Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have swapped the bedrooms around with DSS knowing?

56 replies

sadimas · 18/09/2023 12:37

So I don't drip feed I will add some background, sorry if this is long. There is much more to it but I'll try to summarise.

My DP has one child from his previous relationship and we have one together. DSS didn't take the news that DP was in a relationship with me very well which wasn't helped by his mum lying saying I was the reason they'd split etc. All through our relationship his mum has been trying to turn DSS against DP/both of us. Neither of us are perfect but we love DSS and none of what his mum is telling him is true. He was 10 when DD was born and she started telling him DP didn't love him anymore which made him resent DD a lot and would try to hurt her, when she started walking he'd push her. DP tried and tried to rebuild the relationship but it didn't work.

He's not been here since Christmas. Since then he's been refusing to come, DP has tried asking if he wants to go somewhere else but he gets ignored. He turns 17 near the end of this month.

Just before his birthday ex messaged him and told him he was having sex with girls (not a girlfriend) and he needed to talk to him. He went over there and tried to speak to him and gave him a box of condoms. He didn't listen and told DP to leave him alone and to stop getting involved in his business.

Yesterday ex messaged DP and asked to pick DSS up as he was still inviting girls round that she didn't know and she caught him having sex and if she did then her younger children could've. He told her that he was going to carry on so she sent him here.

He was angry as soon as he got here but he was made worse when he realised that DD has his old room and he's in the box room. DD is 6 and had a lot of toys which wouldn't fit in her box room so we thought it made sense that DD took the bigger room. DP agreed.

He was shouting and telling us to fuck off. I went out with DD. DP later told me he didn't calm down and told him it's up to him what he does and no one else. He stormed out and wasn't answering his phone. This was about 5pm. We were both worried but he came back around 11, very drunk. DP dealt with him. But DP now thinks maybe we were a little unreasonable in swapping rooms without DSS knowing and thinks we should maybe switch them back. I don't think we should as he’ll then think having an outburst will get him his own way and we wouldn't have done the swapping if he was coming here regularly. AIBU?

OP posts:
Purplewarrior · 18/09/2023 14:18

I agree that you should have told him you were swapping the rooms, which is perfectly reasonable.

I am not sure why the ex is dragging DP into her household disputes with DSS. Would you two get her to talk to DSS if he wasn’t tidying up after himself properly or leaving windows open? I doubt it.

I agree with PP that DP should spend some 1:1 time with his son away from the house.

rainbowstardrops · 18/09/2023 14:19

I agree he's probably hurting and is resentful etc but he hasn't visited your house for nearly nine months, so of course he should get the box room and your daughter who is there 100% get the larger room!
It sounds like his mother has poisoned him but I have no idea how unsupportive your partner has been as well.
Getting drunk, sleeping around and being aggressive wouldn't get very far with me.

LookItsMeAgain · 18/09/2023 14:25

This might be an unpopular opinion, but I think this is a situation that your DP and his ex need to sort out about their son and leave you and your DD out of it.

Bearbookagainandagain · 18/09/2023 14:29

It does sounds like your SS has been quite messed up with the divorce and what happened in the following years, I feel sorry for him. I think you were right about the rooms but at 17 I can imagine that it feels like a rejection from his dad, on top of his mum already kicking him out!
It doesn't look like he has much support from anyone in his life, and I'm not surprised he is acting out.

In your shoes I would consider changing the rooms back if he plans on staying, not because he is making a fuss but because he needs the space more. But bigger changes are necessary or it will be hell for all of you...

MrsMiddleMother · 18/09/2023 14:37

Absolutely DO NOT swap the rooms back, it's ridiculous that's even being discussed. The child who's home it is every single day deserves the bigger bedroom. Dss hasn't even been in the home for 9 months and your dp can't just expect to suddenly be able parent a troubled 17 year old and his ex shouldn't expect that either. At the end of the day, she needs to put down ground rules in her own room with some back up from your dp, not just send him packing to his dad's who he doesnt have much to do with by the sound of it.

brassbells · 18/09/2023 14:43

I agree with other posters that DP messed up by not talking to his DS before and or during the room move BUT that has happened so you can't change it back due to his temper

I sort of feel sorry for him too as he isn't wanted at his Mum's and then he comes over and his space has been changed by his Dad - so he feels he isn't wanted there either

You mentioned his mum said about other children in her house?

