Essay time!
My boyfriend and I are both 30, child free, have a dog. In a small 2 bed flat we’ve had for about 3 years now.
We both work for big 4s (separate firms), however his job is much more demanding than mine, and he earns nearly 4x my salary. Due to this we split our bills by percentages so although it’s not halved, means we are both giving the same percentage of our wages - we both feel that’s the fairest way to do it and are both fine with it. I could afford to go 50/50, but means I couldn’t really afford much else through the month - maybe a couple of coffees with a pal, not a big night out.
We both have a mix of wfh and going into the office, I wfh more as just prefer it.
I struggle with keeping a home, previously living with flatmates/alone I’ve managed fine but I’ve also worked less demanding jobs. In our old flat we rented I kept it clean, but in this flat I struggle. I have suspected for years I’m ND and have been on a waiting list since 2021 to be assessed.
Our current flat is an old Georgian building and has all the quirks that come with it. Not a lot of storages, awkward spaces etc. I’m messy by nature but I try to counteract this by being quite minimalist, however he is messy but a complete hoarder and has more clothes than I’ve ever seen. Entire gym wardrobe, golf wardrobe, work wardrobe. About 30 pairs of shoes etc. I’ve asked him to cull some to help as he never puts washing away and I get overwhelmed by it all. Have struggled with depression in the past, I get anaemia every month around my period, and have pcos so know that can make me a bit fuzzy headed too. I just struggle to deal with double the amount of laundry etc. we also seem to go through so much laundry, I don’t understand how we go through so much!
I do all of the cooking, we order takeaway once a week usually as a break, and can go out for dinner a lot. My partner buys most of the food shops as the balance of ‘I buy the food, you cook it’. However we’ve had fights a lot as after a full days work and cooking dinner, sometimes after dinner I walk the dog then come in and watch tv, and sort dishes before I go to bed. He moans about the state of the kitchen, but I say if it bothers him that much he can clean up…. Then he says because I work less I’m expected to do more round the house.
I understand this to an extent - he is away at 7 and not home til 8ish, then will log on and work until midnight ish when he’s home. Days he works from home he logs on at 8 and finishes about 11/midnight, taking a break for dinner. On days he wfh he walks the dog in the morning but that’s it. I log on at 9 and finish 5/5.30 most days. I’ve said it would be nice if he made dinner one night a week and he said ‘that’s fine if you’re ok eating at 11 o clock at night, I can’t get away from my desk to make it.’
I also love cooking, make lots of healthy meals from scratch - he is very health conscious. On the odd time I try to make it easier for myself and have bought a pre-made lasagne out of M&S he makes comment about it being muck, processed etc.
at the weekends he golfs, the gym, goes to rugby, goes to the pub with pals and we sometimes do stuff. If I request we have a day to take the dog to the beach or whatever he moans like it’s the worst thing to do. If I ask him to help with cleaning his response is ‘I’ve got better things to do with my weekend’ - because he so busy with work he wants to spend his time off chilling and having fun. Which I understand, but he can only do that because I do the housework!
Then when I don’t do it he moans the flat isn’t right. I paid a cleaner to come in and do a deep clean which was lovely taking that off me for a week, and have mentioned about if we got a cleaner in then we wouldn’t be arguing about cleaning anymore - but he made sarcastic comments about how other women can keep a home and it’s normal and it’s a joke I struggle when I don’t have kids to run around after either. His parents had a cleaner growing up so he’s never had to bother with cleaning - funnily enough his last flat was pretty manky. Tidy but manky.
im at breaking point with it. I’m expected to cook, clean and walk the dog, and deal with his bad moods etc when he’s grumpy at work. Trying to encourage him to get a different job but he’s too attached to the money and says our quality of life will be rubbish without his wage. Which is rubbish, I survived fine on my wage for years! And we got our mortgage before he took this role so not as if it’s unsustainable. He can be downright unpleasant at times and it’s so hard - it’s the stress. We went to Greece for a fortnight in the summer and it reminded me of the man I fell in love with - kind, funny, generous. Work stress changes his whole personality. I’m aware I’ve made him sound like a total dick, and he can be! But when he’s not stressed he’s a different person. He is a bit of a control freak which is worse when he gets stressed.
so back to it - AIBU/a total bitch to moan about cooking and cleaning when his hours are so crazy? Or am I perfectly entitled to expect it to be split.
In a nutshell:
His attitude is because of his work and he pays more for bills etc then he shouldn’t have to contribute as much around the place. I still work full time, I know I could pull my weight more but I’m trying my best