s tough going. I have been contemplating going down to two days when I go back (currently on maternity leave) not solely for this reason but partly!

ASCCM · 21/09/2023 08:44

OP please don’t quit your job and go on benefits because of this! ( I’m assuming that previous poster has more reason for them both quitting because universal credit isn’t the answer - imagine if every parent was like ‘oh it’s too hard so we BOTH are going to live off benefits instead!?!)

It gets easier, they get less sick as they get older. I have quite a flexible job luckily so used to make up time in the evenings etc or take unpaid leave if it was longer term.

have you talked to your workplace about how they can help you manage it?

Spendonsend · 21/09/2023 08:45

It will get better. They will get through chicken pox, slap cheek their 8 colds a year and a few rounds of tummy bugs.

My DH lived and worked abroad at that stage, so it wasn't practical for him to fly home to look after a child with a cold. I ended up part-time flexible so i could shift my week around.

Original poster
posha · 21/09/2023 08:46

I would never quit my job because of this

OP posts:
Coffeemakers · 21/09/2023 08:48

ASCCM · 21/09/2023 08:44

OP please don’t quit your job and go on benefits because of this! ( I’m assuming that previous poster has more reason for them both quitting because universal credit isn’t the answer - imagine if every parent was like ‘oh it’s too hard so we BOTH are going to live off benefits instead!?!)

It gets easier, they get less sick as they get older. I have quite a flexible job luckily so used to make up time in the evenings etc or take unpaid leave if it was longer term.

have you talked to your workplace about how they can help you manage it?

I definitely wasn’t recommending it as an option just explaining our situation as we struggled with time off for illness and a royal other things . It’s not ideal at all

Beezknees · 21/09/2023 08:48

I've just been lucky in all honesty, DS hardly ever gets ill. He's 15 now but I can count on 2 hands the number of days off sick he's had in all his time at school. I'm the same though.

Coffeemakers · 21/09/2023 08:48

Various (not royal !!)

Beezknees · 21/09/2023 08:49

Not everyone has a DH by the way.

Loafordeath · 21/09/2023 08:50

It's very difficult but the constant illness does ease off as they get older so hopefully this stage will pass if that gives you hope.

It's difficult to advise when you haven't explained why your DH cannot assist. Because that is the obvious answer and how most people manage this issue.

Totalwasteofpaper · 21/09/2023 08:52

You can take unpaid leave.

Also you really need a firm conversation with your DH about how things will look of you are fired over this (I'd ham it up now before it's really serious,) re: how little cash you wil have... although does he WANT to force you into being a SAHM????

He needs to use annual leave unpaid leave sick leave... something and meet you halfway.
If not you need to do something extreme like explain he needs to cover the night before and literally get out the door at 6am when the kids are sick and work from a cafe and leave him to deal with it. Ignoring the 11 thousand calls and weird threats..

Spendonsend · 21/09/2023 08:55

In terms of tiredness, apparently a twenty minute map works wonders so if you can get tge chikdren to nap (when mine were ill they went sleepy) having your own nap will make you more productive than trying to work in that bit.

Also look at the work you are doing - can you shift bits that need concentrating/accuracy to later in the week and do more routine bits on that day.

Slothmoth · 21/09/2023 08:55

It's bloody hard! DH worked away when DS was small (military) and its only because my employer was incredibly understanding and because DH would take leave whenever he could too even though logistically this was challenging that we got through it. Unless you have tonnes of outside support I don't think there's a magical solution unfortunately, agree with a PP to get them vitamins and ensure a balanced diet and just crawl through it until you're out the other side. Not helpful now but it genuinely does get better.

Mumtime2 · 21/09/2023 08:57

You put your family first and your employer should support you.
I work for a company that has no issues with the leave required as a working parent.
I have been given leave in advance is that possible?
I think the supportive employer I habe still I worry for the years of guilt or expectations on working parents.
I am not in the UK so unsure,, do you get parental leave 5 days paid a year?

MintJulia · 21/09/2023 08:58

DH adapts and covers half of sick leave or he pays for you to be a SAHM. Or finds you a part time nanny.