So she has a new relationship and more children?

So has he been pushed out by the step dad there too? How was his relationship with him?

I totally agree your DP and his DS should go out for the day or for a weekend to get to know each other again otherwise he will have no relationship with him in the future

Also, counselling sounds like a good plan especially for him and maybe both of his parents all together so he gets to hear the other side without shouting and slamming doors etc

TenderDandelions · 18/09/2023 14:54

I do also have some sympathy for DSS. If the ex is as bad as it sounds, he has been forced to go and stay with the people he believes to blame for his parents' split and now he's discovered that the "safe space" he probably never admitted to having has been taken away from him.

I agree that your DP should have told his son about the change of rooms when it happened, but on the basis he hadn't visited or spoken to him it doesn't sound like there would have been a huge amount of opportunity. Or, if he had, he'd have kicked off then, rather than now.

The decision to change the rooms around was the right one and it's on your DP for not discussing it with him.

That said, his behaviour now is clearly totally unacceptable (both at the ex's house and yours) and you were right to remove yourself and your DD from the situation. Your poor DD shouldn't have to witness that in her own home.

Unfortunately the ex has sent him to yours as "punishment", which is never going to end well, even if he had his original room.

The shagging around is not going to be acceptable in your home either. I don't know what the answer is OP, but I feel most for you and your DD in this situation. It sounds like he's on the verge of going off the rails. Is he still at school/college? Is there any support from there?

WhereYouLeftIt · 18/09/2023 15:29

"Yesterday ex messaged DP and asked to pick DSS up as he was still inviting girls round that she didn't know and she caught him having sex and if she did then her younger children could've. He told her that he was going to carry on so she sent him here."

Well your DP's ex is reaping what she sowed, isn't she? She's been dripping poison into her son's ear about his dad and about you for years. But now she wants her poisoned son to listen to the person she told him was awful? She wants the person who she said was awful to reach her son emotionally, when she's spent years making sure he couldn't? She's washed her hands of the consequences of her own actions and "sent him here"? She's got a nerve!

Obviously the rooms stay as they are. He has chosen not to visit since Christmas, and if his mum had had her way, he probably wouldn't have been back at all. I would not keep a six year old in a box room when a full-size bedroom was going to waste - because that is what was happening.

Would I have contacted you stepson to tell him the rooms were being swapped? Probably not, because to him it would have sounded like you were trying to rub salt in his wounds. He probably had no intention of returning either, so would have wondered what the fuck you were contacting him for other than to tell him he was being 'demoted'. It's not a conversation that would have gone well.

It sucks, buy your stepson is not going to be able to listen to you. His mother has made sure of that. Maybe in time and with maturity he would be able to see past her lies, but that time is not now and is unlikely to be anytime soon.

The only person who has any chance of getting through to him is, unfortunately, his mother. She has trained him to believe her lies. So she's going to have to step up here and start being a decent parent to him - and a decent parent does NOT send him to live with people she has trained him to detest! Yes, he may feel that he is being rejected by his father; but I'd bet good money he's been told his father rejected him for years. He needs to move back in with his mother.

I'd be telling him firmly that by not coming since Christmas, he made it clear he didn't want to be here. On that basis, there was a bedroom going begging, and you did the obvious thing by moving the resident child into the now-empty room. Do NOT apologise for doing so! You'd never have done it, never even have thought of it, if he had still been coming round. Consequences. I'd then be firmly telling him that it's clear he still doesn't want to be here, and as such you think it's best all round if he returns to live with his mother.

And I'd be having BIG words with Mommie Dearest that this is all her own work, and she now gets to undo the damage she has wreaked upon her son, and she doesn't get to send him away for someone else to bear the brunt of his current behaviour. Her poison, her consequences.

WhereYouLeftIt · 18/09/2023 15:33

Oh, and obviously when I say 'you' I mean you, plural - you and DP as a collective 'you'. Present yourselves to your stepson as a united front.

gamerchick · 18/09/2023 15:38

Id send him back. If there wasn't a vulnerable child in the house I might give it a shot. If it's not ok for mother's kids to walk on him having sex then how is it ok for OPs kid?

