To fear that I will never be a safe or competent driver? (dyspraxia and anxiety)

[calatheamama]

Sorry, this is a a LONG one. I never imagined I'd be starting an entire thread here, but here we go, I have to get it off my chest...

For context, I'm 30yrs old and was diagnosed with dyspraxia as a child. I also struggle with generalised anxiety and panic disorder. I'm currently studying for a research council-funded PhD, so I've always succeeded academically - I guess I've always chosen activities that felt 'safe'. I struggle predominantly with gross motor skills, mental sequencing, spatial awareness and coordination, time management etc. Oddly, I never found fine motor skills such as art and playing musical instruments too bad - but ask me to play team sports, learn dance choreography, build flatpack furniture, work out how to operate tools or machinery, do anything involving fast-response time, etc? We're in hot water...

I never felt like dyspraxia/my brain held me back too severely until recently: my parents didn't pressure me to learn to drive when I was 17, so I went to university without a license and managed to get by with walking and buses, after which I moved to London during my 20s for approx 6 yrs and managed fine with the public transport system there (oddly, I didn't find it stressful, it gave me a sense of freedom and independence!)

Fast forward to 2020 and the pandemic. I'm in a long-term relationship and we decided to move out of London to the Midlands, where my partner (who I'm still with!) is originally from. Once we came out of lockdown, I soon realised that the public transport system was, well, abysmal outside of London. With my partner's encouragement, I started (manual) driving lessons, cycling through about 3 instructors until I found the right fit, yet I still caused multiple jump scares, shed many tears etc... It took me from summer 2020 to June this year (2023) to finally pass my test, having previously failed twice within the first 15 mins. I estimate that I spent thousands over pounds on 150+hrs of lessons.
When I did pass this June, I felt like an imposter, because 1) I managed to book a Sunday morning test, 2) the roads were basically empty, 3) the instructor asked me to complete the (imo) easiest manoeuvre of pulling up on the right (if he'd asked me to do a parallel park, I'd have been stuffed), and 4) I was dosed up on propranolol that had been prescribed!!! I just feel like, if the circumstances had been different, I'd have failed yet again.

For a while, I shared my partner's car, but I was too scared to drive alone, so we went driving together, which typically spiralled: I would panic and get upset, make objectively irrational decisions (e.g. turning right into oncoming traffic instead of an opposite lane at a crossroads...), my partner would get stressed and shout at me, I would get upset, he would continue raging, I would then be in such a blind panic that I couldn't even think straight anymore (on a couple of occasions, we had to make an emergency stop and swap seats because I was violently shaking and losing control of the steering wheel). I think, in this time, I developed a phobia of driving altogether. I'm also doing my PhD at this time, the campus of which is 30 miles away on the motorway. We happen to live in a part of the country which has some of the WORST train and bus links, which means a journey from A to B with a car is 30-40 minutes max, yet a public transport route is infrequent and lasts 2.5hrs... completely impractical and draining for anyone at the best of times, let alone someone depending on the route for work. I don't have any options to move closer to work, nor rely on lifts from anyone.

So, this summer, I decided that enough was enough - I had to make progress, (mainly because I'm also starting graduate teaching on campus) and felt I needed my own car to do so. I ended up using much of my savings to purchase a lovely secondhand automatic, which - I admit - has improved things significantly (no more stress about gear changes). I have my good days - sometimes, when things are going well, I love my little car and the driving experience. But I'm still not 100%. I'm still frequently making potentially dangerous mistakes, getting overwhelmed, still having nightmares about driving collisions and getting trapped on the motorway. I feel so guilty, because my DD used some of his pension fund to help me out with buying the car, but now there are days when I feel like it's a financially-draining/anxiety-inducing burden or death trap, rather than something enhancing my life. I feel so ashamed for not being able to do something so straight-forward that so many people - even kids 10yrs younger than me - do everyday, with confidence.

At this point, I guess my dyspraxia and anxiety are stuck in a vicious loop - the dyspraxia aggravates my anxiety, but the anxiety and panic only heighten my dyspraxia symptoms and the likelihood of 'mind blanks' and making irrational decisions. (Note: I've tried several long-term anxiety medications e.g. sertraline, but they have not improved anything, only given me debilitating side effects. I don't really want to spend the rest of my 'driving career' necking beta blockers, either.)

