To expect to split chores?

[golassiego93]

Essay time!

My boyfriend and I are both 30, child free, have a dog. In a small 2 bed flat we’ve had for about 3 years now.

We both work for big 4s (separate firms), however his job is much more demanding than mine, and he earns nearly 4x my salary. Due to this we split our bills by percentages so although it’s not halved, means we are both giving the same percentage of our wages - we both feel that’s the fairest way to do it and are both fine with it. I could afford to go 50/50, but means I couldn’t really afford much else through the month - maybe a couple of coffees with a pal, not a big night out.

We both have a mix of wfh and going into the office, I wfh more as just prefer it.

I struggle with keeping a home, previously living with flatmates/alone I’ve managed fine but I’ve also worked less demanding jobs. In our old flat we rented I kept it clean, but in this flat I struggle. I have suspected for years I’m ND and have been on a waiting list since 2021 to be assessed.

Our current flat is an old Georgian building and has all the quirks that come with it. Not a lot of storages, awkward spaces etc. I’m messy by nature but I try to counteract this by being quite minimalist, however he is messy but a complete hoarder and has more clothes than I’ve ever seen. Entire gym wardrobe, golf wardrobe, work wardrobe. About 30 pairs of shoes etc. I’ve asked him to cull some to help as he never puts washing away and I get overwhelmed by it all. Have struggled with depression in the past, I get anaemia every month around my period, and have pcos so know that can make me a bit fuzzy headed too. I just struggle to deal with double the amount of laundry etc. we also seem to go through so much laundry, I don’t understand how we go through so much!

I do all of the cooking, we order takeaway once a week usually as a break, and can go out for dinner a lot. My partner buys most of the food shops as the balance of ‘I buy the food, you cook it’. However we’ve had fights a lot as after a full days work and cooking dinner, sometimes after dinner I walk the dog then come in and watch tv, and sort dishes before I go to bed. He moans about the state of the kitchen, but I say if it bothers him that much he can clean up…. Then he says because I work less I’m expected to do more round the house.

I understand this to an extent - he is away at 7 and not home til 8ish, then will log on and work until midnight ish when he’s home. Days he works from home he logs on at 8 and finishes about 11/midnight, taking a break for dinner. On days he wfh he walks the dog in the morning but that’s it. I log on at 9 and finish 5/5.30 most days. I’ve said it would be nice if he made dinner one night a week and he said ‘that’s fine if you’re ok eating at 11 o clock at night, I can’t get away from my desk to make it.’

I also love cooking, make lots of healthy meals from scratch - he is very health conscious. On the odd time I try to make it easier for myself and have bought a pre-made lasagne out of M&S he makes comment about it being muck, processed etc.

at the weekends he golfs, the gym, goes to rugby, goes to the pub with pals and we sometimes do stuff. If I request we have a day to take the dog to the beach or whatever he moans like it’s the worst thing to do. If I ask him to help with cleaning his response is ‘I’ve got better things to do with my weekend’ - because he so busy with work he wants to spend his time off chilling and having fun. Which I understand, but he can only do that because I do the housework!

Then when I don’t do it he moans the flat isn’t right. I paid a cleaner to come in and do a deep clean which was lovely taking that off me for a week, and have mentioned about if we got a cleaner in then we wouldn’t be arguing about cleaning anymore - but he made sarcastic comments about how other women can keep a home and it’s normal and it’s a joke I struggle when I don’t have kids to run around after either. His parents had a cleaner growing up so he’s never had to bother with cleaning - funnily enough his last flat was pretty manky. Tidy but manky.

im at breaking point with it. I’m expected to cook, clean and walk the dog, and deal with his bad moods etc when he’s grumpy at work. Trying to encourage him to get a different job but he’s too attached to the money and says our quality of life will be rubbish without his wage. Which is rubbish, I survived fine on my wage for years! And we got our mortgage before he took this role so not as if it’s unsustainable. He can be downright unpleasant at times and it’s so hard - it’s the stress. We went to Greece for a fortnight in the summer and it reminded me of the man I fell in love with - kind, funny, generous. Work stress changes his whole personality. I’m aware I’ve made him sound like a total dick, and he can be! But when he’s not stressed he’s a different person. He is a bit of a control freak which is worse when he gets stressed.

so back to it - AIBU/a total bitch to moan about cooking and cleaning when his hours are so crazy? Or am I perfectly entitled to expect it to be split.

In a nutshell:
His attitude is because of his work and he pays more for bills etc then he shouldn’t have to contribute as much around the place. I still work full time, I know I could pull my weight more but I’m trying my best

Never ever sign up to do all the housework and work full time with a man who thinks your time is worthless and you can do all the shit work because you earn less. Never have kids with a man who refuses to cook- children need healthy home made meals and if he won’t cook then it’s all on you. Tell him that you never signed up to be his housemaid and cook, and it’s very offputting to think that he thinks all that is just your job. You are two adults in a relationship and you share it, if he can’t manage his share because he works such long hours he should take two weeks leave, throw out half of his shit then cut back to 4 days a week so he can contribute to the relationship.

do not accept this. You are not worth less than him. (I was big4 for a decade with big4 friends and family so I understand rhe demands perfectly. None of my family or friends ever thought it made us too special and important to wash dishes or tidy our own stuff. The best partners at big4 are just about always the ones who jump to pour you out a glass of water in a meeting, rather than wait for the junior to pass it around, have you noticed that?)