If the dad persists in wanting to swap rooms, it'll be you're welcome to set up in your own pad and take your kid with you. He's weak, his ex has been allowed to fuck things up. She doesn't just get to wash her hands of it. Consequence to using her kid as a weapon.

MrsMara · 18/09/2023 15:53

Ponderingwindow · 18/09/2023 13:44

You messed up badly.

I wouldn’t switch the rooms back, but you need to admit to him that moving his things and swapping the rooms without talking to him was not ok.

Absolute tosh.

This isn't a 10 year old whose room was swiped the weekend he was at his mums. This is an almost adult who is sexually active, drinking AND who hasn't wanted to stay at OP's for months.

Not a chance would I give him his old room back.

Stimpend · 18/09/2023 15:59

Tantrum? Harsh. His world's been turned upside down, it's pretty normal to kick off about it.

It's not really about the rooms (much) so I would leave them as they are, but read up on parenting teens or go on a course. Showing him you listen to him and hear him is important. That doesn't mean being a walkover or just doing what you think he wants. You'll have a much easier job if he has some open communication lines with at least one of you.

Bumply · 18/09/2023 16:06

My sons used to share a room until Ds1 went to Uni (commuting from his Dad's)

Once he'd got his degree his Dad turfed him out (I've had him for 4 years, you can have him back). Ds1 knew ds2 had made their room his own and didn't expect him to squeeze him back in, so he slept on the sofa in the living room for a year until he'd found a flat of his own.

Whatthefuck3456 · 18/09/2023 16:29

The minute a child a lot older tries to hurt your baby that’s the minute he would be disowned. The mum can deal with what she has created and is to blame! All because her x partner moved on she sounds very bitter. Don’t leave your daughter alone with the other child, it’s stories like these that you read in the paper when they harm their siblings out of jealousy!

coolkatt · 18/09/2023 17:36

WhereYouLeftIt · 18/09/2023 15:29

"Yesterday ex messaged DP and asked to pick DSS up as he was still inviting girls round that she didn't know and she caught him having sex and if she did then her younger children could've. He told her that he was going to carry on so she sent him here."

Well your DP's ex is reaping what she sowed, isn't she? She's been dripping poison into her son's ear about his dad and about you for years. But now she wants her poisoned son to listen to the person she told him was awful? She wants the person who she said was awful to reach her son emotionally, when she's spent years making sure he couldn't? She's washed her hands of the consequences of her own actions and "sent him here"? She's got a nerve!

Obviously the rooms stay as they are. He has chosen not to visit since Christmas, and if his mum had had her way, he probably wouldn't have been back at all. I would not keep a six year old in a box room when a full-size bedroom was going to waste - because that is what was happening.

Would I have contacted you stepson to tell him the rooms were being swapped? Probably not, because to him it would have sounded like you were trying to rub salt in his wounds. He probably had no intention of returning either, so would have wondered what the fuck you were contacting him for other than to tell him he was being 'demoted'. It's not a conversation that would have gone well.

It sucks, buy your stepson is not going to be able to listen to you. His mother has made sure of that. Maybe in time and with maturity he would be able to see past her lies, but that time is not now and is unlikely to be anytime soon.

The only person who has any chance of getting through to him is, unfortunately, his mother. She has trained him to believe her lies. So she's going to have to step up here and start being a decent parent to him - and a decent parent does NOT send him to live with people she has trained him to detest! Yes, he may feel that he is being rejected by his father; but I'd bet good money he's been told his father rejected him for years. He needs to move back in with his mother.

I'd be telling him firmly that by not coming since Christmas, he made it clear he didn't want to be here. On that basis, there was a bedroom going begging, and you did the obvious thing by moving the resident child into the now-empty room. Do NOT apologise for doing so! You'd never have done it, never even have thought of it, if he had still been coming round. Consequences. I'd then be firmly telling him that it's clear he still doesn't want to be here, and as such you think it's best all round if he returns to live with his mother.

