If you had a child in your 40s, how was when they got to teens?

[ppikkmkl]

Very very unexpectedly I have just found myself pregnant at the grand age of 43. This would be our second, though we were not trying and it's a complete surprise. Currently considering our options as we have a 5 year old and I wasnt expecting to be going back to nappies. Currently am in fine health but I am freaking out about what it would be like to have a 20 year old aged 64. It just feels too old, much, much too old.

If you had a child in your 40s, what was it like when they got to secondary and uni years? Did you feel too old? Were you just too tired? Did you ever regret it?

I got unexpectedly pregnant at 42 and am 53 now with an 11 yo and 15 yo. DH is now 59. I would say it’s been a lot harder these last few years and my youngest hasn’t had as much ‘running about’ type fun as my oldest. But we fill that gap with other things.

At the moment the things that worry me that might not be the same for younger parents:

my menopause and keeping my hormones in good balance
being v conscious about mine and DHs long-term-health
Ageing parents and in-laws and the tension that arises with busy lives with tween/teens plus knowing that our parents need more and more from us
Financial planning: we’ll need 10 more years working to see the youngest through to early 20s. Fortunately (due to our great ages lol) we own our house outright but I want both kids to have equal assistance from us ages 18-21.

But otherwise it’s great. I don’t regret it. I’d say it goes a long way to keeping me young at heart and in manner.

Hi there, I can’t say from personal experience but my lovely midwife had her first at 45 and 2nd at 48, she was a very happy lady, loved her life and kids hugely, no sign of any regrets there! I will also be a mature mum when mine are teens but then I understand (having friends with teens) that things shift so much and I see being more mature to handle the emotional/ social challenges of those years as an advantage (I wouldn’t have handled teen pressures well in my twenties! Or even thirties! But that just me haha, no reflection on anyone here! 😄)

I'm glad you asked this. I'm 41 and about to have a baby. I saw my uncle yesterday who's 82 and frail and I suddenly thought that's the age gap between me and my child. It scared me. My own mum died young so I never saw get past middle age.

I’m 61 year old mum to an 18 year old. The teen years much the same as for anyone, I feel. There were detractors amongst other new mums, but at the end of the day they are now 50 something, what’s the difference 🤷‍♀️

I had my kids in my 40s and I am 60 now. Their teen years have been fine so far, but they are both very stable and well behaved, so haven't caused me too much angst. It might be different if they were stroppy or staying out all hours, as I don't think I'd have much patience with that. But then again, I don't think I would have handled that well if I'd been 10 or 20 years younger either. I think personality counts for more than age.

It is such a personal thing. You might really thrive on it and it’ll help you feel younger and more connected to the younger generation. Not me but my grandparents had an unexpected final child in their mid 40s and it nearly did them in, they booted him out at age 15 (more normal in those days) as they felt they had missed out on some good years together through it.

It's fine. I was 41 when DD, who is now 12, was born (second child, four year age gap). We get on really well. Whenever she mentions that her friends' parents are younger, I tell her that older mums shout at their kids less, so she should count her blessings. (I vaguely remember seeing a story about some research into this earlier this year. Actually just googled it and found this: https://www.nbcnews.com/better/health/5-advantages-being-older-parent-ncna775581#).

My friend had her one and only at 45. She is incredibly fit (she is a competitive swimmer) and intends to be well into her middle age.
You will be fine OP.

I know a woman who had an unplanned son at 43 and it was fine, I think some bits like him boomeranging back after uni and again before buying a home were hard when they were in their 60's and 70's but he's a lovely young man with a beautiful fiancé. He had an older brother (17 years older) and I think he probably did more of the running about stuff with his wee brother and they parents were better off by then so he had lots of extra curricular stuff drama, sports etc. Basically it was fine.

I am sixty four with a nineteen year old.
I ask him how it is and he seems to be coping!
He once told me that my maturity and experience make up for any deficiencies!
We do a lot of things together, cooking decorating and a bit of gardening.
His friends parents might be 54 but there isn't that much difference. I don't know how the years will pan out, but so far so good.