Working full time with two children under 4 and no help is very difficult.

JohnNolan · 21/09/2023 09:00

The nursery years are the worst - it's much better when they're at school as they've already built up immunity to minor illnesses when they were at nursery.

I've got 12 months between my eldest 2 & we just muddled through as best we could (no wfh then).

I only took leave for 1 week in the summer for a family holiday & 1 week for when nursery was shut between Xmas & new year as nursery was open 51 weeks a year. The rest of our leave was to cover their illnesses.

It only lasted a few years then got a lot better when they started school.

Tdcp · 21/09/2023 09:30

I feel for you OP, it's really hard. We have no family or friends to rely on. My work thankfully, can be flexible when it comes to DD being ill but I do have a lot of work to do. We share the time off but DP earns twice as much as me so if either of us will have a day off it should be me, DD has been off all week this week, thankfully DP had no work on (self employed) so he's off with her, I don't know what I would have done otherwise as we have a show on this week and I can't take the days off right now. I keep thinking a few more years and she's in secondary, I'm not wishing her life away or anything but it will be a lot easier.

thetrainatplatform4 · 21/09/2023 09:47

Really depends on your WFH home job and how flexible it is? I'm a single mum of toddler twins and older one - I can WFH but with client meetings often on site - ex husband isn't around. No family nearby. I generally just batten down the hatches and work whenever they nap or are able to play - make time up first thing in morning evening and weekends. My boss knows i don't take the piss so is ok with this.

dcsp · 21/09/2023 10:01

"no DH help either really."
What do you mean by this? e.g. is it

  1. He refuses to take the day off instead of you taking it.
  2. He doesn't feel confident in being able to look after them properly if he takes the day off.
  3. You don't doesn't confident in him being able to look after them properly if he takes the day off.
  4. He gets significantly less annual leave than you so in order for you to have some holidays together, you use the "additional" days you have before you start to split them evenly.
  5. He's self-employed, so any day off he takes means money coming out of the family budget.
  6. His work isn't flexible enough to allow him to take odd days as holidays (e.g. teacher, oil-rig worker).

If it's 1-3, that needs to change, and soon!

If it's 4 or 5, are you happy with the balance that is struck at present? If not, this needs to change.

If it's 6, then maybe this isn't fixable - but most of those jobs come with an above-average amount of days off across the year, so should balance itself out.

If it's something else, what is it?

olivehaters · 21/09/2023 10:06

We split it between me and my husband. DH has the big paying job but he does just as much. We take it in turns who is off with them. Your kids have two parents. You need to spread the load

Original poster
posha · 21/09/2023 10:12

H self employed. Can't easily take time off

OP posts:
Youcancallmeirrelevant · 21/09/2023 10:18

posha · 21/09/2023 10:12

H self employed. Can't easily take time off

Well he has to. He has a child now, why should it all fall on you, why does he think this is acceptable

blahblahblah1654 · 21/09/2023 10:19

posha · 21/09/2023 10:12

H self employed. Can't easily take time off

It's not easy for anyone to take time off. You still need to split it.

dcsp · 21/09/2023 10:21

posha · 21/09/2023 10:12

H self employed. Can't easily take time off

And are you OK with that?

i.e. are you happy that the benefits of him being self-employed (more money in family budget?) outweigh this drawback? Or maybe they don't but you're reconciled to that because you think it's only a short-term problem?

If you're not OK with that then you need to speak to him about it.

dcsp · 21/09/2023 10:22

blahblahblah1654 · 21/09/2023 10:19

It's not easy for anyone to take time off. You still need to split it.

Show quote history

But the difference is that for someone in a job, taking time of means having less annual leave to spend doing nice things later (i.e. the individual loses out), whereas for a self-employed person it means less income (i.e. the family loses out - assuming all money is shared)

ActDottie · 21/09/2023 10:40

I don’t know how flexible your work is but can you work evenings and then work during nap times in the day? If not then your husband needs to step up and also sacrifice his work.