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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to not invite sister in law

61 replies

Gameofphonesx · 17/09/2023 22:15

Have three sinlaws, get along great with two, kids all get along and often meet up to vent about our in laws amongst general chit chat and just because we enjoy each others company. Third sinlaw is dh sister and somewhat socially awkward(?). She didn’t speak to me for the first 7 years, her own dad said she was just jealous of us because we were happy and she went from one loser bf to another. I tried to ignore it, trying killing it with kindness but eventually just got over trying. She had her first kid then that was it, suddenly she seemed a bit more interested in speaking to me and took a lot of baby paraphernalia from us. Thing is, I don’t need to be her friend but my in laws are constantly moaning about us not inviting her anywhere- but she rarely speaks to the other two or myself unless it’s about herself and it’s just tense with her there. Her and her bf don’t invite us anywhere or make an effort to ask about the kids or us yet we’re expected to invite her on weekends away that we organised between us, because they think we’re leaving her out- she leaves herself out! She’s been invited to days out and has refused, she turns up late if she does come and then will keep her distance so it doesn’t even feel like she enjoys it herself?! I feel it’s just too little too late to have the same relationship that the rest of us have, to the point where I feel awkward if we happen to be altogether at in-laws house for example. I don’t mind her but as far as I’m concerned, she’s had numerous chances to make an effort and she just doesn’t. I do feel for her in a way, but it just feels like my in-laws are forcing her on us a bit. It’s made a bit more tense as her ds is very bitey, pushy and generally terrorises the rest of the kids and they don’t like his behaviour towards them. I wouldn’t not invite her for that alone, but equally I don’t want to make the other kids and sinlaws uncomfortable by just inviting her everywhere. I thought this ‘leaving her out’ rubbish was over in school!!

OP posts:

coconutpie · 18/09/2023 09:18

You are getting a very hard time here OP. So you are friends with your two SILs (the wives of the two brothers of your DH) but your DH's sister has always been rude and ignored you and not nice to you for years and now you are expected to include her in your plans just because she is your DH's sister? You are friends with the other SILs. Why should you ruin your interactions with your two friends just because your ILs said to invite her along? That's ridiculous.

I'd imagine that she'd totally change the dynamic anyway if she's that difficult and rude - could you even trust that she wouldn't divulge anything that the three of you talked about in confidence to PIL? It's different for you and the other two SIL as you all married the sons of PIL. You aren't obliged to invite her out on friendship days out when she is not a friend.

moose62 · 18/09/2023 09:20

I agree with the family chat....then you can say " anyone free to meet up on Tuesday?"....if she doesn't respond then your MIL can't say you didn't invite her! Perhaps engage less with the MIL as well!

Ragwort · 18/09/2023 09:23

moose makes a good point, why is your MIL so involved in your plans ... you all sound totally enmeshed with each other?

AnIndianWoman · 18/09/2023 09:24

They’re not friends, they’re family. That’s the mistake you’re making here. When it come to family you shouldn’t be leaving anyone out especially when kids are involved - invite all or none.

Original poster

Gameofphonesx · 18/09/2023 09:25

@coconutpie finally somebody gets it 😂👏🏻 In all honesty, I just don’t have the time or energy for all this and would just like my PIL to butt out and let us invite her when we want to. It won’t be every time we meet no, but I have my own crap going on and can’t be bothered with worrying about someone else.

OP posts:

SherbetLemonn · 18/09/2023 09:27

I wouldn’t have bothered with her after she ignored you for seven years to be honest, so you’re doing better than me already. I wouldn’t be pressured into inviting her everywhere, I’d carry on as I chose. She opts to decline, to be late, to be distant and that’s her call but I wouldn’t be changing my plans for her.

Original poster

Gameofphonesx · 18/09/2023 09:30

@Ragwort she involves herself! Gets a sniff that we might all have a day off together and starts complaining that we’re not inviting sinlaw before we’ve even planned anything 😂 Doesn’t complain to us though- one of my BILs gets it in the neck, it causes aggro between him and his wife, then we’re all pissed off. Ideal scenario would be sinlaw just sends a ‘going out to soft play, anyone wanna come?’ Then we would make an effort to meet her- she’s not a bad person. Just too much like her mother 😂.
@AnIndianWoman I don’t invite my own sister either, nor do the other sinlaws. My sister isn’t the slightest bit concerned??

OP posts:

Duckskitbank · 18/09/2023 09:41

YANBU.
And I say that as ‘the odd one out’ with my in laws. They all love going on holiday together and I really don’t! I make an effort for big occasions but then they immediately start planning the next one and we bow out. The women organise days out and weekends away together. They didn’t used to invite me and I was fine with it. Now they sometimes invite me and I make my polite excuses! I don’t dislike them but I have my own friends and I don’t need these forced friendships.
It either works naturally or it doesn’t, what’s the point in forcing it?

Original poster

Gameofphonesx · 18/09/2023 09:54

@Duckskitbank nice to get a reply from ‘the other side’. My PIL don’t realise they’re the problem.

OP posts:

Ikeatears · 18/09/2023 10:02

At the last count, I have 9 sil's. One is one of my best friends (dh's sister) and in the two years I've known her, my brother's wife is fast becoming a close friend. Some of the others I socialise with, some I don't. Some I like, some are not my kind of person.

If it's something for the family or the children, then the invitation is usually extended to all (children range from babies to adults so it depends on the event). If I'm just socialising with who I consider to be my friends then I invite the people I want to spend time with.

Dh has two other sisters and all three are close. I don't see one of them much but me and the sister I'm closest to and one of the other sisters occasionally all get together.