I knew a lady who had her first at 40 and her last at 48, her four children are all late teens/early 20s now and she’s still in good health and they’ve never struggled having an older mother. I think it all depends on your health and whether you can hack all the running around and stress of young children especially as you’d be nearing menopause around the pre teen years. I think as long as you keep tip top health you’d be fine and the fact you already have a 5 year old I wouldn’t say it’s a huge difference!

@motheroreily I'm 41 too and just had a baby when I was 40 over the summer. My mum is in her late 70's and in good health, very active and happy. Yes she's a bit less active than she was but I think having kids a little later keeps you young, physically and mentally.

Growing up I appreciated all the positive things my slightly older parents brought to our family, even if they weren't quite as trendy as some of my friends parents!

Try not to worry too much, just enjoy being a new mum, hope all goes well x

If you stay fit and healthy then the plus side is everyone will assume you are younger ! I’m mid 50s with a teen and don’t feel any older than the other school mums, though I have at least 10 years on most of them! Also the teens are very into 80s cover versions at the moment so we have music in common.

I'm 64 with a 21 yr old. The teenage years were much the same as everyone else's. I have obviously always been older than the other parents, but it hasn't been an issue. I have never regretted having my child. Just enjoy your baby.

I had a DC at 43 and am now 65 with a 22 year old ... it's hard to know how 'different' it might have been if we'd become parents when we were younger but I have no regrets and DS seems happy and well adjusted. Personally I would not have wanted to have a DC when I was younger (& it was a deliberate choice not to). We were nearly always the 'oldest' parents around but it never seemed an issue. We had plenty of time to get involved with our DS's activities... we were Cub/scout leaders, sports coaches, school governors etc. And financially life was a lot easier than if we'd had DC younger. We have got good health which obviously helps .. but it was always my DH doing the active stuff with the kids rather than the younger Dads .
I don't think our DS was/is embarrassed by having older parents .. anymore than all teenagers tend to go through a phase of being embarrassed about their parents. He's always happy to invite friends round .. only recently we had a gang of his Uni mates stating over.
There's pros and cons to both but I don't regret our decision.. and now we are both retired we can focus on doing things as a family (when we choose to!).

I had the youngest at 41, with 5 and 10 year gaps between her and the others! Dh was 49. She's now 18 and I'm 59 and I honestly think it has been the easiest time. We're slightly better off, Dh has now retired and can spend more time with her and I've made an effort to stay healthy and fitter to ensure I'm there for all them (and the grandchildren I also have!)

I’m an older mum and echo @Worldgonecrazy , I would say plan to finance for their education/uni so as not to get in the way of retirement plans, we still aim to retire at 60 and ours will be part way through Uni, plans to downsize might go on hold though if they boomerang back and forth but eventually downsizing will enable us to help get them on the property ladder.

I think it’s tiring whatever age you are. Late nights picking up teens and worrying. If you can afford to, get lots of help in the early days and bottle feed at night so they sleep for longer stretches. Keep plans low-key and enjoy your surprise!!

I’m 54 with a 12 year old. She’s entered puberty as I’ve become peri-menopausal. I’ve quite a few friends in the same position and we’re all doing ok!

As a previous poster has said I think personality counts much more than age. Congratulations OP.

I knew

I knew someone that had a baby naturally and unexpectedly aged 51 - it all worked out very well.

I am the child of a Mum a similar age, she was knackered if I’m honest by the time I was about 10 but she did have six of us.

My friend had another child at 43, it means she can’t retire early which most of our friendship group are doing.

Meant to add - sorry you didn't get long enough with your own mum, sadly this can happen at any age, but don't let it worry you or stop you enjoy long your time as a new mummy

Mine are not teens yet, but just to encourage you, I had my first at 42 and my youngest at 44 and a half (they're in lower primary school and pre-school now) and I'd have another one if I could. I never get terribly tired, no more than other mums. I wish I were 10 years younger, but don't we all.....?!
As you already have a 5 year old you're not too far removed from the baby days. You still have the opportunity for a fairly close age gap where they play together and provide company for each other, and a girl older by 5-6 years will be incredibly useful resource for you. She'll probably help teach the baby to walk! That will make your life easier in the long run, honestly. I have found watching my eldest with my youngest one of the greatest joys in life. I also think that a sibling will also be an absolute blessing for your 5 year old when she's older and has her own life to balance in between visiting her parents. Especially when you are old.