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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have swapped the bedrooms around with DSS knowing?

56 replies

sadimas · 18/09/2023 12:37

So I don't drip feed I will add some background, sorry if this is long. There is much more to it but I'll try to summarise.

My DP has one child from his previous relationship and we have one together. DSS didn't take the news that DP was in a relationship with me very well which wasn't helped by his mum lying saying I was the reason they'd split etc. All through our relationship his mum has been trying to turn DSS against DP/both of us. Neither of us are perfect but we love DSS and none of what his mum is telling him is true. He was 10 when DD was born and she started telling him DP didn't love him anymore which made him resent DD a lot and would try to hurt her, when she started walking he'd push her. DP tried and tried to rebuild the relationship but it didn't work.

He's not been here since Christmas. Since then he's been refusing to come, DP has tried asking if he wants to go somewhere else but he gets ignored. He turns 17 near the end of this month.

Just before his birthday ex messaged him and told him he was having sex with girls (not a girlfriend) and he needed to talk to him. He went over there and tried to speak to him and gave him a box of condoms. He didn't listen and told DP to leave him alone and to stop getting involved in his business.

Yesterday ex messaged DP and asked to pick DSS up as he was still inviting girls round that she didn't know and she caught him having sex and if she did then her younger children could've. He told her that he was going to carry on so she sent him here.

He was angry as soon as he got here but he was made worse when he realised that DD has his old room and he's in the box room. DD is 6 and had a lot of toys which wouldn't fit in her box room so we thought it made sense that DD took the bigger room. DP agreed.

He was shouting and telling us to fuck off. I went out with DD. DP later told me he didn't calm down and told him it's up to him what he does and no one else. He stormed out and wasn't answering his phone. This was about 5pm. We were both worried but he came back around 11, very drunk. DP dealt with him. But DP now thinks maybe we were a little unreasonable in swapping rooms without DSS knowing and thinks we should maybe switch them back. I don't think we should as he’ll then think having an outburst will get him his own way and we wouldn't have done the swapping if he was coming here regularly. AIBU?

OP posts:
ASCCM · 18/09/2023 12:40

Be an absolute shit to the adults in your life and get your room back?

Jesus no.

I wouldn’t even have him and his behaviour in the house. Not fair and not cool.

AlwaysFreezing · 18/09/2023 12:41

Oh dear. It's about more than the room though.

I'd hang tight with the room, I mean, I can see why he'd be annoyed but I can also see why you'd put the kid who lives there all of the time in the bigger room too.

Perhaps a bit of father son time, couple of nights away, might be an idea?

DustyLee123 · 18/09/2023 12:41

No, he doesn’t get your DD’s room.
And he’s nearly 17 so you don’t get to tell him what to do, especially as you’ve not been in his life that much lately, but you do get to set house rules that he either sticks to, or gets out.

LaLaLouella · 18/09/2023 12:42

No, don't reward his tantrum.

He has a room in your house and he's welcome to use it, that's enough.

Certainlyreally · 18/09/2023 12:43

He may be 17, but he is still a hurting child.

Ex has created a monster, but thats happened and you cannot change it.

Try talking to him, explain why the rooms were changed round, and do offer to put them back if he wants to stay with you more.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 18/09/2023 12:43

Well you definitely can’t move them back now, as that just rewards really awful behaviour.

I do think your DH should have told him about the swap at the time though, ans explained why.

At 17, he’ll be able to move out soon if eh wants so I wouldn’t think he needed a bigger room over a 6 yo who’ll be there for longer.

VickyEadieofThigh · 18/09/2023 12:43

LaLaLouella · 18/09/2023 12:42

No, don't reward his tantrum.

He has a room in your house and he's welcome to use it, that's enough.

Exactly this.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 18/09/2023 12:44

Obviously your DH should explain why now, and also I agree some father / son time is needed.

FairyPolka · 18/09/2023 12:47

Well, I feel very sorry for him, actually. He’s lived through what must’ve been a confusing time with his parents splitting up and handling it immaturely. He’s 17 so so having sex and drinking are pretty normal things at that age. His mum just sounds angry at everyone which has clearly rubbed off on the son who’s now also angry at everyone. And yes, out of courtesy, it might have been nice to mention you'd swapped the rooms about. I think everyone needs to calm down, cut this poor lad some slack and stop treating him like he’s 7. I hope he finds some sanctuary at your home.

Cornwallsummer · 18/09/2023 12:47

No I wouldn't give the room back but think it was wrong not to tell him about the rooms before

Thebigblueballoon · 18/09/2023 12:50

It makes more sense for your daughter to have the bigger room, but you were a bit shit for not talking to him about it first. No wonder he’s displaying issues with communication.

Scarlettpixie · 18/09/2023 12:51

I was really expecting to say you were unreasonable but in those circumstances you aren’t. He hasn’t been there since Christmas and it makes sense for the child who lives there to have the bigger room. If he had been coming eow or any sort of regularly (though considerably less than 50:50j I would have said you should have discussed it with him first but here I can see why you didn’t.