And I'd be having BIG words with Mommie Dearest that this is all her own work, and she now gets to undo the damage she has wreaked upon her son, and she doesn't get to send him away for someone else to bear the brunt of his current behaviour. Her poison, her consequences.

yip, exactly this, agree with it all.

NumberTheory · 18/09/2023 17:49

I don’t think it was wrong to change the rooms over if he’s been refusing to come round for 9 months and was only there part time anyway, though messaging him to let him know what was happening, along with all the other things happening in your lives, would have been good as a way of trying to keep him somewhat in the loop. But if he’s going to move in permanently, then I think you should give him the bigger room.

Don’t use the room as punishment or reward. He’s clearly messed up because of his mum. Think how bad it would feel to grow up in circumstances where your mum is constantly telling you your dad doesn’t love you, then, when you do something she doesn’t like, she kicks you out and makes you go and live with the very person she’s told you doesn’t love you. He’s had a messed up upbringing and he deserved better. Lashing out is not the way he should be handling things, but it’s not surprising he doesn’t know how to handle his emotions when he’s been living with someone so manipulative who doesn’t put his best interests first.

So when it comes to the rooms, put his behaviour to one side and think - if you had a 17 year old son and a six year old daughter living at home - who would get each room? In most cases, the older child gets the bigger room and the younger child graduates to it when the older child moves on/out. That’s how you had things before. If he’s going to be living with you permanently, you should probably go back to that.

But you also need to deal with his anger and feelings of abandonment. Your DH needs to find a way to connect with him and get him some therapy.

Original poster
sadimas · 18/09/2023 17:50

Whenever DP messaged him, he was ignored which is why he didn't tell him we were swapping the rooms around.

He would come here 50/50 when he was younger but prior to when he came here at Christmas he wasn't really coming here. DP didn't give him his birthday present until Christmas because he said if he wasn't coming here then he couldn't have it which may have been the wrong approach.

I don't think his mum would have an issue with him having sex if it was with a girlfriend but it's with multiple girls that his mum didn't know, it has been a year since DP spoke to him about it and it didn't do anything so I'm unsure what we can do about it as he's already told DP he'll be doing the same here.

OP posts:
aSofaNearYou · 18/09/2023 17:59

He was pushing a baby over at 11?

No he shouldn't get his room back, he's old enough to understand that his six year old sister who lives with you needed that room and he was no longer coming, plus far too close to adulthood to be given the biggest room.

aSofaNearYou · 18/09/2023 18:02

His mum is also certainly old enough to understand that she alienated him from his dad, and the consequence is that she now has to deal with more of the shitty bits of parenting herself.

Thesearmsofmine · 18/09/2023 18:08

You should have told him about swapping the rooms and given him the opportunity to come and move his stuff if he wanted. It doesn’t warrant his behaviour but I can see why he is lashing out this way. I kind of feel sorry for him tbh.

MrsMara · 18/09/2023 18:09

I don't think his mum would have an issue with him having sex if it was with a girlfriend but it's with multiple girls that his mum didn't know, it has been a year since DP spoke to him about it and it didn't do anything so I'm unsure what we can do about it as he's already told DP he'll be doing the same here

'Be doing the same here' as in having sex with multiple partners at your home?

I personally wouldn't let him stay where my 6 yr old dd lives, though not sure what you can do short of insisting he leaves.

PizzaPizzaYumYum · 18/09/2023 18:41

Being upset at losing 'his' bedroom is understandable, but he needs to learn that shouting, getting drunk and intimidating people is not how adults should respond to something which they find unfair. If he is having sex and going out drinking then he is acting like an adult, so should be expected to act like one in this situation.

coolkatt · 18/09/2023 19:20

uve done nothing wrong.
your child is just as entitled to a decent room. the ss has chosen not to come. he's old enough to know better and make choices. if he refuses to speak and visit what are you expected to do?
the ex has a lot to answer for.

literalviolence · 18/09/2023 20:03

Your SS sounds very troubled. Even if he had ignored the text, I do think your DP should have let him know that the rooms were going to be swopped.

ThePoint678 · 18/09/2023 20:21

This is much more that swapping the rooms. You all need to step up and support him. Get counselling, firm boundaries that apply to both households and show him care and compassion.