To fear that I will never be a safe or competent driver? (dyspraxia and anxiety)

[calatheamama]

Sorry, this is a a LONG one. I never imagined I'd be starting an entire thread here, but here we go, I have to get it off my chest...

For context, I'm 30yrs old and was diagnosed with dyspraxia as a child. I also struggle with generalised anxiety and panic disorder. I'm currently studying for a research council-funded PhD, so I've always succeeded academically - I guess I've always chosen activities that felt 'safe'. I struggle predominantly with gross motor skills, mental sequencing, spatial awareness and coordination, time management etc. Oddly, I never found fine motor skills such as art and playing musical instruments too bad - but ask me to play team sports, learn dance choreography, build flatpack furniture, work out how to operate tools or machinery, do anything involving fast-response time, etc? We're in hot water...

I never felt like dyspraxia/my brain held me back too severely until recently: my parents didn't pressure me to learn to drive when I was 17, so I went to university without a license and managed to get by with walking and buses, after which I moved to London during my 20s for approx 6 yrs and managed fine with the public transport system there (oddly, I didn't find it stressful, it gave me a sense of freedom and independence!)

Fast forward to 2020 and the pandemic. I'm in a long-term relationship and we decided to move out of London to the Midlands, where my partner (who I'm still with!) is originally from. Once we came out of lockdown, I soon realised that the public transport system was, well, abysmal outside of London. With my partner's encouragement, I started (manual) driving lessons, cycling through about 3 instructors until I found the right fit, yet I still caused multiple jump scares, shed many tears etc... It took me from summer 2020 to June this year (2023) to finally pass my test, having previously failed twice within the first 15 mins. I estimate that I spent thousands over pounds on 150+hrs of lessons.
When I did pass this June, I felt like an imposter, because 1) I managed to book a Sunday morning test, 2) the roads were basically empty, 3) the instructor asked me to complete the (imo) easiest manoeuvre of pulling up on the right (if he'd asked me to do a parallel park, I'd have been stuffed), and 4) I was dosed up on propranolol that had been prescribed!!! I just feel like, if the circumstances had been different, I'd have failed yet again.

For a while, I shared my partner's car, but I was too scared to drive alone, so we went driving together, which typically spiralled: I would panic and get upset, make objectively irrational decisions (e.g. turning right into oncoming traffic instead of an opposite lane at a crossroads...), my partner would get stressed and shout at me, I would get upset, he would continue raging, I would then be in such a blind panic that I couldn't even think straight anymore (on a couple of occasions, we had to make an emergency stop and swap seats because I was violently shaking and losing control of the steering wheel). I think, in this time, I developed a phobia of driving altogether. I'm also doing my PhD at this time, the campus of which is 30 miles away on the motorway. We happen to live in a part of the country which has some of the WORST train and bus links, which means a journey from A to B with a car is 30-40 minutes max, yet a public transport route is infrequent and lasts 2.5hrs... completely impractical and draining for anyone at the best of times, let alone someone depending on the route for work. I don't have any options to move closer to work, nor rely on lifts from anyone.

So, this summer, I decided that enough was enough - I had to make progress, (mainly because I'm also starting graduate teaching on campus) and felt I needed my own car to do so. I ended up using much of my savings to purchase a lovely secondhand automatic, which - I admit - has improved things significantly (no more stress about gear changes). I have my good days - sometimes, when things are going well, I love my little car and the driving experience. But I'm still not 100%. I'm still frequently making potentially dangerous mistakes, getting overwhelmed, still having nightmares about driving collisions and getting trapped on the motorway. I feel so guilty, because my DD used some of his pension fund to help me out with buying the car, but now there are days when I feel like it's a financially-draining/anxiety-inducing burden or death trap, rather than something enhancing my life. I feel so ashamed for not being able to do something so straight-forward that so many people - even kids 10yrs younger than me - do everyday, with confidence.

At this point, I guess my dyspraxia and anxiety are stuck in a vicious loop - the dyspraxia aggravates my anxiety, but the anxiety and panic only heighten my dyspraxia symptoms and the likelihood of 'mind blanks' and making irrational decisions. (Note: I've tried several long-term anxiety medications e.g. sertraline, but they have not improved anything, only given me debilitating side effects. I don't really want to spend the rest of my 'driving career' necking beta blockers, either.)

