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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect my own dad to care

29 replies

CrazyDawgLady · 20/09/2023 13:28

I am really struggling financially just now like most people. Just buying food and covering bills has went beyond being a bit tight. I have 3 children 14, 10, 3. I asked my dad if he could help me out with some money to buy food. He said no he couldn't, he didnt have any. He said he only has enough to cover his own bills till he next gets money. I totally understand and appreciate that he is also financially worse off, with the cost of living crisis etc. The thing thats really hurting is he knows i dont have food to fed the kids and not once has he texted or phoned to see if I/we are okay. If it had been one of my kids that had phoned me and i genuinely couldn't help them i would be worried sick. I would have phoned them later that day to see if they had some how managed to get some food. Its been a week now and i haven't heard from him. He never asked how long till i next get paid? He is retired and doesn't have any commitments he is not busy. He sits and waches tv all day. I am an only child so its not like he is busy with other family members. I just cant get my head around the fact that it just feels like he just doesn't give a flying F#$k about me and his grand kids. May i also add my kids only grand parent. I dont know if i should tell him how i feel or ask him why. I just dont even know if its worth it.

OP posts:
Rubyupbeat · 20/09/2023 14:18

He may be feeling bad that he couldn't help you out and is avoiding you, as he is embarrassed. I am sure it's not because he doesn't care.

Jesskitty · 20/09/2023 14:20

You’re not being unreasonable to expect him to care, but none of us will be able to answer this for you. He’s been your Dad your whole life, has he always been distant and uncaring? Is this a new thing?

Have you managed to sort your food situation now?

itsmylife7 · 20/09/2023 14:24

Not meaning to sound uncaring but it's not his responsibility to feed your children.

A grown adult should have basic food in their cupboard.

Where's the children's dad in this situation?

Original poster
CrazyDawgLady · 20/09/2023 14:41

I absolutely get that and dont expect him to bail me out. I had to ask as a last resort. Its the after i cant understand and it hurts. Children's dad is here and recently changed jobs which has thrown our finances totally out of sync added in some unexpected bills (my car which needed fixed to get me to work). Its purely the fact that he knows the situation im in and hasn't asked if we are okay. I have never felt like this before and never not been able feed my kids. Its so scary and feel like i need his moral support more than ever but he just doesn't care.

OP posts:
NonMiDispiace · 20/09/2023 14:46

My father actually withheld our inheritance from each of his parents, a sum that would have made a huge difference to my life 40 years ago - enough for a house deposit. He even said he’d take his money with him to the grave rather than leave any to his DCs and DGCs.

Original poster
CrazyDawgLady · 20/09/2023 14:51

He hasnt always been distant but i feel its getting more so. I have always cleaned his house for him try to include him in anything that we do even just going to the park but he never takes me up on it. If i dont phone or text him first then i just dont hear from him. I want to ask him straight if he just cant be bothered having anything to do with us anymore, but also dont want any conflict and i suppose im a bit scared what he might say.

OP posts:
Original poster
CrazyDawgLady · 20/09/2023 14:55

Thank you i really appreciate your response. I would never of thought of it like that i hope thats the case, i really dont want lose him.

OP posts:
Original poster
CrazyDawgLady · 20/09/2023 15:10

Has he always been like that ? Is there an expiry date on parental love and care? My husbands mother and father done something similar to my husband. They are no longer in our lifes our my children's. Thats why this hurts even more as my dad knows what we have been through, and he knows he is all the family my kids have.

OP posts:
Freezingcoldinseptember · 20/09/2023 15:12

I totally get it op. It really isn't about the money is it? We had just set up home and had recently had another dc. Df won Big Money. Dc didn't even get a bag of sweets between them. It's the blatant shout out of not giving a shit.

Original poster
CrazyDawgLady · 20/09/2023 15:20

Definitely not about the money. I could never do that to my children, i live for them my very reason for being. I hope there never comes a day i wake up and just stop feeeling that way. Did you ask why?

OP posts:
Freezingcoldinseptember · 20/09/2023 16:40

Nope. He started backing away. Missed visits. Dc sat at the window waiting.. Like I did as a dc. . I moved away and he sent a Christmas card saying if i ever wanted to get in touch here was his mobile number.. I remarried and dh encouraged me to ring. I said hello and his dw was screaming in the background they had a new house with no room for bloody dc.. I hung up.
That was in 1999. He doesn't even know how many dgc he has now.

