to turn down a wedding invite as I don't want to leave DS & DD?

[suzi2]

The wedding would be 2.5 hrs travel each way, DCs are invited but it would just be too much. My mum has offered to babysit and get them down for bed, but DD (1) is a horrific sleeper, finally starting to get a routine, but needs a set 'routine' for me to perform to get her down.

I'm just too worried that mum won't get her down, DS (2.6) will wake, we'll come home to chaos, routine out of window etc. My mum is great with them and knows them well, but even she finds DDs heartbreaking bedtime sobbing hard work. And we'd need to be home at a reasonable time.

MIL says that we're pandering to them and if we give too much they'll want too much. And that we should have a life back by now. Hinting at it being ridiculous.

AIBU that I don't think the wedding would be worth it enough to leave the DCs?

When is the wedding? If it's a few weeks away I would accept and hope that by then your routine will have worked and she will be settling better.

If they are invited, are they invited to the whole thing? Would you be happy taking them and staying till about 7 or 8 and then all driving home together? They'd probably fall asleep in the car then.

I know a set routine is a good thing but once it's established, one night out will probably not throw it out too much.

Oh, didn't see your post that you have tried a trial run already Suzi. Maybe enough time has passed for another try??

With us, there came a point when we just had to leave DD to cry - controlled crying. I know some peopel think it is awful, but it worked for us. DD is not a perfect sleeper even now, but it is definatly manageable. DH kept telling me that it was cruel not to allow her to learn how to soothe herself - as it is a life skill that we all use, at work, in a stressful situation, when upset etc. And he is right. And frankly, I was going slowly mad with sleep deprivation and stress.

We've done the CC numerous times. And finally had a little success before Christmas. Though it's still largely unsuccessful. Sleep clinic have advised crying it out really but I can't manage that yet.

I don't think DH is that fussed. There was a family wedding a couple of months ago and seeing them once a year or so is fine for him lol. If we took them, I'd be the one running around daft trying to keep them under control. I'd be the one with them both on my knee while we eat etc. They'd be wired. Mind you, it would be a long drive home so hopefulyl they'd sleep. DD might not... she's often screaming in the car too. DS we could shift to his bed without too much discussion but we'd have to do the whole bedtime thing with DD.

Thinking that I should maybe just be brave and go...

Don't think a few more weeks will change her settling much wordsworth. It took us 10.5 months to get her to fall asleep in her cot, with our help!

No thoughts on the wedding really - but have you thought about cranial osteopathy for your DD? It might help her sleeping generally.

Hi Buda - yeah, she saw one for about 6 wks as a newborn, for no reason other than it had really helped DSs colickyness and sleeping (though he was older). She then saw one for about 4 sessions at about 10 months as we were at our wits end. He was at his wits end with her lol. We didnt' see an improvement, but then he couldn't do most of the work on her as she was so upset and he couldn't shift any bits of her head at all as they were locked up.

If you want to go, & your mum is game for a night of hell, then I'd go.

But if it all feels like not much fun & a waste of 'babysitting credits', then I wouldn't feel obliged to - not for a cousin's second wedding!

I wouldn't feel obliged to - agree with other posters who say an invite is just ASKING you to attend - not TELLING you to go. You are perfectly within your rights to decline and you have a very good reason.

I would continue to work on letting others settle her though - teaching her to settle herself will help her to sleep much better which is good for her in the end even if it's horrible getting there. Easier said than done though and now might not be the right time for you...

Just to say too that we were complete routine fascists with ds's night time routine once we found something that worked and he was a terrible sleeper too. Finally pushed it for a night out and it worked great and didn't throw everything out the window. So you might be peasantly surprised even if it hasn't worked until now...

Suzi, I would stress about leaving them, and not go. But I would take firm action re sleeping, so that situation doesn't arise again.

check this out

The above site helped to sort similar sleeping issues out that I had. No CC either.

I know its hard to think about leaving your children, and you are worried about how it will go.

Yet, they ALWAYS behave for the others in my experience, and whislt it will be different for you, and different for them, you could benefit form the exp.

one of my biggest regrets is me and my ex dh not taking enough time out form our child. I was just to worried about dd, all the time.

yo never know, it could be a good thing?

if it's a small wedding and dh's cousin could just dh go?

