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Original poster

To wonder how women make relationships work?

32 replies

GlitterGlobe30 · 19/09/2023 12:04

Everyone around me is getting engaged and married and having kids and I'm 30 now and have only ever had unsuccessful relationships.

I've had 2 serious relationships. The first one ended because he was a nightmare to live with. Never did any housework, expected me to pick up after him. He was also terrible with money and getting into debt. He was very selfish and I was always having to go along with what he wanted to do as my opinions weren't even considered. His constant sexist jokes from him and his friends made me miserable.

My most recent relationship was good for the most part but at the end he went back to university and he started to prioritise his new friends over me which made me feel awful so that didn't work out either.

What's women's secrets to making a relationship work? Is it a case of being more tolerant of how they treat you? I'm sure some will say I just haven't met the right person yet but I have dated so many men! I feel like I'm missing something here and messing it all up!

OP posts:
Mummy08m · 19/09/2023 12:12

I'm really sorry for your experiences. (That sounds lame but I really am)

My mum had just the one failed relationship and marriage with my emotionally abusive dad, single ever since. She told me (actually drummed into me constantly from a young age) that her mistake was not getting to know Dad properly before marrying him or moving in. She said you should know a man for 5y as a friend before moving in, then live together 5y more, before having kids.

(This isn't very realistic unless you start approx age 21!)

However, this has stuck with me forever and I guess it's why I settled with dh, I've known him since we were 18. It's worked out so far, we've been together 12y.

My faith helps too. Dh isn't religious at all but he's just a calm sensible type and doesn't make big mistakes in life. Whereas I think I'd be having affairs (I have previous) and having other marriage-sabotaging vices if I weren't anchored by my faith.

QforCucumber · 19/09/2023 12:19

It is not just up to you to make it work, DH and I have been together 1 2years and it was never hard work. We have our differences of course but I can't recall the last time we more than bickered.

went back to university and he started to prioritise his new friends over me what did this look like? I have friends, and DH has friends, we have always spent a lot of time with our friends individually, as well as each other - those friends are the people who have been there for me through break ups and through losing close family - they of course are one of my priorities in life.

TheMountainsCall · 19/09/2023 12:34

I don't think the right relationship should be hard work. That's not to say it's always smooth sailing but it should feel natural to be together.

MatildaTheCat · 19/09/2023 13:02

Actually you did make the first relationship work in some respects; recognising he was a useless layabout and dumping him was a positive move.

It honestly sounds as if you’ve been a bit unlucky, the second relationship was wrong time and place probably. Keep getting out there to meet people and you’ll very likely meet someone who suits you.

Good luck.

Worldgonecrazy · 19/09/2023 13:09

I genuinely think a large percentage of women tolerate appalling behaviour from their partners, evidenced by the disproportionate amount of women doing the bulk of running a house (cue the usual ‘not my husband’) responses, or men who prioritise their own work and ‘hobbies’ before family life.

We then see a significant number of women filing for divorce after kids etc. and then either refusing to settle, or preferring life alone.

So I guess the answer to your question is dependent on the age of your friends. Early 20s and 30s probably tolerating behaviours.

CharSiu · 19/09/2023 13:12

It’s recognising men that are crap before you date them or getting rid of as soon as they show their true self. How long did you put up with the first serious relationship? for me he would have been dumped straight away. You can’t change them just remember that.

SerenityNowInsanityLater · 19/09/2023 13:23

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

cheezncrackers · 19/09/2023 13:24

Self respect

ComtesseDeSpair · 19/09/2023 13:28

I think women need to make themselves independent – emotionally, socially, financially. What I notice about all the women I know, myself included, who have consistently good relationships and don’t put up with no-hopers, is that strength and independence in their careers, their finances, their friendships, and their lifestyles – which is then reflected in their approach to and success in relationships.

When you have a good network of brilliant friends, an active social life, value your company and time, and aren’t reliant on a partner to help you pay the bills, it really does enable you to practice far lower tolerance when it comes to relationships which just aren’t improving your life any more and partners which bring little to the table.

Deadringer · 19/09/2023 13:32

Given that so many men are lazy, selfish, entitled, porn addled arseholes it astonishes me that so many women somehow manage to make it work.

DynamicK · 19/09/2023 13:38

I'll tell you another (not so) secret - many women put up with relationships that don't work.
Well done for not putting up with crap.

JusyBraise · 19/09/2023 13:38

My relationships haven't been perfect, but they've been decent people who didn't think I was their maid.

I've never gotten serious with men who didn't clean up after themselves, were more selfish than I am, or made sexist jokes in my presence. What attracted you to such a man? Well done breaking up with him through.

BinturongsSmellOfPopcorn · 19/09/2023 13:43

Is it a case of being more tolerant of how they treat you?

Exactly the opposite.

Don't even think about attempting a relationship with someone who isn't a competent adult who respects women in general and you in particular - and behaves accordingly.

Ducksinthebath · 19/09/2023 13:46

Choose a decent one to start with then training, training, training. Both easier said than done.

Nevermind31 · 19/09/2023 13:48

Well, reading the many threads on here about useless lazy husbands, I’d say good for you to recognise that these relationships are not for you. You could of course have gotten married and put up with it… but this way you have a chance to meet a real partner

LolaSmiles · 19/09/2023 13:48

Some women have low expectations of men and tolerate crappy relationships. It's shown on the number of threads that can be paraphrased as "he's a great dad/husband but.." as they proceed to explain behaviours that are far from being a great dad and husband.

