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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How do you survive and keep your job with childhood sickness

96 replies

posha · 21/09/2023 07:32

I'm in the fortunate position that I mostly work from home. But my children are young, 3 and 1. At nursery.
No family help nearby and no DH help either really.

I've not got much annual leave left either. It's going to be a struggle. They've not been able to go in most of the week and I have somehow managed to be in a few calls during nap times, but definitely haven't been able to put in my hours as I usually would. At night I'm too exhausted because of course, they keep me up most of the night when they're ill too.

Any advice how you cope ?

OP posts:
Hufflepods · 21/09/2023 07:35

If you have a DH then he should be helping just as much considering you also work.
Why is he not helping?

You need to juggle it between you with a mixture of annual leave, dependents leave or just unpaid emergency leave.

Pottedpalm · 21/09/2023 07:35

Well rhis is Mumsnet, so your mother and mother in
law are obliged to drop everything and help you.

KeepTheTempo · 21/09/2023 07:39

DH taking some leave is how you do it.

If he's useless, it's even more reason for you not to do what many women do, and therefore drop more days/hours/money/work altogether, because then you'll be even more stuck.

TheLightProgramme · 21/09/2023 07:40

You become pretty hardened to the fact that you have to send them with the more minor coughs and colds.

Get everyone on a vitamin.

blahblahblah1654 · 21/09/2023 07:41

Your DH needs to split the sick days. Otherwise it's unfair and unimaginable.

Original poster
posha · 21/09/2023 07:41

At the moment they have DV, so I can't send them anywhere !

OP posts:
Coffeemakers · 21/09/2023 07:43

we couldn’t manage so both gave up. I’d gone part time then dh went part time then I gave up then he did 😞 dc have SEN so it was huge amounts of appts plus they get unwell so often (seen v susceptible to things like d and v) so we ended up so stressed and this way for a few years at least we can concentrate on dc. Plan is to go back to work in about 5 years both pt

megletthesecond · 21/09/2023 07:45

Use unpaid parental leave for a weeks holiday in summer. Keep all your annual leave for sick days.
Don't change your job as you have more protection once you've been there two years. Keep weekends quiet and lots of fresh air.

minipeony · 21/09/2023 07:48

Can DH not help? Is he away for work?

Can you work around them? So do some work once they've gone to bed/in naps to make the time up?

Make sure they get their jabs. You can pay for chickenpox if you want to.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 21/09/2023 07:51

I coped because my DH did his fair share. It probably impacted his career more than mine. The response from his boss was "where is your wife?" but he always stood his ground and did his part. From time to time he'd do more and vice versa, it depends how much we both had on at work.
I've been very lucky.

Can you go into an office? Maybe you need more of a dividing line between home and work in your husbands mind too? It also helps to be front and centre with your line management on a regular basis. Be visibly there and hard working.

Octavia64 · 21/09/2023 07:51

I lost a job over it.

I had twins. One got chicken pox and couldn't go to nursery for ages and then the other one went down with it.

Ran out of annual leave.

No recommendations, sorry, other than beg members of extended family.

Sheselectric22 · 21/09/2023 07:51

I'm not going to repeat that your h should split the days because it's not helpful to you. I am absolutely sick of these useless men who carry on like they are single and treat their oh with so little respect, but that's for another day.

You have to just be off with dc. You become immune to the guilt of taking time off. Nothing you can do about it so you just have to take it on the chin. It does get less as they get older I have found.

I'm very fortunate that I have a job that allows lots of flexibility and I manage my own time. I can swap days and hours within reason. It pays well enough for me to work 3 days per week so I can swap days. I trained for this job after I had my first dc to give me that freedom and money. My dc are rarely ill enough to need to be off now they are older. Plus my dh shares the days but that's irrelevant to you.

itsgettingweird · 21/09/2023 07:55

I'm with you find a way to split it.

Even if that means you WFH and do calls etc during day when they nap and he does the evening/ bedtime routine and night wakings so you're not too tired to work evenings to make up the hours.

It's really tough. But it's so worth it sticking through those first few months where they build up their immune system and you keep your career.

Because once school starts you save so much on nursery fees and you keep paying pension contributions etc.

Also make sure you know law like unpaid parental leave.

LegoCatLikesTuna · 21/09/2023 07:56

Coffeemakers · 21/09/2023 07:43

we couldn’t manage so both gave up. I’d gone part time then dh went part time then I gave up then he did 😞 dc have SEN so it was huge amounts of appts plus they get unwell so often (seen v susceptible to things like d and v) so we ended up so stressed and this way for a few years at least we can concentrate on dc. Plan is to go back to work in about 5 years both pt

Sorry to derail, but how do you survive financially if neither of you work? Savings?

Danascully2 · 21/09/2023 07:59

It is easier when they're older (mine are 6 and 9 and can't remember last time they were off school sick) but when they're that age then someone does have to be off with them and can't work at the same time and the days can quickly add up if you have no family help (we didn't either). There are no magic answers I'm afraid for things like DV (much as mumsnet would like to think so) although your dh should be sharing the load. Unpaid parental leave is an important option to be aware of. Good luck!

StillWantingADog · 21/09/2023 08:01

Your dh has to step up and share the burden. Assuming he is present, what’s his excuse?

in the short term see if you can get your boss to agree to unpaid parental leave. You’re def entitled but your employer has a say in when you take it. Had to be week long chunks I think.

Youcancallmeirrelevant · 21/09/2023 08:01

We split the sickness between myself and DH, i would never take on all of it as it isn't solely my responsibility.

If you have a DH then he needs to be taking annual leave days or whatever to do half the days

Kalodi · 21/09/2023 08:02

I'm in the fortunate position where DH has said its my career we are focusing on and so he take the brunt of this. However, we do either use our own "sickness" days (we ring up and say we are the ones who are ill and just bloody hope that we never get ill) and use annual leave.

Clymene · 21/09/2023 08:03

Why isn't your husband taking some of the hit?

EvilElsa · 21/09/2023 08:06

The only way we could do it when mine were that age is DH working the 9-5 and I worked evenings and weekends. Was shit, but got us through the younger years.

Jk987 · 21/09/2023 08:06

It's a joint issue with husband. What's his reason for not bothering?

Coffeemakers · 21/09/2023 08:11

LegoCatLikesTuna · 21/09/2023 07:56

Sorry to derail, but how do you survive financially if neither of you work? Savings?

Show quote history

We used the savings we had at first for a few months then went onto universal credit as dc get DLA so we get carers allowance too . We are just trying to survive till dc a bit older and hopefully not the constant appts and Illnesses, procedures etc etc.

Getabloominmoveon · 21/09/2023 08:18

My kids are grown ups now but I remember well the juggling involved when they were 1 and 3. My husband’s job at the time involved him traveling so he couldn’t always share the load. And neither of us had parents within 100 miles. So I went down to 3 days and I also developed a good network of mums who occasionally could help each other out in emergencies. As others say, make good use of your annual and parental leave.
But the best thing you can do is choose a family-friendly employer who values you and wants to retain your skills.
It may feel endless now, but this is a short phase of your full working (and parenting) life. Don’t give up your job, stay in the game as it will give you huge personal and professional benefits for the future.

Coffeemakers · 21/09/2023 08:21

I do think as well family support can make a huge difference if you’re lucky - do you have anyone who could help @posha ? One of my biggest issues was we literally had nobody yet people we knew who did have parents and other family wiling to help were able to manage sickness so much better than us I was a bit envious !

minipeony · 21/09/2023 08:37

If you work somewhere short staffed that helps too