My DH worked crazy hours and I was a SAHM. He still helped with the dc when he got home, cooked one night a week, paid for a cleaner, shared the weekend lie ins and spent weekend time with me/dc.

It doesnt sound like this man cherishes you, wants to spend time with you or is interested in your happiness. If he was he would hear what you have been asking about clearing out his belongings to help your MH (even if it was to just put it in storage) keep his stuff tidy, thank you for looking after the house and offer to pay for a cleaner and a dog walker as his contribution to his share of the household jobs etc. Does he actually need to work until 11, or is he up there gaming and hiding from you and the jobs?

Yeah this isn't fair. At all.

I understand you making dinner as he works so much but last time I checked you weren't a housewife. What % of the bills/rent do you pay? If you're doing a money-chores split then he should at least be doing that % of the chores.

It's not right that you work full time and also have to do 100% of the home. And no way would I be putting a grown adults clothes away. They go on the bed and he can put them away.

He needs to take ownership of certain tasks and do them when he has time. My partner also works and earns more than me. Laundry is his main task and taking out the bins. I do most of everything else but we share - cleaning the bathroom, changing the beds and deep cleans.

He's taking you for a mug and being so disrespectful.

We're a two adult household in a two bed flat and I can't recognise your situation in terms of the amount that needs doing? We barely spend any time doing household stuff, we just keep it clean as we go along, 2-3 loads of laundry at the weekend, food shop once a fortnight. I don't think I could be with someone who works that much, what a waste of a life. please don't have kids or get married to this man.

This sounds horrendous. What does he bring to the table except money? Doesn’t sound like you spend quality time? You’re doing all the housework, cooking etc. pre children our house rule was whoever didn’t cooked cleaned up the kitchen…:.:

This in spades.

What do you get out of it? Good behaviour 2 weeks a year?

He pays a greater % of bills because he earns FOUR times your salary and thinks that entitles him to do nothing round the house? No thanks.

The things he's said have made it clear that he believes housework is woman's work. You aren't going to be able to negotiate a different position. You deserve a partner not a project.

Get out now while you can.

To be honest I could live with the household chores issue if he isn't finishing work until 11pm (if this is every weekday) and paying more than his fair share. I would still expect him to do the dishes every other day though at the least.

What would upset me is the lack of prioritising you. Weekends spent apart and working until late, you don't spend any quality time together and that is something I could not put up with.

What are you hoping to gain from this relationship?

He seems to treat you more like his mother or a housekeeper than a partner.

I appreciate he works much longer hours than you and earns 4x more but that is his CHOICE, and doesn't mean he should expect you to do everything.

If you want to continue with this relationship, then you need to get a cleaner.

As for all his stuff, then give him the side of the bed away from the door, then just thrown all his stuff down his side of the bed so you don't have to look at it.

Perhaps a grown up discussion about some better storage in the house?

Ok, so firstly there is no right answer and you clearly are finding it too much.

I also have a full time WFH job, 4 kids and a DH that works in the city. I buy and cook all the dinners ( he does dishwasher etc) I do all the house work all the cleaning and all the washing ( he does the ironing)

We live in quite a large house so cleaning takes hours, I tend to do an hour everyday, in the morning after the kids leave before I sit at my desk and spend quite a lot of time at the weekend doing the deep clean stuff.

ive had cleaners in the past but they never do it well enough for my liking so that’s not for me but in your situation I’d say it’s probably the best resolution. If he says ‘other women do it’ throw the dirty stuff at his bloody face and tell him to shut up. He has no intention of helping and after those working hours I’m not really surprised he wants to do other stuff at the weekends. His attitude that it’s all up to you isn’t acceptable at all

It seems unfair to me.
I see the cooking as fair - you cook and he shops and you have more time at that end of the day to actually cook.
The cook should clean up or at least do most of the washing up to do with the cooking.

I think it is very unfair that you need to do any tidying of your husband's stuff. He should be picking up after himself, cleaning the bathroom in turn, puting washing out for the joint washing, pegging up or folding clean washing, emptying the dishwasher.
You could split up bins and yard duties and vaccuming between you.
Other cleaning like washing floors and windows you could budget to get a cleaner once a month with the same percentage contribution as you use for bills.

This man isn’t going to change OP, he’s having a great time here with a live-in housekeeper / mother figure putting meals on the table for him, it’s like a hotel. I’m really sorry but either you make a massive stand and stop doing all his washing, cooking his dinners, washing up etc and let him work it out himself whilst you go out and enjoy life or you move on. His big salary and fancy titles clearly mean he thinks higher of himself than he does of you. (Sorry I’m being a bit harsh here, of course another option is to sit down rationally and discuss and explain how you are feeling and give him another shot at this and perhaps he can re-prioritise his weekends so he can contribute then but that might not work if it’s all been said before :))

The lack of contribution he makes to taking care of the dog and the mental load, eg vets etc tells you all you need to know about what sort of like you will have when you have children. You would either work and do everything else too, or stay at home and do everything and lose your career / financial independence and possibly sanity!