Examples of things I still struggle with, even after passing: spatial awareness in relation to other vehicles in terms of things like motorway lane changes; anything involving 'mirroring'; coordination with reverse parking and manoeuvring; generally understanding which way to turn the wheel when reversing (yes, I know, seems simple...); understanding which lane I need to be in to make correct turns and entering roundabouts; working out/staying in the correct line on multi-lane and spiral roundabouts because all the criss-crossing lines seem to confuse/overstimulate my brain...

I'm at my wit's end. It's hard trying to explain my experience of driving with friends, family and my partner. They claim a lot of things I struggle with are usual, that I just need to 'buckle up and get on with it', acting like I'm just making excuses, but it feels like this is different somehow... I feel so worried about not being able to sort out driving in time for the new term, impacting involvement with my Phd community, teaching responsibilities, or even career prospects... but mostly, the paralysing fear that I'll risk harming myself or - much, much worse - somebody else on the road, because I still seem to struggle to much with things. Harming someone else... honestly, I wouldn't be able to live with myself.

I guess what I'm asking is: has anyone else struggled with anything similar? Is there hope? Do I just need to persevere (like practising all the time on quiet roads, Sunday mornings etc) if it's just a case of experience and things taking longer with my brain? Am I overthinking it all/being overly emotional? Or will I always just be a frustrating and potentially dangerous liability on the road, and have to adapt my life accordingly? It's true I never had any real desire to drive other than necessity - is it true some people just shouldn't drive?

AIBU or keep going out on the road, or AIBU not to keep mindfully trying?
I've heard from others with dyspraxia and anxiety that they became safe and competent drivers in time... p.s. sorry if I've pissed anyone off on the road with my erratic driving!!!!

I couldn’t read and run. I was the same, the only difference is that I never passed my driving test, last attempt was when I was 20, I am now 48. The first two I made millions of mistakes cause I was so nervous. The third one I just failed on two things. The fourth one, I drove out of the driving test centre, made a mistake and had a full blown panic attack, I moved to London a year or two later and in day to day life I’ve managed without. That said, I have two teenage Sons who need lifts sometimes, they both play for football teams, so there are times when it would be helpful if I did, even though we couldn’t afford to run two cars.

I’ve never had a diagnosis as such but my spatial awareness, sense of direction and hand eye coordination are awful, I’ve hot a squint (failed surgery) which doesn’t help. Like you I’ve never been faxed by getting around London.

I can sometimes see people thinking why has she not learned to drive and it goes make me feel as if I’m not a proper adult. Tbh though I don’t think I would have made a safe, competent driver and the idea of spending a fortune on lessons and failing again is too risky.

On a practical note, could you have some more lessons (maybe refresher) to help build your confidence or practice some relaxation techniques, anxiety is truly awful. You have done/are doing brilliantly to persevere.

I've never learnt to drive because I knew I'd never be good at it (ds with ASD/dyspraxia made me realise I'm probably ND too). DH is the same though and has never had an accident that was his fault in 30 years.

The only question really is, do you want/need to drive? If the answer is yes then I guess all you can do is stick at it. If you don't then why put yourself through it?

I’m dyspraxic. It took me 7 attempts to pass my test.

I experience all the issues you mentioned, although since changing to an automatic car, things are easier.

Here is what helped me:

Hypnotherapy. I had four sessions with a hypnotherapist and they were really helpful.

Sat Nav. Life changing.

No distractions in the car. No music, no news, no phone calls, no conversation. If I have any passengers, they know not to speak to me unless it’s an emergency.

Ahhhhhh I am the same! Dyspraxic, go through phases of extreme anxiety and overwhelm. I can't help, only commiserate- I think I am several steps behind you. Passed my test more than a decade ago, drove maybe three times in the month after I passed (only once by myself) and then just gave up because I was so anxious and made (what felt like) too many mistakes. My ex-DP would get into an absolute rage with me (hence ex) when I drove, and I also had a terrifying instructor for a period time- I feel like I now have a significant phobia of driving!