Examples of things I still struggle with, even after passing: spatial awareness in relation to other vehicles in terms of things like motorway lane changes; anything involving 'mirroring'; coordination with reverse parking and manoeuvring; generally understanding which way to turn the wheel when reversing (yes, I know, seems simple...); understanding which lane I need to be in to make correct turns and entering roundabouts; working out/staying in the correct line on multi-lane and spiral roundabouts because all the criss-crossing lines seem to confuse/overstimulate my brain...

I'm at my wit's end. It's hard trying to explain my experience of driving with friends, family and my partner. They claim a lot of things I struggle with are usual, that I just need to 'buckle up and get on with it', acting like I'm just making excuses, but it feels like this is different somehow... I feel so worried about not being able to sort out driving in time for the new term, impacting involvement with my Phd community, teaching responsibilities, or even career prospects... but mostly, the paralysing fear that I'll risk harming myself or - much, much worse - somebody else on the road, because I still seem to struggle to much with things. Harming someone else... honestly, I wouldn't be able to live with myself.

I guess what I'm asking is: has anyone else struggled with anything similar? Is there hope? Do I just need to persevere (like practising all the time on quiet roads, Sunday mornings etc) if it's just a case of experience and things taking longer with my brain? Am I overthinking it all/being overly emotional? Or will I always just be a frustrating and potentially dangerous liability on the road, and have to adapt my life accordingly? It's true I never had any real desire to drive other than necessity - is it true some people just shouldn't drive?

AIBU or keep going out on the road, or AIBU not to keep mindfully trying?
I've heard from others with dyspraxia and anxiety that they became safe and competent drivers in time... p.s. sorry if I've pissed anyone off on the road with my erratic driving!!!!

I'm in two minds about this - on the one hand I think there are certain strategies you could still try that other people have mentioned such as having further lessons and using a sat nav. I used to practice a route when it was quiet a number of times before doing it when busy so that by the time I was driving in rush hour I knew what lane I had to be in, which exit to take etc.

Do you find you make the most mistakes / panic when you are in an unfamiliar road? If so, I think it would be entirely fair to only drive to work and avoid journeys you are not very familiar with.

On the other hand it does sound like some of your mistakes are worryingly dangerous. It is one thing to never parallel park and completely another to turn directly into oncoming traffic. If you are making these sorts of mistakes, particularly with motorway driving then you might need to simply accept you can't drive. Saying that, motorway driving is a skill which (I don't think) is covered in the test and you can have lessons on how to drive on the motorway but, having problems changing lanes etc especially at high speed is a recipe for disaster.

The fact you need to drive for work (or at least it makes it significantly easier) should not factor into your assessment of whether you are safe to drive. You need to be 100% honest with yourself, and if that turns out you can't drive safely then you will need to come up with a more sustainable commuting solution. It isn't fair to put other road users in a dangerous situation because you want to drive to work.

It took me six tests over a period of six years to pass. Within a month of passing and getting my first car, I crashed and almost wrote the car off.

I nearly gave up then but I brushed myself off and kept going.

I've been driving for 6 years now, and I am not a confident driver. For example, I don't drive on motorways. But I am confident on quite busy high streets etc around where I grew up in London, and I got a job that required me to drive national speed limit country roads each day. I do get anxious on them in certain weather conditions etc, but I am generally fine.

Keep driving- it will get easier.

I am a nervous driver but I find that if I do the same route over and over again it feels much safer for me when I know the roads and exactly where I'm going. I don't like people randomly asking me for a lift home etc. that's when I panic. So I do sympathise op but I wonder if the solution is to just keep doing the route to work everyday until you feel confident with that particular drive and parking at the end? I only drive to about 5 places on a regular basis and my partner drives if we're ever going somewhere via a motorway. If I need to drive somewhere new and feel anxious about it my partner will sit in the car with me and tell me where to go the first time as a practice run, before I have to drive there by myself.

It's very difficult for others to understand but I just have absolutely no sense of direction, although I do feel able to control the car. I can't give tourists directions either, not sure if I've got an undiagnosed condition or if there's just a bit of brain missing. I will get lost trying to find my way back from the toilets at a restaurant and almost ended up backstage at the theatre once.

I have a child who’s been diagnosed with dyspraxia and ASD, and reading your post makes me think I may well have dyspraxia too. It’s all very familiar, including the problem of knowing which way to turn the wheel when reversing!

it’s taken a long time but I have improved lots. I stick to routes I know and memorise the lanes to use. When going new places when someone else is driving I pay close attention to what they do.

One thing I have noticed is that new cars are getting more helpful to drivers. My partner’s new car will beep if he is going over a lane and automatically slow the car down if approaching an obstacle, also it has back cameras to help with parking. If you can get a car like that in the long run bet that would help.