You're not going to have a happy life with this man, OP. That's essentially what it comes down to.

I’d look to the future. Assuming you want kids one day, what sort of father will he be? Working till 11pm on week days and spending his weekends doing his own thing, means he’ll be a shitty one.

and he won’t change, I can promise you that

From what you said he doesn't respect you and this would make me question the relationship. That plus his reluctance to spend time with you at a weekend. Are you only good for sex and cleaning?

I think given his working hours it's reasonable you do tea /pots on a week day. wkend cleaning should be 50/50 so you both get a break. If he's not willing to split it then a cleaning (paid either by him or 50/50) is the next solution.

With regards to his clothes buy a large hamper. Shove everything into n it (clean or dirty) leave for him to sort. With shove shoes in there too or buy a plastic box with lid and put shoes in there.

To put this in perspective I work part time (we have 3 kids) and dh works full time. He earns 10x more than me. Mon-Fri I do everything. Sat/sun we are 50:50. That's cleaning, kid's, activities, it's all joint or split. .

OP
Ask yourself this. If he lived by himself he would have to and I'm sure would manage to cook, clean, walk the dog.
You are enabling this entitled attitude of his ( no judgement as I did it myself for too many years) and the only thing
That will change is your resentment of him.
You are supposed to be partners if the little things are not right you will never be able to navigate the bigger things.

Ooft I was going to suggest pushing for a cleaner (my DH works a lot less than me - part time hours in a chilled job vs my very full on corporate role - so it was agreed that he'd take on the bulk of the housework but he's terrible at it! I honestly think paying for a cleaner and a dishwasher saved our marriage...). But that comment about 'other women' just shows what kind of a person he is and how he views you. Even when I was really annoyed at DH's crap attempts to clean I would never have spoken to him like that and shown him so little respect. I'm not sure this is salvageable in all honesty.

"My partner buys most of the food shops as the balance of ‘I buy the food, you cook it’"

"I do the food shop he just sends the money over."

So he doesn't actually do the shopping, you do? And that was the extent of the chores you initially said he did, but he's actually just doing a bank transfer while you do the actual job.

Well thank Christ he's only a BF, not a DH, you can make him an ExBF and move on with your life.
In a proper partnership, the people should be enjoying a similar lifestyle IMO. You share the time, the money, the work. He didn't sign you on to be his domestic servant, and if he did he still wouldn't speak you to with such contempt.
He's a dud. Chuck him back.

My DH and I have at various times been the higher earner. I work in the nonprofit sector so while I earn well, I’m never going to have a stratospheric salary. DH has entered the stratosphere. I’m never going to catch up with him now. He still does housework. He has never even suggested that he should stop. That is how a partnership is supposed to work.

I did insist we outsource a few tasks that were getting physically difficult as we age with the extra earnings. Other than that, we both still do our fair share.

Sounds like you're not compatible so maybe time to call it a day.

Did you not notice his untidy/hoarder ways before you started living together? Was it not apparent from his home during your dating days, or on holiday, or whatever?

I don't think you'll ever change his ways nor his attitude.

It's a shame you managed to discuss and agree re finances before you moved in together but didn't do the same with household chores etc.

I think you would feel more valued if he was spending his free time with you and not with his golf buddies. It sounds as if he treats you like a live in housekeeper. Like others Im not sure what you're getting from this - and definitely do NOT have children with this man
Think you deserve better - money isnt everything.

No it’s interesting - he was always tidy enough, but just everywhere was dusty etc. not enough to put me off. His old rental flat had lots of storage and he had stuff kept at his Dads too so when we bought this place his Dad happily brought it all over and dumped it on us….

OP, dump this man.

You don't even have children and he is already training you up as his support staff. And complaining that you don't 'woman' well enough, because if you did then the flat would be tidier and the dinners would be a nonstop rotation of organic, wholefood gourmet dishes.

Your response? You think you should work harder at the relationship. Because it is apparently also your job to fix his hoarding, laziness, poor attitude and misogyny.

Wake up, woman! You're young, you have a good job, you're a great cook, well-spoken and self aware. Why are you killing yourself to be this man's cook, maid and PA? He does not even appreciate your effort, just keeps demanding more.

If he is grumpy and demanding now, just skip ahead 10 years and 2 dc and imagine the outcome. You will have sacrificed your life to further his career.

Most women don't notice the laziness and entitlement until after children. You have a head start. Run.

So he had most of the available storage space, uses most of your mutual non working time out with his mates and thinks you need to step up?

Throw this one back. He can probably afford to buy you out.

Your life is too short for all of that?

he made sarcastic comments about how other women can keep a home and it’s normal and it’s a joke I struggle when I don’t have kids to run around after either.

Honestly, OP. Tell this 30 year old dinosaur to get fucked.

Imagine if you had kids with him? He'd do sweet fuck all in terms of childcare.