Others find someone they're compatible with, have realistic expectations that a 10-20+ year relationship is not going to be like the honeymoon period year in year out, work through life's peaks and troughs but on the whole enjoy their relationship and maintain friends and hobbies and life outside of their relationship. Their whole sense of worth isn't tied into their relationship.

Siameasy · 19/09/2023 13:50

For me - a lot of self-reflection and personal accountability rather than blaming men (not saying you are but it’s often the default)

Firstly, you chose badly with man 1-why?
Secondly, man 2 sounded okay. How did it go wrong and what part did you play in that.

Another piece of advice is to seek advice from happily married women/couples. Do you know any? Single or divorced women have an agenda.

StanleyGoodspeed · 19/09/2023 13:57

Ducksinthebath · 19/09/2023 13:46

Choose a decent one to start with then training, training, training. Both easier said than done.

I think this is what I did, been married 36 years, I would say he is well trained now😂

Lemonyfuckit · 19/09/2023 14:07

Just because a relationship didn't lead to marriage and children it's not a failing on your part. Firstly marriage and children isn't 'and they all lived happily ever after, the end.' in any case, and there are so so so many posters on here who are now 'tied' to really crappy (at best) and worse, abusive, partners because they have children together and/or are financially dependent so leaving them is that bit harder.

And it's also not just up to the woman to 'make the relationship work'. You don't have to settle!

So any previous relationships you've had teach you something, and shape the person you become - eg the first one you mentioned, you learned what you're not willing to put up with.

I appreciate this is going to sound like a massive massive cliche but it was true in my case and many of my friends said similar. The moment I thought, and truly knew, that "if I don't meet 'the one' and get married and spend the rest of my life with that person, I'll be ok. I'll have a good life anyway", I was then in the right frame of mind and met my now DH about 6 months later (and in the intervening 6 months I had a LOT more fun dating than I had for the whole of my previous dating life). I was 34 when I met my DH. So, if I were to give advice to my younger self, it would be to stop searching for 'the one' - they may or may not show up, and if they do it will be at just the right time, and just enjoy the ride in the meantime. I look back and think I could have enjoyed dating different people so much more if I had been less hung up on whether it would lead to a relationship, whether that would become a serious relationship, and whether that would lead to marriage.

gwenneh · 19/09/2023 14:12

My first thought when reading this was "I never tried to MAKE anything work." You can't make something that involves the equal input of two parties work - once you're putting in your share, if it's not working, then it's broken. It's good that you recognise that putting in your share doesn't mean tolerating being treated poorly, so don't compromise that.

Gimmeallthefood · 19/09/2023 14:15

BinturongsSmellOfPopcorn · 19/09/2023 13:43

Is it a case of being more tolerant of how they treat you?

Exactly the opposite.

Don't even think about attempting a relationship with someone who isn't a competent adult who respects women in general and you in particular - and behaves accordingly.

This.

I had rule of not living at home with parents for a while for partners. Worked out well. He is competent adult who can survive weeks without me and do his fair share of everything from cleaning to cooking. We split chores based on who hates what more. I haven't cleaned floor in years.
Cheerleading is also important. You will knoe if he is the type to support you and cheer you on very quickly.

Alargeoneplease89 · 19/09/2023 14:21

Don't lower your standards- I've always said if a guy ever laid a finger on me, was abusive that's it - no excuses, end of.

Don't go looking, alot of my friends seem to constantly be looking because they are worried about being alone and attract the most obnoxious people. I never wanted to settle down- was happy alone, I feel if you are happy alone then you won't just settle for the sake of it. I've been with my DH 16 years and I laugh thinking how did this happen when I was so anti relationships.

If you can't find leeway in a dispute then relationships will never last.

Always make time for each other, my dh is my bestfriend and I know people think its ick but we have been through so much together.

MintJulia · 19/09/2023 14:30

I agree with all the PPs who say 'take a really close look' consider how a man treats other people, whether he is helpful, thoughtful and good mannered. How does he handle money? Is he sensible, prudent, occasionally generous,

Whether he has values you like. Whether he is patient and kind. Whether he knows how to listen.

Good looking & a sense of humour are not enough.

telestrations · 19/09/2023 14:52

It's picking the right guy.

When I last dated I had the mantra of the only things you can really know about a guy is how he treats you and how he makes you feel. I let that lead me and ended up with my second husband who is absolutely wonderful and whom I do not have to make it "work" for.

ManateeFair · 19/09/2023 15:15

What's women's secrets to making a relationship work? Is it a case of being more tolerant of how they treat you?

I think you're looking at this the wrong way round. You're having relationships with men who are shits, and asking yourself what you can do to make living with them bearable. What you need to do is stop focusing on making a relationship work and starting focusing on who you have relationships with.

The secret to making a relationship work is, quite literally, only having relationships with men who are actually nice. The first man you mention sounds vile. Why would you actually want that relationship to work? He was a lazy sexist controlling arsehole. I wouldn't tolerate any of that, because I'd rather be single than living with a horrible twat.

Raise your standards, don't lower them!

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