I won't have anyone, in laws or not, dictate to me who I spend my free time with, I'm pleasant and kind to all of the sils and have always gone out of my way to include them in my family life but my personal friendships are my business, sil or no sil.

actualpuffins · 18/09/2023 10:03

No-one is obliged to be best mates with relatives or invite them along to weekends away- you didn't choose them, and especially not by dint of marrying her brother. If anything DH should be making the effort with his sister, she's not your sister.

I wouldn't give this any energy at all and just crack on as you are. It's great that you get on so well with two people out of your extended family.

actualpuffins · 18/09/2023 10:04

I love my SIL dearly as a sister but we don't go on weekends away and have our own mates. It's not obligatory.

boromu222 · 18/09/2023 10:05

Ghastisflabbered · 17/09/2023 22:23

Well you are leaving her out aren’t you?

and of course your in-laws are going to push it - she’s their actual daughter so will be important to them.

No, she has left herself out! If you invite someone along ten times and they say no, or say yes but don't show, or turn up late and then act like they don't want to be there...you are not leaving them out when you don't invite them the 11th time.

boromu222 · 18/09/2023 10:06

AnIndianWoman · 18/09/2023 09:24

Bollocks to that! Do you invite Great Aunt Maud to weekly softplay and girls night out? She's faaaamily!

Crazycrazylady · 18/09/2023 10:08

Maddy70 · 17/09/2023 22:33

You dont sound very nice. Invite her when you invite the other sil. Every fucking time

This is batshit.

The op is friendly with the others . At this stage they happen to be her sils as well.
Yes include her sometimes to be kind but you absolutely don't need to include her every single time!

SayingwhatIreallythink · 18/09/2023 10:20

yanbu but equally I have sympathy for your dh,s sister, as she must be feeling the odd-one/out at gatherings of her own birth family. I know I would really hate that, whoever’s fault it is.

Ghostlyfeet · 18/09/2023 10:31

OP I think you've nailed it in the first sentence! You like to vent about your in-laws. Those people are her parents. She can moan about them, but you cant. (Not to her). I suspect that's why you don't get on.

ittakes2 · 18/09/2023 10:31

To clarify - of your three sister'n'laws are two of them married to your husband's brothers and this one tricky sister'n'law is his only sister?

ittakes2 · 18/09/2023 10:40

Have three sinlaws, get along great with two, kids all get along and often meet up to vent about our in laws amongst general chit chat and just because we enjoy each others company.
The way you have structured your first sentence with your first comment "...and often meet up to vent about our in laws"...you giving your first emphasis to venting about your in laws says it all really. You don't get on with your in laws and you really aren't going to be able to vent about your parent's in law or your husband's sister with her there. You don't like them - you don't like her - I am guessing you would go low contact if you had that option but don't want to offend your husband or make it look like you are responsible for a family split.

Original poster

Gameofphonesx · 18/09/2023 10:41

@Ghostlyfeet this isn’t the only reason why we get along, we all vent about our in-laws don’t we? 🫠😂 I have no problem with her coming out occasionally but it’s just so different because she’s standoffish, or just talks about herself. The conversation doesn’t flow well if only one person is engaging and asking questions. She just isn’t interested in us- or enough to talk to us properly anyway. I actually do get on fine with her one to one, it’s still difficult though.
@ittakes2 yes she’s DH sister, if one of the others was like she was then I’d feel the same way with them. She’s known one other sinlaw longer than me and has been the same with her for over 15 years

OP posts:

GingerIsBest · 18/09/2023 10:42

I have many sisters in law! . But the relationship with them definitely varies not just because of personalities, but also based on what I can only think to call "proximity".

ie my brothers' wives - they are both nice in their own way. I get on better with one than the other, but they're fine. But ultimately, there's a slight gap between us because they are my brothers' wives - and much as I love them, my loyalty is to my brothers'.

My DH's sister. We are fairly close, although would never in 10000 years have been in the slightest bit social if we weren't related. But I have had to learn to distance myself a tiny bit as otherwise I get caught in their family politics, and I don't want that.

My DH's brother's wife. I barely know her as she lives far away but when I've met her, we've got that crucial thing in common - marrying into DH's family.

I don't think it's weird that you don't have a close relationship with your DH's sister. And it sounds like she's particularly painful. I'd compromise - invite her to the odd, not too hardcore type event, and make an effort at family events, but otherwise carry on as you are!

AnIndianWoman · 18/09/2023 12:44

Gameofphonesx · 18/09/2023 09:30

Your sister doesn’t matter in this context because they’re all your husband’s family. If you were planning things with your family and excluded your sister I would fully expect her and your parents to be angry

AnIndianWoman · 18/09/2023 12:48

Also I think when you only have one real sister in law (your husband’s sister) you do need to include her more often - brothers in many families tend to socialise together in ways that aren’t open to sisters. She has probably been excluded all her life and then her brothers marry and her sister in laws copy the same dynamic! It’s not fair on her or her kids.

Original poster

Gameofphonesx · 18/09/2023 13:17

@AnIndianWoman if anything, the boys have been excluded by the sounds of it…
none of them would speak if it wasn’t for us. We do do plenty of family days out, most school holidays there’s something we try and organise for the whole family. But again, always us. Wouldn’t mind if even PIL suggested something but it’s always on us. She doesn’t work, two of us do so it’s difficult to always fit everybody in, and so time consuming to figure out something that we can all afford. It’s gotten to the point where they are just guessing we’re doing things together when we’re not. They seem to think we’re doing things every week when that’s just not possible!

OP posts:

HeffyAgain · 18/09/2023 13:22

I wouldn't be falling over myself to include her either, she sounds bloody hard work and I haven't got time for shit like that no matter how close someone is related to me.
Enjoy time with people you actually get on with, not one's that create an atmosphere!

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