I had some refresher lessons in an automatic a year ago, which felt like a game changer, but then I haven't had the chance to practice. I feel a deep sense of shame about it. We're moving to a more rural location in the next year for work, and I am very worried about it. I have three kids and am a SAHM, so I have to to make it work. I don't have the time to practice without the kids, as I feel like I need another adult in the car with me (ie DH) so am a bit stuck.

I think if it were possible for me the main thing is practice, and to be able to plan and visualise the route in advance as well as having sat nav. So, to have an idea of the roundabouts (my nemesis) and exits in advance, to avoid motorways (or whatever scares you/you find hardest the most) if possible, and to have a really clear idea of where to park when you get to your destination.

If you don't have kids to lug about, what about a good bike? I know it's not ideal for long distances, but I had many happy years cycling around both rural and city locations, and for me, as a dyspraxic person, there will always be certain challenges with stuff like bike riding, but the sense of responsibility is not so terrifying.

I also have the same and I love driving the sense of freedom but I was different in that the area we live you kindof need to drive and passed first rime so I always wanted to. Now my hubby was the opposite he came from the city used to buses etc he decided to learn to drive and after passing his test for the first year he almost gave it up till I said ok one day look it can be fun you see places you haven't etc. 3 years in he loves that damn car he has and loves taking the kids out on mystery days haha.

I'm Dyspraxic (and Dyslexic) and I'm an OK driver. Not best at parking and don't even try to reverse park. I park far away from other cars too.

It took me 8 times to pass practical and 3 theory.

Keep going.

@bluebeck how did hypnotherapy help?

I'm leaving this comment with the best intentions and I'm honestly not trying to kick you when you're down so please don't take it that way!

I think that there are some people who just can't drive safely and no amount of lessons or exposure can help them. My mother is one of them.

Like her, I would be very concerned that you're making dangerous manoeuvres at this stage. Combining that with the inability to then correct your mistake quickly and efficiently without panic is more concerning again.

I've definitely been the passenger who has had to quickly correct a driver when they have made a dangerous mistake. Especially when they've put me in serious danger in the process. So I do feel somewhat for your boyfriend!

I've stopped travelling with my mother altogether and I've even hidden her keys temporarily when I know she's planning on traveling somewhere (non urgent) for fear she's going to make a silly manoeuvre and kill someone else.

Oh also, I think try not to label yourself as a liability etc, I do that all the time and even if you're joking, it creeps in and your self esteem is very much affected by it, which will have a knock on affect re anxiety, which will affect your coordination. The vicious cycle. I am sure you know that already, if you've had any CBT!!

I'm similar I have ADHD and generalised anxiety disorder (both officially diagnosed) and it's also been suggested to me I'm dyspraxic. I have to drive for work and the only thing that's made it better is just getting out there and doing it. I go early on Sunday mornings to take the dog out walking somewhere we haven't been before - that's my practice day and I force myself to do it. Otherwise I drive familiar routes during the week and for work. If we have to go somewhere new and it isn't Sunday morning then DH drives us the first couple of times.

Sorry I've just read your opening message again and seen that you struggle with spatial awareness on a motorway.

No amount of Sunday morning practice is going to correct that and ultimately that's when someone (or multiple people) could get killed by getting clipped.

I personally wouldn't drive knowing I couldn't judge the space needed. You are obviously thoughtful and intelligent and a lovely person but driving isn't for you.

@Plumful It was a few years ago now so I am sketchy on the details. I remember I had to imagine that I had successfully completed the trip in question and arrived safely at my destination. I had to feel the sense of achievement and pride and confidence.

It is difficult to explain but it did make me feel more confident.

@hotcandle I agree with you. I have autism and mildish dyspraxia and get very anxious. I did try - lesson after lesson but it's like my brain can't process complex situations with a lot of road markings or traffic, especially not at high speeds, so I decided it was something best left.

My mother, like yours, was an awful driver and nearly killed me a couple of times, she once randomly swerved in front of a truck and my brother in the passanger seat had to grab the wheel.