No way should you move DD as a result of him kicking off.

It sounds really difficult though. Good luck.

Owjrbvr · 18/09/2023 12:53

It sounds like he wanted a fight and would have started it over anything to be honest.
It probably would have been better to have told him about the room move but in the circumstances I don’t think there ever would have been a good time.
Don’t give him the room back, set some ground rules and be clear he won’t stay if he doesn’t keep to them

OhmygodDont · 18/09/2023 12:54

His mums created a monster who she now can’t handle and has decided that actually dad and op are good enough funny that.

Anyway no it’s not wrong to give the resident child the bigger room when it’s not been used for so long.

He needs therapy though with and without his dad.

AnneLovesGilbert · 18/09/2023 12:59

Is he staying now? Is he still being aggressive to your daughter? His dad will need to watch him like a hawk, he’s already angry and getting drunk and abusive. Your daughter’s safety needs to come first.

He's still got a room in your house despite not coming over for 9 months. He can sleep in it or he can bugger off elsewhere.

HeffyAgain · 18/09/2023 13:08

Not a snowballs chance in hell would he be getting the bigger room at this point (if he was only staying at weekends originally he should have had the smaller room anyway as your daughter would have got the most benefit from the bigger bedroom living there full time)
His mother has created a monster however lots of children go through nasty break ups and manage not to behave like petulant brats.
I would definitely be making some ground rules right now - number one being that he behaves appropriately or finds somewhere else to stay, your daughter doesn't need an almost adult angry male acting out in her home.

MaybeSmaller · 18/09/2023 13:12

It doesn't remotely excuse any of his other behaviour, but yes, it was shitty of your DP to agree to move his room without the courtesy of telling him and involving him in that decision. It's still his home and should be a sanctuary for him.

I feel sorry for him, he's been dealt a shit hand by the two main adults in his life. It sounds like neither of his parents GAF and would prefer it if he wasn't around.

FucksSakeSusan · 18/09/2023 13:14

MaybeSmaller · 18/09/2023 13:12

It doesn't remotely excuse any of his other behaviour, but yes, it was shitty of your DP to agree to move his room without the courtesy of telling him and involving him in that decision. It's still his home and should be a sanctuary for him.

I feel sorry for him, he's been dealt a shit hand by the two main adults in his life. It sounds like neither of his parents GAF and would prefer it if he wasn't around.

100% this. He'll be feeling rejected by you and your DP on top of everything else. You should have spoken to him before you did it.

MaybeSmaller · 18/09/2023 13:18

I would definitely be making some ground rules right now - number one being that he behaves appropriately or finds somewhere else to stay, your daughter doesn't need an almost adult angry male acting out in her home.

Ground rules? For sure.

But he's still a child. It's his home. Where his Dad lives. He's not some errant lodger that OP can just kick out if he acts up.

Yes, OP will obviously prioritise her own child. But her DP should be looking out for his son in equal measure.

HeffyAgain · 18/09/2023 13:30

MaybeSmaller · 18/09/2023 13:18

I would definitely be making some ground rules right now - number one being that he behaves appropriately or finds somewhere else to stay, your daughter doesn't need an almost adult angry male acting out in her home.

Ground rules? For sure.

But he's still a child. It's his home. Where his Dad lives. He's not some errant lodger that OP can just kick out if he acts up.

Yes, OP will obviously prioritise her own child. But her DP should be looking out for his son in equal measure.

Perhaps, but I have a 17 year old son and a 13 year old daughter.....absolutely no way would I let him make her feel scared to be in her own home (or vice verse for that matter!).
It's not about which child belongs to who, he needs to learn rapidly that his behaviour is not acceptable.
His feelings can be dealt with separately and he does need time with his dad. He doesn't need a bigger bedroom and to be allowed to create havoc wherever he goes.

NuffSaidSam · 18/09/2023 13:36

Definitely don't swap the rooms back.

In an ideal world I would have let him know in advance that I'd done it, but given the circumstances I can see why you didn't/couldn't.

He sounds like a very angry, very disturbed young man. I wouldn't have him in the house with a young DC. I think you need to find an alternative arrangement.

ThomasHardyPerennial · 18/09/2023 13:39

You should have told him about the rooms. His room was his space, and you could have all moved stuff together. You didn't respect his space.

Can't give it back now, but you need to apologise to him.

Ponderingwindow · 18/09/2023 13:44

You messed up badly.

I wouldn’t switch the rooms back, but you need to admit to him that moving his things and swapping the rooms without talking to him was not ok.

AnneLovesGilbert · 18/09/2023 13:51

Ponderingwindow · 18/09/2023 13:44

You messed up badly.

I wouldn’t switch the rooms back, but you need to admit to him that moving his things and swapping the rooms without talking to him was not ok.

Absolute crap. She’s not accountable to him.

Thoughtful2355 · 18/09/2023 14:11

to be fair he doesnt live there and hasnt visited for months which was his choice. Of course you were going to move his room and fuck him for his entitlement

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