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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to turn down a wedding invite as I don't want to leave DS & DD?

46 replies

suzi2 · 04/03/2008 14:29

The wedding would be 2.5 hrs travel each way, DCs are invited but it would just be too much. My mum has offered to babysit and get them down for bed, but DD (1) is a horrific sleeper, finally starting to get a routine, but needs a set 'routine' for me to perform to get her down.

I'm just too worried that mum won't get her down, DS (2.6) will wake, we'll come home to chaos, routine out of window etc. My mum is great with them and knows them well, but even she finds DDs heartbreaking bedtime sobbing hard work. And we'd need to be home at a reasonable time.

MIL says that we're pandering to them and if we give too much they'll want too much. And that we should have a life back by now. Hinting at it being ridiculous.

AIBU that I don't think the wedding would be worth it enough to leave the DCs?

OP posts:

Loshad · 04/03/2008 14:32

No you're not. If you aren't happy in leaving them then you won't particularly enjoy the wedding anyway.

MorocconOil · 04/03/2008 14:33

Whose wedding is it? Anyone close to you?

Chequers · 04/03/2008 14:34

Message withdrawn

madamez · 04/03/2008 14:34

IF you're not fussed about going to the wedding, then just politely decline. Better to save the babysitting credits for something you really want to go to.
BTW, here's your hard hat and popcorn for when this thread turns into the usual shitstorm about how people who won't permit children at weddings are EEEEEEEEEVIL...

Chequers · 04/03/2008 14:36

Message withdrawn

IdrisTheDragon · 04/03/2008 14:36

If you're not happy, then no YANBU to turn down the invitation. If it is someone you're very close to, then it might be a little U but I don't think it is.

chipkid · 04/03/2008 14:37

I can understand your reluctance given the distance that you would have to travel and how far away you would be. Think you should consider taking up your mother's offer for something nearer to home.

Original poster

suzi2 · 04/03/2008 14:51

It's DH's cousin, second marriage, relatively small affair I believe.

Definately can't leave them overnight. DD is up all the time and requires breastfeeding to calm down from hysteria. My mum's good... but not that good

Yep, definate bad mum who won't take her kids... I wouldn't enjoy it AT ALL with them there.

OP posts:

WaynettaSlob · 04/03/2008 14:54

Could you not take your mum and your DCs with you and all stay overnight? Let your mum babysit the DCs in the hotel room while you enhoy yourself, and then you're there to put them to bed if need be, and deal with them when they wake up.

Personally, I'd do everything I could to make sure DD was ready to be babysat by the time of the wedding and then stay away overnight (but I AM a bad mummy!)

branflake81 · 04/03/2008 14:58

I think you should leave them with your mum and go to the wedding. My own personal belief is that it's good for kids to have to be looked after by others now and again and to get used to not being tied to you all the time. It's healthy - both for you and the children.

Original poster

suzi2 · 04/03/2008 14:59

I'd never convince DH to stay over somewhere. We'd need at least 2 rooms (one for mum, one for us) and possibly 3 (as DS probably wouldn't sleep near either of us!).

DDs sleep issues are an ongoing thing. I've tried and tried to 'fix' them enough to gain back some of my evening/night so I don't think there's anything I could do to get her 'prepared' before the wedding. We're making a little progress with her (now getting a 4 hr stretch in the evening) but that took 11 months of trying so I'm worried I bugger it up!

OP posts:

Chequers · 04/03/2008 15:00

Message withdrawn

theowlwhowasafraidofthedark · 04/03/2008 15:03

YANBU - it's an invite it isn't compulsory to accept!

Original poster

suzi2 · 04/03/2008 15:07

They're used to being looked after by my mum branflake. But not at night really. DS won't give her any bother at all. But DD will wonder where her milk is, won't settle for my mum, will bring the house down... a lot.

These comments from MIL on't usually bother me. But now DD is past a year I'm sort of wondering whether I'm doing this all wrong? Of course I don't want to be tied to her forever. And it would be lovely if she didn't need me that much (in a way) but I'm not sure quite how I go about 'fixing' that without making her really upset. AIBU to think that a 1 yr old is still a baby really? And that I should be pandering a bit? (or a lot lol)

OP posts:

DoubleBluff · 04/03/2008 15:10

Sounds lik you need a night away.
What is the worst that can happen?
No child ever died from crying.

Original poster

suzi2 · 04/03/2008 15:13

I guess not doublebluff. But she's sick and soaks her sheets in tears and doesn't calm down for hours.

OP posts:

DoubleBluff · 04/03/2008 15:17

Do you think she will be that bad for your Mum though?
maybe being somewhere new might be good for her.
Mine were always much better behaved for my Mum.
Sorry re reead my prev post, sounded very flippant. Am trying to install wireless broadnbd as I am typing.

WallOfSilence · 04/03/2008 15:18

Then it's time to start teaching her

She just needs help calming down when upset. Is there any chance your mum could look after them a night before the wedding? Even if you & dh go to the late cinema? That way you can all see how she would settle & your dd will get used to someone other than you or dh putting her to bed.

SheherazadetheGoat · 04/03/2008 15:24

my friend thought this aobut her dd. i came round and her dd was marginally upset but went to sleep and friend had a nice time on her FIRST night out with husband in about 2 years.

if your mother is willing to babysit i think you should go.

DoubleBluff · 04/03/2008 15:29

And one night out of the 'routine' shouldn't make a big difference.
Even if your mum has to sit and rock her to sleep she will have to stop crying at som point.

AbbeyA · 04/03/2008 15:36

I would go-unless you are wanting an excuse to get out of the wedding. It sounds as if you could do with a break. They may well behave well for your mum, you won't know unless you try it.DoubleBluff is quite right-she will stop crying at some point.

Original poster

suzi2 · 04/03/2008 15:36

Mum took her one evening as a practice run when I was due to go on a night out (it had been planned a while) and she was awful. She wouldn't go down for her at all. All the rocking in the world wasn't helping and then mum even had her out in the buggy to chill out a bit. I got her home at 10pm. The actual night out was the next day, I settled her and went, but DH called at midnight to say that he couldn't cope much longer as she'd been awake and screaming since about 9pm.

Mum's also stayed when DH is away and we've tried to let mum go to her all night etc. But it's just too much for us all really! DD just screams, I laid awake, mum struggled.

OP posts:

Original poster

suzi2 · 04/03/2008 15:38

Sorry, makes my mum sound really useless! She's not, she is used to sleep deprivation, used to children and babies, and has a fantastic 'rocking' arm for them. She's helped with both of their colic and my brothers hyperactivity etc etc. She's not unfamiliar with it all.

Maybe I should just go and get pissed and won't worry then

OP posts:

mazzystar · 04/03/2008 15:38

To be honest, we're in a similar situation re crap sleep, and we'd go.

For me it would depend on whether DH really wanted to go - his cousin and maybe rare chance to see his family all together. If he really wanted to go, that would swing it.

PotPourri · 04/03/2008 15:42

Have you ever left them with your mum overnight? Why not try it this weekend - your mum could surprise you. Adn your DCs too. And then your decision will be made...

Funny , my mum and I were having this same conversation this morning, about how she once went to a dinner dance with the supposed baby sitters of her friends as her friend couldn't bear to leave the kids crying. The other lady wore her frock and everything! I don't agree with leaving kids crying, but I do believe in stretching their capabilities a little.

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