I don't drive as I don't have the spacial awareness for it and therefore I'm too cautious to be safe on the roads. I eventually passed my test in similar conditions to you - very low traffic and therefore didn't have a fifth fail for hesitation at a junction. I've never driven since I passed. It was my mum that forced me to preserve and even she now acknowledges it was a mistake and I'd be a danger on the roads. When I moved out of London in my thirties I started cycling more and that's been my solution for poor public transport. With a bike I can just take myself to the side and out of the way if the traffic is stressing me out, and most of the places I go to I've found good off road or cycle paths to. Is there a public transport option you could cycle to?

Ah, thanks everyone for giving such thoughtful responses so soon. Obviously some of the replies have given me faith, understandably others are more a reality check and not exactly what I'd hoped to hear!

@hotcandle @Whathappenedto I do agree, believe me, I'd love to just walk, bike, or use public transport instead - I would definitely not bother myself with car ownership or the horrible risk of accidents otherwise. Sadly, it's just not possible where I'm based at this stage in my life. The only way to travel to my University campus/place of work (PhD and teaching) is on the motorway by car, or a notoriously unreliable set of 2 buses that take you all around the houses for 2.5hrs.
Sometimes, I literally resorted to £60 Uber trips and crashing at colleagues' houses until now. That's how crap it's been.
I just don't know what to do!

@bluebeck I'm prepared to give it a bit more time to break myself in - at this point I'm so keen for things to change, I'd be willing to give hypnotherapy a stab, despite my previous doubts. I'm interested in your experiences.

@SomeCatFromJapan yep, "brain can't process complex situations" sounds about right. I get tried and demoralised hearing people telling me to just use common sense, breathe, stay calm, don't listen to 'little voice in my head' etc :(

@calatheamama I really feel for you as you're obviously now in a situation where not driving will make things considerably trickier for you. How feasible would it be to make changes to where you live and for instance move closer to where you're studying?

Well you’re doing better than me as I won’t even drive on a motorway now. I have done, but usually with a passenger or a v short junction etc. but now I’m older my confidence has gone re motorways.
Drivers round my way are nuts as well, I ended up driving on an A road which I know well, in rush hour and people were doing awful manoeuvres around the junctions etc.
My advice to you if you have to drive on a motorway is to take a few advanced driving lessons

@calatheamama that sounds like a tricky situation, I feel for you! It's terrible just how crap rural transport is.

OP I really feel for you, and I think you should try and move too. I find it absolutely appalling that in the UK, which is a very crowded country with many cities, public transport is so bloody awful. The roads are full of terrible drivers who are forced onto the roads out of nessecity, and would rather not be! Around 25 thousand people are killed or seriously injured on the roads every year, you would think people would agitate for a decent public transport system, but they just don't.

I really do feel for you, as been able to drive does give you independence. I have no wish, as other here have said to give you a kick, when you are struggling. But have to agree, as some have said. I do not think driving is for you. You have to think of safety of others & yourself. My DH is dyslexic, dyspraxic & has anxiety plus also dyscalculic. He used to ride a motorbike. However he got confused on a busy road, that was unfamiliar & had a bump. No one else was hurt, his bike was a right off, significant damage to car he hit & he broke his leg. There was CCTV of the accident, 100% his fault & was strongly suggested that he discontinued riding & not take up driving. His brother ris the same but insists on driving, no one without exception will get in a car with him. It is a pain as I am then left to do all the driving, but it's just so much safer.

It's not just rural transport Whathappenedto it's most places except London.

I'm the same failed six tests and gave up. Had years and years of lessons and was no better at the end of it all. I have the added joy of not being able to recognise routes so could drive the same route repeatedly and the next lesson wuld have no clue that I had ever driven that way before so could never pre empt upcoming junctions or roundabouts. So glad now that twenty years years later my eyesight is now too bad to ever meet the minimum sight requirements so can use that as a reason I can't drive instead.

I think you need to give yourself credit for passing the driving test. Well done you!

I also recommend getting some advanced driver training and continuing to work on your anxiety. Also you may want to consider getting a new car with in built safety measures/ driver alerts. That may be enough to help you with your spatial awareness issues. Good luck!

If I were you I'd try to move closer to work, better that than having an accident. I know it's hard, but try to be kind to yourself, it sounds like you're doing your best to make things work.

@calatheamama it might sound like a daft question, but is there any way you can stay on campus during the week or any similar solution. Otherwise, it might be much better for you to move closer to your work