My ds2 is similar, he is hard to get to sleep and doesn't stay asleep for long (he's almost 14 months). I also have to bf him in the night 4 or 5 times and during the evening.

I've been reading the baby sleep book by dr Sears and I love it, it gives you the reasons why it's normal for babies to be like this etc and explains why crying is actually bad for them. The stress levels are raised for one and causes high blood pressure among many other things. This is when you leave them to cry alone and I really don't believe in letting babies cry it out. At 1 they just don't understand enough yet and he explains that somewhere between 18 months and 2 years they develop object permanence and then realise that when you leave the room you are still there.

Fascinating book.

I wouldn't go to the wedding btw.

Sorry said that wrong, the develop the object permanence earlier but at around the age I said they start to know that you are just in the other room rather than having gone.

Suzi, does your dd refuse a bottle or sippy cup? Or will she take the milk from others but comfort-bf's to sleep?

She will take a sippy cup, but not with milk (expressed/cows/formula!) in it. Milk comes from mummy it would seem.

Jazzandh - I've tried most techniques with her. I've even spoken to sleep counsellor type people! I'm not actually sure if anything would work for her - she's that bad. Actually, that's unfair to her. She's improving, but it's taking a lot of babysteps to do it. 3 months ago she wouldn't fall asleep in her cot, wouldn't sleep in it and woke every 45-90 mins. Now she goes to sleep by herself with me in the room, or at worst holding my hand. She wakes several times a night, but not as bad as every 90 mins.

We're going to work on other people settling her, but I don't think anything would be successful before the wedding. DH did her bedtime last night and after an hour of her crying, I went in and did it. He went to her during the night though and got her back to sleep after about 45 mins, which is progress. DS is grouchy today though as he got woken with the crying lol.

Might see if DH fancies it himself. He'd probably enjoy the break

JodieG1, nice to know I'm not the only one. I actually think that the reason we're making a little progress is because she's understanding us more and we're being very gentle with her. I remember that DS went to a big bed at 19 months and we could explain everything to him, so maybe by that age I can explain that I'm listening on the monitor etc etc and that may help.

I was thinking about this in general more last night too. I actually don't consider DDs sleep too much of a problem for me at the moment (compared to what we had!) but I know she's still fairly bad and don't want to dump that on someone else. I know my mum would be happy for that, but ultimately I wouldn't be so couldn't enjoy myself.

suzi2, I am going against the flow on this thread but I agree with you

I wouldn't go and it doesn't sound like you want to either. At 2.6 and 1 year old your children are still little and if you don't want to upset them for a night out, why do it.

Let them be children, enjoy breastfeeding your youngest to sleep and there will be plenty of party nights out, when they are grown up.

is DD ill? sounds dreadful suze but if this is happening every night and she is over 1 then maybe you really need to look at doing something else. that doesnt sound right to me...

x-posts

Suze, don't go to the wedding. You will be miserable, and so will your DD and your Mum. As babyseverywhere says, there will be plenty of other times. You're doing just the right thing - don't be pushed into something you don't want just because of other people's expectations.

(TBH, I don't really get this 'must have time to yourself', must get them to sleep, must be able to leave them stuff. At 1, they are still little vulnerable creatures. I wouldn't have dreamt of leaving my two overnight until they were 3 or 4, even with my parents who they knew very well. Why rush and wish the time away? When you have children you do have to give up part of your former life - that's the deal - and put them first.)

My son was also an awful sleeper - your comments about DD could have been me 10 years ago. But you know what - we just let it all be, and were gentle and kind, and of course it passed in time - everything does. YOu sound as though you are taking sensible action on it in a gentle way - it will work out int he end.

Thanks Lulu & BabiesEW. It helps me to know I'm not a total paranoid clingy parent!

Swifty, we've had her checked over a few times as we've been convinced there MUST be something wrong with her. I mean, DS was an appauling sleeper until he was about 15 months but wasn't a patch on DD. She really is wild! Though she's healthy, happy, walking at 10.5 months, has 10 words now at a year etc. Nowt wrong with her, except maybe some sleep problem. I believe though that true sleep disorders won't be diagnosed until they're a bit older anyway. Though since she's made progress I reckon she's just fine.

She went down without me in the room tonight - she was pissing about in a big way and not overtired (for once!) so I left her to it. After a couple of mins I went back in, gave her a dummy and she went down. miracle!