Original poster
CrazyDawgLady · 20/09/2023 17:03

Wow thats horrible and so sad. I feel like this is the start of my path to having no dad.

OP posts:
UpaladderwatchingTV · 20/09/2023 17:17

I'm SO sorry to hear how your Dad has made you feel OP. Do you think that perhaps he's scared that he'll feel obliged to give you money, which will leave him without, or that you'll never be in a position to pay back? Even so, I don't think I could do that to my DC or grandkids, what little we have, I'd want to share, or even give the kids in preference to myself. Was he like this when your DM was around, ie, did she instigate all effort toward the family, and now he doesn't really think about it, because he never had to?

As for food, have you been able to get any help, been to a food bank, etc?

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 20/09/2023 17:20

Does he pay you for cleaning his house? If not, why not?

Zebedee55 · 20/09/2023 17:22

NonMiDispiace · 20/09/2023 14:46

My father actually withheld our inheritance from each of his parents, a sum that would have made a huge difference to my life 40 years ago - enough for a house deposit. He even said he’d take his money with him to the grave rather than leave any to his DCs and DGCs.

Well, as it was your fathers inheritance, and not yours, he didn't have to give it to you.

I would have been nice, but it his choice not to.

Original poster
CrazyDawgLady · 20/09/2023 17:37

No he does not pay me, but he also never asked me to do it. I just know that if i dont do it i will never get done. I hate visiting and leave covered in dust. I worry for his health him sitting in a dirty dusty house all day long. He is in his early 70's but would be more than capable of doing a bit of hoovering and wiping. But he just cant be bothered. He said oh you just love cleaning dont you, i replied no i really dont. He thinks its fine to just leave it.

OP posts:
NonMiDispiace · 20/09/2023 17:41

Zebedee55 · 20/09/2023 17:22

Well, as it was your fathers inheritance, and not yours, he didn't have to give it to you.

I would have been nice, but it his choice not to.

Show quote history

It wasn’t his to keep! My siblings and I were bequeathed the money firstly in my grandfather’s will then more as a bequest in my grandmother’s will a little later! He was executor.

Blobblobblob · 20/09/2023 17:47

Stop cleaning his house ffs, and if its too dirty to visit, don't go.

You are busting a gut for someone who's never going to reciprocate.

Original poster
CrazyDawgLady · 20/09/2023 17:50

Im pretty sure if my mum was still here this would not be happening. (She passed in 2006) so never met her grand kids. I know she would of gave them the crumbs out the cupboard if thats all she had. But again that sort of why it hurts more. He dosent need to feel obliged i told him it was okay, i just sort of expected him to check up on us that we were ok. But he didnt. If it were you would you ask why? Im currently looking in to foodbanks and community kitchens etc.

OP posts:
Ponoka7 · 20/09/2023 17:50

@NonMiDispiace I'd seek legal redress.

OP, he's out of order, but as painful as it is, he is how he is.

bodypumper · 20/09/2023 17:52

My parents are rich and we struggle
I have worked since I was 14. I'd never ask for help but they see how we struggle despite working both full time and two teens boy and girl sharing a bedroom as can only afford to own a two bed.
It would be nice for them to offer to help us however small. They don't do anything bar watch tv and boast they have thousands in several safes across their massive house. I was never spoiled as a child as I believe it gave me a good work ethic, I went to state school, paid myself and still paying off Uni loans.
However as a parent if I ever could then I would help my children financially.
I get very little emotional support too.

Lentilweaver · 20/09/2023 17:55

I don't think you are YANBU. In this situation, I would absolutely help my DC and DGC out if I could, and also call probably ten times a day.

Original poster
CrazyDawgLady · 20/09/2023 17:56

I will as i dont think he cares either way. I promised my mum i would always look after him. So feel like that would be letting her down more than anything. Now wonder if he promised her that he would alway look after me humm.....

OP posts:
Freezingcoldinseptember · 20/09/2023 17:59

Be honest op.. Your dm really won't know if you let the measly git pay for his own cleaner and care. You owe him nothing..

Lentilweaver · 20/09/2023 18:01

I literally cannot understand grandparents like this. I do understand not helping out with money for luxuries, but for food? Or at least display concern?